


Suicidal Chemistry

by SullenLarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Baker Harry, Depressed Louis, Doctor Niall, Drunken Confessions, Eiffel Tower, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Self-Harming Louis, Suicide Attempt, Vacation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-06-06 13:34:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 57,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15195869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SullenLarry/pseuds/SullenLarry
Summary: As long as he can remember, Harry has always been sure of one thing: he's in love with his oblivious best-friend, Louis. There's just one minor problem....Louis has depression. Harry works at a bakery, but he's really made a full time job out of trying to save Louis from himself.  What happens when a quack named Dr. Horan tells him to take Louis on a vacation? Individual feelings will be explored...but can Louis love him back or is the will to live too far gone?TRIGGER WARNING (See Tags)





	1. #1

I want to get you acquainted with the love of my life, though he doesn't know it. Today, you will be meeting him as I pick him up from the Crisis Stabilization Unit again for the 3rd time this year. Please, no questions at the moment. Just let me tell my story.

"Good morning, Mr. Styles," Nurse Blanch greets me. She was the receptionist the first time Louis' was discharged and has been here every time.

"Morning," I wave as I took a seat and began to flip through the outdated magazines.

_Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are in trouble: Is the Nanny to Blame? Oh no, better alert the authorities!_

Sighing, I cross my legs and began to act interested in the tabloids. I know the process is a lengthy one, but I need to be early just in case they discharge Louis when they say they will. Since that was 3 minutes ago, I doubt that'll happen.

As an hour passed, Nurse Blanch and I exchanging apologizing looks, they finally wheeled out my friend. He had bandages on his wrist and his lips looked cracked, more than likely from dry heaving and vomiting up all the pills he swallowed involuntarily. Though I've seen him in this state many times before, it never gets any easier.

He looked beautiful to me, but also broken – not his usual happy self that I've grown to love. Picture the most fluffiest of chestnut hair, icy blue eyes, and featherly lips you can imagine, and I guarantee you still won't picture Louis because he is truly an work of art. I miss his eyes the most in times like this. They've maintained their color, but all light has faded. 

"Mr. Tomlinson, Harry is here," Nurse Collins, the floor unit Nurse wheels him to the door. "I hope to not see you here anymore. Isn't that right, Harry?"

"Louis!" I exclaim as I crouched down to give him a hug. He smiles at me for a second before wrapping his arms around my neck, embracing me for a few seconds before the Nurse begins to wheel him to my car. "I've missed you."

"I'm sorry," He mutters as he looks down at his lap, playing with his fingers.

"Uh, Harry, Doctor Horan wants to speak with you if you have a second." Nurse Collins states as she helps Louis into my vehicle. "I'll just get you to sign these discharge papers while you wait, Louis."

I nervously walked back in the hospital, wondering what new information Doctor Horan has to offer me. I don't think there is anything new, but just in case, I'm willing to listen. I want to help Louis out the best I can.

"I'm sorry we keep meeting under these circumstances, Mr. Styles." The doctor motions me to sit down.

"Me too," I add as I try to not rock back and forth to soothe my anxiety.

"So, as you know, Mr. Tomlinson has Major Depressive Disorder that seems to be resistant to medication. He has expressed to me his desire to die but - he's not laid out a plan or means to do so. These thoughts are very common in people with MDD, but his fixation on death is not. Do you have any idea what his thought process is?"

"I wish I knew," I shrug. "When I found him, he was whispering how sorry he was and how he knew he was a burden. He said he was tired of feeling guilty and empty all the time."

"Yes, that's all symptoms of depression unfortunately. Most of the time, the guilt comes from a unexplained place. I have a few suggestions. We can up his outpatient sessions to 3 times a week but judging by his inconsistency with his appointments, I doubt he'll be compliant. You can do a mental inquest warrant and get him hospitalized, but without insurance, he won't be able to stay long. Now, this is a little taboo, but it's crazy enough to work."

I look at the doctor and cock an eyebrow, trying to guess what in the world this crazy Irish doctor is thinking.

"A change of scenery for a while."

'What?" I asked dumbfounded.

"Take him on a trip, Harry. His body needs natural endorphins."

"A trip? With all due respect, Doctor Horan, I don't see...."

"Suit yourself, but if we don't find a solution soon, Mr. Tomlinson will be successful. He won't stop trying until he is so. The Lad is stubborn," Doctor Horan patted me on the back and walked back to his quarters.

I walked out of the hospital and climbed into my truck. Louis was already buckled in and nodding off. His ink pen was still between his fingers. Nurse Collins gave me the final form to sign saying I was responsible for him hereon after and bided me ado.

I patted Louis gently on his thigh. He opened one of his eyes, disoriented. He placed his hand on top of mine and fell back to sleep. I wiggled my hand away, though I wish I didn't have to, but I must drive.

Doctor Horan's advice clouded my mind as I made my way to Louis' flat. Unconventional, he says. More like malpractice.

"Lou, you're home," I say shaking him lightly. He blinks a couple times as I help him out of the truck. I use my spare key to open the door and guide him to his bedroom. I assist him in untying his shoes and removing his itchy clothing, laying him down, and pulling up the covers.

"I'm going to go home. Call if you need anything," I say laying his phone down beside of him.

"Harry, wait!" Louis grabs my hand. For a second, I felt a jolt of electricity. I should be used to that by now, but I'm not. "Thank you."

"Anytime. I know you'd do the same for me," I assure him. "Try and rest. I'll come by in the morning." I headed toward the door.

"Harry?" Louis calls out. "Can you shut the curtains?" 

"Of course, Lou," I smile at him as I walk over to his bay window and make the room darker. "See you tomorrow."

"Harry?" He asked again. Immediately, I stop walking and turn my body to him. "Can you sort-of...watch me sleep, maybe? Not so sure I trust myself."

My heart sinks in my chest. Being gone at the Crisis Unit for a week hasn't done much for his mental health, though I knew that. It never does.

I scoot his recliner beside of his bed with ease. The beauty of living in a studio apartment is that it has no doors except for the bathroom. I get a blanket from the top shelf of his closet and make myself comfortable. I watch as Louis winches as he accidentally lays on top of his stitches.

"Ouch!" He groans. I can see his cheeks are inflamed, probably embarrassed. I reach over and run my fingers through his hair for a second before removing my hands. "I'm sorry."

"Just rest," I whisper. Louis looks at me one more time before turning the opposite way. I cover myself up with the blanket and shift around until I'm decently comfortable. I know it's only 4:00 pm but I am exhausted.

_"Take him on a trip, Harry. His body needs natural endorphins._

What does that even mean? 


	2. #2

So do you remember that apologetic, vulnerable guy you met yesterday? Well, that was just the meds talking. Today, you're going to meet my ever loving best-friend. 

Louis is beginning to wake up from his nap...well, it's more like a coma. I I can tell because his feet are starting to paw at the mattress, and his cheek is rubbing against his pillow.

I have an early morning shift at the bakery, but I am going to schedule a personal day off. Let's not tell Louis though because I'd have to hear his soap speech. I have it mostly rehearsed in my head: _Harry, you cannot keep putting your life on hold for me. I am dysfunctional, and you can't help me, love. I appreciate you trying, but I want you to be happy. At least one of us can be_. I guess he can't see that he does make me happy without even trying, but he can also make me lost into a dark abyss when he gets in these moods.

"Harry?" I hear his raspy say as he rubs his eyes. I pressed 'mute' on the television remote and folded the recliner leg-rest down, giving him my full attention. "What time is it?"

"Almost 2," I said nonchalantly. 

"Fuck. For real? I almost slept for an entire day, genuinely!" He huffs. "It's because they poisoned me with all kinds of shit so they didn't have to deal with me bitching at the hospital." I watch as he swings his legs off the bed and places his feet on the floor.

I sat down beside of him as he instantly placed his head on my arm. I patted his face with the palm of my hand. 

"....Did you sleep in the recliner?" His voice raises an octave as he eyeballs the blanket folded lazily in the recliner. 

"Maybe," I shrug. "You don't remember, do you?"

"Remember what?" 

"You wanted me to watch you sleep...." I bite my bottom lip as Louis scratches his head, trying to remember.

"I did? Well, I'm sorry! I told you, no telling what is in my system. Apparently, something that made me a ball of mush last night," He giggles ever so sweet. "You should probably go home and get some real rest. I have to get ready for my date."

I hear a sudden ringing in my ears, an unpleasant sensation. Did I hear him correctly? I need to be sure. "Huh?"

"I met this girl on Tinder last week and we're supposed to meet up tonight. I was actually wondering if I could borrow your hoodie to cover this hideous bandage," Louis turns his arm over, palm up, and shows me the bandage. It is no longer pure white, but has dulled a little overnight and tiny drops of blood have tainted the purity of the cotton. "That was a pretty deep cut, huh?" He questions trying to take the bandage off. "But not enough to finish the job."

"Lou!" I whine. If only he knew how much comments like that make my entire world stop spinning, makes me want to go and find the 8th world wonder, and bring it to him on a silver platter if it'll make him want to live again. "Please keep that on until the doctor tells you otherwise....Are you so sure going out on a date so soon is a good idea?" I interrogate him as I try to grasp his hand, just so you know, he can't pick at stitches.

Louis stops fighting with me about his bandage and intertwines our fingers for a second. "Doctor said I need natural endorphins. What better way to get them than to bring someone home for an old fashioned one night stand? Come on, Harry, you should know me by now. "

Sadly, I do. Louis hasn't had a real relationship since Eleanor. Just the name makes me have a bitter taste in my mouth. She was a plain girl with plain hair, and no original thoughts. Luckily, they broke up a few months ago. She said it was selfish of him to ask her to stay if he was just trying to kill himself all the time. From my perspective, it was selfish of her to give up like that. Obviously, Louis was going through a hard time and needed someone there for him. She couldn't handle him. In fact, she told me that much, and called me out on being in love with him.

I denied it, of course. I mean if he found out that his best-friend is in love with him, I can't imagine how he'd react. He'd probably feel uncomfortable around me.

"Haz?" Louis snaps his free hand in front of my face. "Can I please borrow your hoodie?" He repeats.

Blushing, I nod as I slid the clothing off my head and help him get dressed. He carefully puts his hurt wrist in one sleeve, and then the other.. "Well, I hope you have fun tonight."

"Hey...can I sleep over your place tonight after my date?" Louis asks shyly. I can tell this is something he doesn't want to ask. I wish he would see himself as more than a burden. I wish he'd admit that he needs a little help. "I'm just....still feeling kinda down. Oh fuck, don't answer that! I am so selfish. Harry, you're too amazing to be my best-friend."

I let go of his hand as I realize that maybe I've been holding it too long. "Don't even have to ask, Lou. We have keys to each-others places, remember?" I lightly giggle.

"I know, I know. I just have been a handful lately and don't want you to get tired of me. Sometimes, I can't even stand me." He sighs.

_I'd never get tired of you._

"Well, I'm gonna let you get ready for your date. Text if you need anything....I mean anything. If it all goes wrong, just call me. I can be there in 5 to make up some lame excuse to get you outta there," I say as I lightly tap his shoulder.

Louis stands up, hoovering over me. I can't read his thoughts at the current moment, but for some reason, he's staring at me. "Thanks Hazza. I love you."

"I love you too," I reply, pulling him into a hug. We let it linger for a few seconds. He's the first to let go as he retreats to his bathroom. I guess that's my signal to leave and let him get ready. I'd never wish ill will on anyone, but I hope this date ends up in flames.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not sure how I feel about this story so far. It's just 'meh' to me. It's going to be depressing. Hope nobody is disappointed. Sorry in advance: I am a writer of fluff, angst, and smut mostly. I also think I was Eeyore in another life.


	3. #3

"FUCK. Shit. OW!" Louis, who is hopping around on one foot while he holds his other, is pretty wasted as he comes into my bedroom.

Though I am exhausted, as I've been waiting on him give me an update for hours, rush over to him and allow my body to be a crutch. "What happened?

"I tripped over your...thingy!" He lets out a whine and sits on the bed, propping his foot in my lap. I examine his foot, but the only sign of an injury I can see is a few red spots. "Hurts."

"I'm sorry," I say as I rub small circles on the top of his foot. "Here?" I ask, but he shakes his head no. "Here?" I poke at another red spot, but he again, denied that was the location. "Here?" I say deviously ticking him.

I love Louis when he gets this wasted. He gets so needy and innocent acting, but only around me. If any of our other friends were around, he'd never show this side of him. Nobody hardly sees his flamboyance make its appearance except for me, and I live for that.

I tickle him until he lets out a shriek, shoving me lightly. I pick his foot back up, massaging it contently, though there's no reason to.

"I'm sorry if I woke you up," He says putting his head down, all giggles suddenly seized.

"No, no. I was waiting on you," I can feel my cheeks grow pink with embarrassment, but there's no use in lying to him. He knows me too well. "How'd your date go?" I switch on the beside lamp and discreetly examine if his lips are swollen or if there's lipsticks stains on his cheek.

"I was going to take her home," He slurs. "But before we even made it up the stairs, she puked everywhere...and I mean everywhere. It even got on my shoes. My favorite Adidas shoes, Harry!" He complains. "So I said to her 'how about you just call a Uber okay, love?' and she cried. Fucking cried right in the middle of the stairwell. Eh, she was only a 6/10 anyway. Had the personality of a gopher."

"You've such a way with words," I tease him. I half expect him to pull his foot away from me, but he doesn't. He just sits there, letting hsi alcohol breath make me drunk off of him - a state of being I don't think I'll ever be able to shake.

"Why thank you. Take pride in my vocabulary," he says quickly making a come back with his sharp tongue. He dramatically puts his hand against his chest, his wrist pointed upward. "I can't say I'm not disappointed that Tinder didn't pull through for me. I'm so horny!"

"Oh. My. God. Louis!" I smack him with a pillow, though that's one of the more tamer confessions he's had while drunk. One time, he told me he got caught making out with Sarah Anderson at the movies. Turns out, her boy-friend was just getting popcorn. Needless to say, I had to come pick him and his shiny new black eye up that night.

Louis replied with 'ow' before laughing and playfully biting at my arm. I shove him away, giggling like a schoolgirl.

Then, it all goes silent for a few seconds. We just sort of look at each-other's illuminated figures in the dark hours of the night. I can't help but smile and tuck my lip under my teeth, hoping he is too drunk to notice the power he has to turn me into this big ball of putty in his hands. I can feel my dimples stretch as my smile grows.

Yet, all good things must come to an end. He is the first one to break our eye contact. I follow his eyes that are now zoned in on his bandage. I carefully place my hand on top of his . He gives me a scowls, but stop his task nonetheless.

"I really wished I would've got laid tonight, Haz. Maybe I wouldn't feel so....ugh, I'm so fucking sick of this world! It's sick of me! I hate myself!" I listen to his rant and pull him closer to me, laying us down so his is resting on my forearm. "I can hear your heart beating through your arm!" His mood suddenly changed to a amused child.

"You're laying on my artery, you silly," I poke fun at him. "I'm sorry you're down, Lou. It's a good thing you chose to check into the Styles Hotel! You are staying at a 5-star resort with all the entertainment, food, and wine your heart desires. Hugs and late night confessions are complementary of the owner," I say in my best advertisement voice.

I see it again, if only for a few blissful seconds - that dazzling smile that I crave. His blue eyes are shimmering off the prism of the lamp, and his cheeks are puffy. The alcohol has his face tinted a little pink against his natural tan skin.

"Best hotel ever," he says scooting closer to me, "I'm scared, Hazzy. I'm too drunk to lie to you."

"I hope you never lie to me, Lou," I continue. "Are you scared you're going to hurt yourself tonight? I question worriedly. He begins to paw at my calves with his feet: a sign his anxiety is rising. "Do we need to call your therapist?"

"It never goes away, you know? The emptiness, guilt, longing to die..." He sounds robotic almost like his emotions are shut off. "I don't deserve you in my life, Haz. I'll never be good enough for you. Maybe I should just kill myself tonight and do you a favor."

At this point, Louis tries to get out of bed, but I assume he is too dizzy because he immediately falls back down, holding his head saying how nauseous he feelings. He is guaranteed to have a hangover in the morning, well, if I can somehow manage to keep him alive through the night.

I ask him to stay put so I can go in the kitchen and prepare a tray of hangover accessories. I open my cabinets and find a striped straw, open the fridge and get out a bottle of water, and put a pack of crackers out of the pantry on the tray and carry it through my house. On my way back to my bedroom, I see one of my scarfs draped over my computer chair. I don't know why it catches my attention, but it does.

It isn't the most attractive of scarfs. It is kind of rugged and fraying. It was a gift from my grandmother years ago. The colors are not vibrant, but a neutral grey with red and navy plaid lines running through it. It isn't the most attractive of scarfs, but tonight, it's going to be my favorite.

"Here drink this water. You're probably dehydrated and that's what's making you dizzy. You know Doctor Horan advised you not to drink for awhile due to your meds," I lecture him. Instead of replying, he gulps down the water and takes a few nibbles off a cracker before laying back down.

It is here I find myself questioning my entire existence. I think I'm going insane. This idea is probably stupid, but it's the only thing I can come up with. So, I proceed. I grab the scarf and crawl on top of Louis, putting his wrist together, and binding them.

"What the hell, Harry?" He wiggles, but he's far too drunk to be coordinated.

"Keeping you safe tonight. You're my best friend and it's my job to make you safe. Instead of thinking kill yourself is 'doing me a favor', how about this be my favor?" I continue to sit on top of him, completing my task at hand. Get it, task at HAND? No...okay....

From this angle, I can really see his features.. You've never seen his body before, have you? I could stare at it all day. He, of course, think he's too feminine, but he isn't. First and foremost, he has collarbones I could run my fingers all over all day, and his chest is defined, cut, and so is his stomach. His belly button is between an innie and an outie, and no, I've never imagined what it would be like to take a shot from it. His legs are lean, muscly, though they're connected to a piece that doesn't seem to fit as much. Though his body is defined, his ass is a perfect globe of perfection. He hates, I love it. End of story.

Anyway, sorry. When I release his wrist, they fall between his pecs. My ability to inhale and exhale is suddenly forgotten. I look up at the ceiling for a second, trying to gain my composure, but that's hard to do when I focus on Louis again. He's gazing at me with pleading eyes, his lips perched tightly. It's almost as if he is enjoying this almost. This is not the time to get turned on, Harry. Fuck. Focus.

"Now you can't hurt yourself," I say pulling the scarf making sure it isn't going to hurt him in his sleep. I stay mounted on top of him until he wiggles his body around. "Oh fuck, sorry, Lou! I was just sitting on you like it was nothing. Am I hurting your stitches?"

Louis tries to sit up, but the weight of my body is keeping him pinned down. I am not sure why, but I am putting my palms into the mattress, stretching out over top of his body. He's closing his eyes and making a noise that will forever ring in my ears, a sexy, sensual sound.

"I..." Louis tries to speak but no words came out. This isn't like him at all. He's the most talkative person I know. "No, you're not hurting my stitches."

"Okay," I reply as I nuzzle my head in his chest. I don't care if we look awkward. I roll off of him and bring him closer to me. His tied up hands rest between us, along with the thick atmosphere of sexual tension that I'm sure I am the only one feeling.

Louis' drunken state causes him to toss and turn, trying to get comfortable. He sighs a few times before finally laying on his back, his head on my arm like before. "I'm still horny," he groaned..

I put my hand over his mouth. I am too. "You need to sleep now, Louis. I have to get up soon to go to the bakery. Need a quick nap."

"Will you just turn over then so I can jerk off?" He ask with no shame or inhibitions.

"That would require me to untie your hands, so no. I'm sorry," #sorrynotsorry.

"You're right, Hazza. I just can't help it! I thought I was going to get laid tonight and then I come over here and you...." He stops talking. I could feel little beads of sweat forming on the back of his hairline. "I mean, I'll just go to sleep. Of course I will. Goodnight!"

I cover both of us up with the blanket, fighting off my own fatigue until I know he is in a deep sleep. Alcohol does have its perk with Louis, such as warding off enemy insomnia. You see, he is a sneaky little bastard when he wants to be so this 'I wanna kill myself' battle is far from over. Luckily, I think the alcohol will help him sleep through the night and most of the day - meaning, I can rest too.

Except, now, I'm incredibly hard.

"Lou?" I call but he doesn't answer, which is what I want.

I roll him off my arm and excuse myself to the bathroom. Just me and my hand tonight that is NOT thinking about a blue eyed beauty tied up in my bed with my old tattered scarf. My brain does not have a Yorkshire accent screaming my name with feathery thin lips that compliment a sharp jawline.

Well, he'd never know it anyway...unless YOU tell him. Please don't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What even is this story? LOL!


	4. #4

So you've met vulnerable apologetic Louis and then a hopeful-to-get-laid drunken-but-innocent Louis. Today, you will be meeting grumpy kitten Louis.

I fall asleep, much to my dismay, around 5:30 a.m. Of course that means, I am going to be utterly exhausted during my shift at the bakery this morning. Yet, how is that any different than any other day? I find it a challenge to sleep lately - especially with Louis in my arms. What if he gets out of bed and tries to do something? I'd never forgive myself. Although truth be told, it doesn't matter if he is here physically or not. It's probably worse when he is at his own flat. Sometimes, I can the worry tight in my chest.

Anyway, it is now 7:30 a.m. and I have to be at the bakery in 30 minutes to open up the shop and get the scones, cupcakes, and truffles on display. I try and wiggle out of Louis' grasp, but he keeps his head on my arm, groaning when I try and pry him off of me.

"I gotta go to work!" I exclaim. "Come on Lou, this is ridiculous." But how I love it so.

"Harry. Stop!" He fights back. His breath still reeks of alcohol and his eyes look glued shut. We've been down this road many times before. He rested his head on my shoulder and grips the side of my ribs tightly. "I feel like shit!"

"I'm sorry. I'd love to stay home and baby you, but I can't, not today."

"Oh piss off then!" He says wounded. "And bring me home a bagel, please?" Louis rolls over, his hands wrist still bound. "How did I get in your...hipster scarf? Did I....did you....did we?" A crimson shade dusts his cheeks, making his small freckles stand out more.

"It was just a precaution, that's all. Here, I'll untie you," I giggle as I remove my scarf. "How's the stitches?"

"Fine. Now, goodnight Harold!" Louis groans and retucks his hand under my ribs.

I ruffle his hair a little bit and try to pry him off of me. He is weak, that's for sure. It isn't very hard to roll him over on his side. With a huff, he expectedly calls me a few names such as "meany" and passes out again. I leave him a text saying I'll be back after my shift, and if he were to leave, be sure to lock my flat.

As per usual, my ride to the bakery is filled with my everlasting thoughts on how to help Louis stop being depressed. I know that Doctor Horan explained to me that depression is a mixture of organic matter in the brain where chemicals are off balance, and sometimes, an environmental effect (such as certain personality traits.) Truth be told, Louis is one to wallow. He always has been, but it's just a part of who he is - not this depressed person. No matter the cause, I hate him feeling this way. I truly do.

You see, the Louis I became friends with was rambunctious. He was a perfect formula of flamboyant and sinister. He had the sharpest of tongues and was cheeky, oh so cheeky. We were like two puzzle pieces, because, I too, loved to use my words. I used to tell a lot of knock knock jokes. Sometimes, he'd be the only one to laugh, or look at me with starry eyes. I wasn't quite sure why he did that.

Over the years, we both changed. As Louis grew to hate his entire existence, I began to see life a little less colorful myself. The knock knock jokes were no longer funny, though he would still laugh out of sympathy. I just didn't feel the need to tell jokes anymore. Instead, I let my entire being wish for his happiness again. Oh, what I wouldn't give for that.

As I park my Royce and unlocked the bakery door, I can smell cinnamon and yeast. Usually, I've grown immune to the smell, but it is potent this morning, probably due to the morning rain. I need to be careful today because I was taught in Culinary School that rain can cause humidity to sneak into the raw ingredients and make cookies more dense.

At 8:00 a.m. sharp, I turn the sign over for the customers to know I am open. I stay in the front of the bakery, continuing to make sure everything looks aesthetic. If you can, picture a display case with blue and green cupcakes. To the right of them are eclairs, strudels, and macaroons. To the left are other various cakes such as cheesecake and birthday cake, On the bottom shelf is where I usually keep the previous day items, but luckily for me, I hardly have any.

"Good morning, Harry," Alyssa, my pastry chef announces as she ties her apron. "We had an order yesterday for a 3 tier wedding cake to be made by next Sunday."

"Oh really? What did they order?" I asked as I look through the orders. Sometimes, I wish she had the ability to turn some customers away or enforce my deadlines. A 3 tier wedding cake by Sunday is a very daunting task and I have a best-friend who needs my attention.

For a second, I could see Alyssa's cheek grow a flaming red as if she were embarrassed, though I'm not sure why. "Pink Champagne," she looks at the floor as if she were a child and I would scold her at any moment.

Perhaps she knows it was because pink champagne was a very difficult flavor to get just right as it contained both raspberry mousse with vanilla undertones. Too much of either one of those flavors and it would be off balance.

To be honest, I am not blind - or naive in the least sense. I know Alyssa has had a crush on me since the day of our interview. I figured it would have caused her to quit by now. She didn't take it kindly to learn that I was into the same sex. In fact, she called in sick for three days straight, but on the fourth, she acted as if nothing was wrong.

One day when Louis came into the bakery for me to drive him to therapy, Alyssa looked at me with wide eyes and simply said, "That's him, isn't it?" Of course, all I could do was hide my smile, chew on my nail, and nod like a schoolgirl. She stopped liking me that day and is engaged to some Jewelry store owner named Marcus.

"Alyssa, please consult with my schedule about the wedding cakes," I remind her firmly her as she nods, though I know she's just going to continue to say yes to every customer.

For hours, we greet customers and keep the bakery stocked with my signature creations. However, I am getting anxious because Louis is beginning to spam text me. This means that he's in distress, and the probability of him doing something stupid is extremely high. With vague lines such as Haz, I don't feel good. Fuck, I knew this was a disaster waiting to happen.

"Can you watch the bakery while I go to lunch?" I ask as I removed my apron. Alyssa agrees,, as she pipes some cupcakes and hums to herself. I thank her and begin to walk across the street.

The bank was an antique to the town. Everyone that worked there had employed since I was little I feel like. It makes me feel comfortable to never see an unfamiliar face. Just like the hospital, most know me by name.

"Good evening Mr. Styles," Bernice, a ginger-haired bank teller greets me. "Mr. Payne will be with you shortly. Please help yourself to all the lollipops you can eat."

I smile at her, for she knows me so well. I always opt to take a lollipop every time. I shuffle the candy around the basket until I find a strawberry flavored dum-dum and sit in the oversized leather chair inside of the bank manager's office. I didn't have to wait long when he came to shake my hand.

"Harry! I haven't seen you in a long time I feel like. How's Anne?"

Liam, or Mr. Payne, and I go way back. We used to go to elementary and high-school together. We were in the same clique. You could even call us best-friends back in those days. However, as you get older, you learn that there are people who who belong for a season in your life, but they show up from time to time to greet you like a warm blanket. For me, that was Liam.

"She's doing great. She works at the bakery with me on Thursdays," I smile at him, "How's Karen and Geoff?" I ask casually. His parents used to invite me for sleepovers all the time. We used to make forts in the living room. Louis would come most of the time, too, when he felt like it.

"Oh, you know, enjoying their retirement," Liam rolls up his sleeves. "So what can I do for you?"

"Well, I was needing to take out a loan. I think the bakery can stand good for it. I'm not really sure how this works," I shrug nervously.

Liam nodded at me and leans into his desk. "A business or personal loan?"

"Personal," I say more like a question. "Um..." I low my voice. "Louis has been feeling bad again, and I'd like to take him on a trip."

Liam nods again, this time more sympathetic. "Ah yes, Louis. I was going to ask how he was doing, but I get afraid to, you know?"

This time it was my turn to nod. "He's doing better though," I quickly add.

"How much are you thinking?" Liam ask as he began to do math on the computer.

"Um....$3000....I think?" I really know nothing about this kind of thing.

"Okay, give me one second to enter my calculations here."

Liam's thinking face begins to emerge. I had no idea where I am even going to take Louis, or even why I am listening to that crazy quack of a doctor. I'm not even sure I'll get approved for anything. I had to put my bakery as good standing with a previous loan so I could go to culinary school. My credit is probably maxed out.

"Your debt to income ratio is pretty high," Liam reads outloud. "At your current salary, you'd be approved for a loan of about $1200," he sighs.

I put my head down. There is nowhere I can take Louis on that kind of money. Oh well. I knew that doctor had a bad idea anyway. I'll just help him the best I can.

As I sit there talking to the negativity in my head, Liam retrieves a fountain pen from its little holder and begins to write on a blank check. Without saying a word, he hands it to me with a smile on his face.

"Consider this a gift from a friend. Mrs. Chasteen can cash it for you up front."

I try to argue with him, tell him I can't take the check, but he quickly dismisses me. "I'm not taking no for an answer. If you feel the need, pay me half back when you can. I care about Louis, too, and you look like you could use a vacation."

"Liam, it's $5,000 of your personal money!" I say with my mouth open. "I can't accept this."

"Nonsense, Harry. You came in here to borrow money to take Louis on a trip, right? You did just that." He wheels back his chair and walks around his desk to hug me. "You still love him, don't you?"

"I do.:

"He still doesn't know, does he?"

"He has no idea," I sigh.

"Eh, nothing much changes around here, does it? Now as I said, Mrs. Chasteen can cash that for you up front. Be careful!" Liam says as he halfway closes the door to his office. "If you need a pilot, contact me. I know a great guy!"

I look at the check one more time and then glance back at Liam. I give him one more hug, with a few tears in my eyes, before I close his door fully. I embarrassingly ask the bank teller to cash the check. I don't care if I have to bake 100 pink champagne wedding cakes, I'll pay him back.

As I walk back to the bakery, I can't help but think: sometimes, I am just as messed up as Louis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh. Forgive me. <3


	5. #5

It appears today you'll be meeting wounded bird Louis, one of the most pitiful. I can tell you're going to be introduced to this persona due to three distinctive clues: he is still asleep on my couch, he's wrapped in my blanket that he's laid claim to, and he's mumbling vague phrases in his slumber.

"Stop! Stop!" Louis eyes are trying to flutter open, but it's as if his body can't decide if it wants to wake up or not. "Stop! Harry, please help me!"

I drop my brown paper bag, car keys, and phone in my recliner and rush over to him. Just as my hand grazes his back, he begins to convulse, his body stiffening up and thrashing around. His hair is beginning to stick up from the static of the fabric.

"Louis," I call but he doesn't answer me. Instead, he takes one look at me, and swings his legs off the couch, running around the apartment without purpose. In my peripheral vision, I can see him headed for the kitchen table, but my long legs don't reach him in time.

I watch helplessly as his head thuds on the kitchen floor. However, just as quickly as he falls, he scurries away on his bottom, shuffling his feet until his back collides with the wall. His body is tense, shaking, and curled.

I try and approach him cautiously. Doctor Horan explained this to me months ago (the second time Louis was his patient this year). They're called 'night terrors.' They are not like nightmares, where the body is fully asleep. The brain is in a half asleep, half awake state, and therefore, is frightened and misinterpreting reality. A shadow on the wall, for example, can be mistaken as a hooded figure. If I were to wake him, he'd be agitated, confused, maybe even aggressive [believe me, I've had my fair share of being pushed.]

Though it's probably not the best solution, it's the only one I can come up at the moment. During these episodes, my anxiety increases and I find it hard to think straight, so you'll have to excuse my problem solving skills. My only goal at the moment is make sure Louis stays in tact: his beauty, his essence, everything. The only way I feel I can do that is make sure his space is free of clutter and let this episode pass.

"STOP! Don't come any closer!" He says gripping his head and putting it between his thighs protectively.

Keeping my distance, I lay on the couch and watch television for a little while, trying to keep myself awake. I had a long day at the bakery on my feet all day, not to mention my lack of sleep, and I'd love to just take a nap. What kind of friend would I be to just dismiss this, though?

When I see him stretched out on my tiled floor, his shirt up, belly exposed, I realize that he is sound asleep again, peacefully. My conundrum at the moment is whether I should wake him or relocate him back to the couch.

However, I don't like either of those options. I mean, he just had a night terror that he won't even remember. Of course, he's going to be afraid when he wakes up, right? A little cuddling never hurt anyone. So what if the chances of him remembering are extremely low - I remember, and I'm a little shaky from it myself. Don't I deserve an award for surviving this, too?

I walk back over to the couch and drape the blanket over my shoulder before going in my bedroom and getting two pillows off of the bed. The walk back into the kitchen is enough to make me have heart eyes for the rest of my life.

Laying completely still in the fetal position, I find Louis softly muttering my name like he's wanting me to protect him from all of life's darkness; and without hesitation, of course I will. That is why I am strategically putting two pillows side by side, picking his head up, and putting him on the right one while I take the left, all the while covering us both up.

So what if I want to be the little spoon tonight. With him laying on his side, I tuck myself under his arm, and close my eyes. Exhaustion suddenly hits me harder than I can knead dough, and if I may add, it's quite the sight to see.

The tragic thing about all of this is when Louis wakes up, he's going to ask me why we are asleep in his kitchen. I'm going to tell him that he had another night terror and ash him what it was about. He won't remember - and I believe him. However, Doctor Horan told me that most night terrors are brought on by anxiety, trauma, or depression. It breaks my heart to know, that even sleeping, a time to be at peace, has been invaded by the crippling disease known as major depressive disorder.

I really hope this trip can give him a new perspective. It may sound egotistical, but I'm so fatigued, I hope it can give me a new perspective too. I plan on working on falling out of love with him. It's a lost cause, anyway. I'd rather him have as my best-friend than as nothing. There is only one problem: I'm not sure I can ever stop loving my wounded bird. I suppose it is possible to revert back to love him as just a friend, but I've yet to learn how.

Just before I finally feel my body slowing my breathing, I feel Louis tighten his arm around my chest, pulling me closer to him. His nose is nestled in the crook of my neck, and I wonder how my wild hair isn't bothering his face. I can't help but smile knowing I'm exactly where I could spend the rest of my life. It's peculiar to me that these arms have embraced me for over a decade, but it makes my heart flutter every-time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Could he be anymore far gone for this boy?


	6. #6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kudos and all the reads. I was really worried that I made Harry too far gone and Louis too angsty. I appreciate it so much! You have no idea <3

Do you remember when Liam asked me if I needed a good pilot to call him? Well, I didn't want to, but it turns out, you have to buy your airline ticket months in advance during this season. I just don't have that time to sit around and waste.

 

You see, after Louis' night terror incident, he told me he was going to visit his family, and he'd be back in a week or so. That wasn't worrisome to me, In fact, it gave me time to get everything in order. However, on day 4, his Mother called and told me she had to take him to get his stomach pumped - an apparent overdose again. The red flag is how frequent these are becoming now. His sister told me how he gave her something their grandmother gave to him. She said that he told her he knew she'd take care of it. Why is he giving away belongings?

Needless to say, here I am, sitting in Liam's office once more. He is currently on the phone, and I'm just swinging my leg back and forth, tasting my blueberry lollipop.

"Ah, Harry, sorry about that. So you need my pilot after all?" Liam says amused, swiveling his chair around.

"I do," I scoot my chair closer to his desk. "I need to leave as soon as possible."

"Where to?" He ask as he cups the receiver with his hand.

"What does he have available?"

Liam holds his index finger up, waiting for the person to pick up the phone. When he finally gets an answer, I can see a familiar glimmer in his eyes. "Hey fiance! Yes, I miss you too, sweetheart! No, everything is fine. I'm just sitting here in front of my friend, Harry, at the bank. Yes, we went to school together." Liam continues his conversation as I sit awkward, feeling like I am invading privacy. "He needs a pilot for him and his best-friend - well, more like the love of his life." My eyes grow wide but he waves his hand in the air. "What is your schedule like? He can't decide on a country!"

The anticipation grows in the pit of my stomach. I've been trying to do my own research about what city to take Louis too, but there are so many in the world to choose from. Between you and me, Louis can be a bit moody, if you haven't noticed. If the country is too cold, he will have an absolute terrible time. He hates to be cold. If it is too crowded, he may have a panic attack. If it is too expensive, he'll feel guilty and shut down.

"Perfect! They'll love that! What? Three days?" Liam cups the receiver again. "Is three days from now, okay?" He ask in my direction as I nod. "Great! So I can expect you to come home in two? Aww. I love you so much. Have a wonderful flight, babe. Call you later!"

I smile fondly at the conversation. It appears I've lost touch with Liam more than I realize. "So fiance?"

"Yes! This is the one for me, I know it!" Liam exclaims as he turns his computer monitor around to show me his background. It's a picture of him and some man with dark hair the color of ebony and a jawline to die for - though, he's still can't compete with Louis' facial features. The man is wearing a pilot hat so i assume this is going to be the one taking me to who-knows-where. "His name is Zayn Malik, but it's going to be Payne soon. Don't even laugh at the rhyme. Everyone does," He warns, but I can't help but snicker anyway.

I'm still trying to process the fact that Liam is going to marry a man. I had no idea he was even into men. He dated so many girls in high-school, college even. I saw it on his social media post. I guess he can see it on my face because he opens up the conversation.

"I have a late coming out story, I know. I've always been a little envious of you and how sure of yourself you are. I didn't know I liked men until I met Zayn. I had a business trip, and was having a hard time fastening my seatbelt. I was too drunk to let the flight attendant help, and I was putting him behind schedule. So he marches to do it himself, and one look at each-other, and we just knew. That was a year ago," Liam wipes away a tear.

"That's beautiful, Li," I assure him.

"Thank you!" He crosses his legs. "Anyway, Zayn has to be inn Milan in three days, and he says he can drop the pair of you off in Paris on his way! If you've never been, Harry, let me tell you how romantic it is!"

"Romantic?" I question.

"Yes! I know you two aren't dating, but it's just what Louis needs, Harry! You will love this city. It is a baker's dream. Some of the most pristine bakers have studied there."

"I know, but romantic?"

"Just trust me, Harry. There's no better way to be happy than to be surrounded by love. Now, I am going to give Zayn your number so you can sort-out the details. Be sure to have you and Louis packed and ready to go in three days. He doesn't like to wait around!" Liam shakes my hand, but I maneuver around the desk, giving him a hug and mouthing 'thank you.'

Since that endeavor didn't take very long, I still have time to get lunch before i have to resume my duties at my bakery. Luckily for me, there's a little shop that makes the best seafood. I haven't been here in ages, though I've been craving it. It's funny how fast life changes and things get strange, isn't it? I used to love coming here. Someone who used to be close to me runs it. We went to culinary school together.

Today, is the day I am going to let go of all my past troubles. I've been so focused on Louis that there are times, I've not given myself the proper time to process my own pain - at least that is what the internet tells me when I type in my symptoms. Lately, I've felt empty inside, a little jaded. Apparently, I'm stuck and unable to move forward.

So, enough of my emotional breakdown. Let's get back to the restaurant.

The wallpaper inside the cafe hasn't changed a bit since I last ate here. It has an Italian theme with speckles of red, black, and white colors everywhere. It attracts a lot of the senior citizen crowd at this hour. I always enjoyed sharing conversations with them about the war, their marriage, or their children. I guess I'm a sensitive soul at heart.

It is awkward when I open the door. I sit down for a minute, feeling completely out of place. Okay, this is a stupid idea. I think I'm just going to go to the deli across the street and get a hoagie.

"Harry!"

Am I still breathing? I think I am. My ex boyfriend is currently sitting down on the stool beside of me. If I were to be honest, he's still as gorgeous as ever. He is only an inch shorter than me. He is of Swedish descendant. He has an accent that used to make my heart skip a beat. His eyes are blue, the color of a calm ocean. I mean, they're not Louis blue, but they're still pretty. He was deep into fitness. We'd often run together in the mornings and work our bodies out at night either at the gym or making love for hours, sometimes both.

"Hey Andreas," I say as I stare at him longer than I should be doing. It's just I feel like I am looking at a ghost.

"How are you?" He ask as he snaps his fingers, a waiter appearing. "Get Harry a caprese salad, thank you, Dahlia."

I can't believe he remembers my favorite dish. "I'm okay. I'm going out of town soon. I'm going to Paris," I frown at the thought of Louis. "How're you?"

"Beautiful city. Been there to study the art of of dessert making," He nods. "Holiday?"

"Something like that," I say as I cut off the conversation.

Andreas watches as the waiter brings me my salad. He then dismisses himself for a second and comes back with a fresh cup of brewed tea, sitting it beside my dish. "Rose tea for you."

I blush as he once again remembers what I used to love about this place. "Thank you." There's a silence for a second, and it isn't comfortable. I feel like he's staring at me, wanting to say more, and struggling not to. "Well, I have to get back to the bakery. Thank you for the lunch." I lay $15.00 on the table and get up to leave.

Andreas grabs my arm. "Wait, Harry! I just want to say you still look so handsome," He pats my hair. "Can I come by later so we can finish this conversation?"

What conversation is he talking about?

"Thank you, Andreas, but I'm not sure that's a good idea," I get up once more but he jobs with me outside.

"Is this about Louis?" He suddenly inquires.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Your petite friend. Have you two finally started a relationship?"

"No, he's still my best-friend."

"Is it someone else?"

"You know, what? I'd like it if you'd come over, Andreas," I realize that he needs closure just as much as I do. He at least deserves that after the way I left him. That's a story for another day, I suppose.

"Tonight?" He looks hopeful and I nod, sipping my tea as I walk back to the bakery.

I look out the window, watching as Andreas goes back into his cafe. It was years ago, sure. We were young and the timing was all wrong. Isn't it funny how all the stars can align perfectly, but there's something missing in the galaxy? Sometimes, things don't have reasons.

Alyssa stands beside me with her arms crossed. "I always liked him," She concludes.

"He's coming over later," I can't help but vent. I really do need new friends.

"Good," She smiles as she starts stirring the batter. 

Just before I can put my apron back on, my phone buzzes in my pocket. It's Louis.

Louis: Hazzy! fucked up. I can't listen to anymore lectures or mom crying how I keep hurting her. They had me so sedated, can't even think straight. I miss you. 

Of course, I reply immediately 

Harry: I miss you 2, and she isn't the only one ur hurting. When u coming back home?

Harry: u seem very cuddly right now btw. need a good hair brushing.

Louis: Not you 2...maybe tom....we can cuddle tom. Love u.

Harry: That makes me happy. see?

Harry: I love you, too. Guess what?

Louis: What? Nice pic btw it's off ur new contact pic

Harry: Andreas is coming over later.

Louis: Y?

Harry: Closure.

Louis: ..... is that a good idea?

Harry: I think so?

Louis: Ok, well, hope you get what you need.

Harry: TY.


	7. #7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm....will Harry and Andrea's closure go as planned? OR Is there a certain man interrupting?

I have no rhyme or reason as to why I am spraying my neck with cologne or unfastening three buttons on my blouse. It certainly isn’t with the hopes of getting laid tonight. It’s been so long since I’ve been touched by another person in an intimate way that I’m not so sure I wouldn’t come just from kissing. Why is my love life so pathetic?

Knock, Knock, Knock.

“Harry, you home?” Andreas calls. I can hear his thick Swedish accent. He always had such a distinctive voice - almost as lovely as Louis’.

“Yeah, just a minute!” I say as I smooth out my shirt for good measure and walk toward the door. I sigh as I turn the knob. “Good to see you again. Please have a seat!”

Taking a deep breath, I guide us both to the couch and began to fidget anxiously. I haven’t been alone with Andreas in awhile, and I have no idea what to say to him. I cross my left long on top of my right, then change positions so my right is on top my life. 

“I brought you these,” Andreas offers as he places a box between us. My eyes travel down to the gift. I already know what it's inside - I’ve seen it before. It’s some of Andreas homemade swedish chocolate bars. 

“That’s so lovely!” I exclaim. I can’t remember the last time someone gifted me something just because. “Thank you.” 

Andreas holds up his hand. “No need to thank me, Harry. It’s no trouble at all. I love being an Chocolateer, you know that!” He giggles as I nod. “Now, tell me, how are you REALLY? I don’t believe the cafe answer was the the truth.”

I sit and think about my response for a minute as my left leg swings back over my right once more, my foot swaying in the air. “Things are okay,” I say honestly. “The bakery has done wonderful this year. You were right about Alyssa being the right candidate.” 

“That’s good but I didn’t ask about your bakery. How are YOU, Harry?” 

Gulping, I can feel my hands get clammy. Eww. “I’m okay, too. I’m a little tired these days, but I’m okay. How about you?”

Andreas looks at me with a skeptical expression. “Define okay.”

“Well, I told you about Paris. I’m excited for that,” I stop fidgeting as I turn my body to face Andreas, placing one of my legs in the couch, bent at the knee. “I’ve booked Louis and I this great townhouse for 10 days!”   
‘Oh, I see. Is Louis excited, too?” Andreas ask, his blue eyes dancing off the candle i placed on the coffee table.

“It’s a surprise,” I smile. “I’m hoping it’ll help him out of his rut.” 

Andreas tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. “Oh, I see.” He repeats. “He’s still causing you great worry.”

“No, no. He’s my best-friend. He makes me happy.”

“But he makes you sad, too. Is he the reason for these purple circles forming under your eyes?” Andreas traces the bottom of my eyelid with the pad of his fingers. “I miss you, Harry. We had something magical. Have you got another?”

I unwrap the Swedish Chocolate, looking at masterpiece that Andreas always completes. It’s familiar, easy. “No. Not since you, haven’t dated anyone.”

Flashing his pearly teeth at me, Andreas takes a piece and holds it up to my lips, dragging the chocolate across them slowly until I can’t resist the temptation to let it melt on my tongue.

“Me either. I’ve tried,” Andreas lets his chest rise and fall heavily. “But it’s you I always want. I don’t understand why you left me. All I said I was I lov- “

I place my index over his mouth. “I remember what you said, Andreas. I’m sorry I left you, but, I realized I couldn’t say it back.”

He nods, understandingly. “I know. You’re in love with Louis. I could tell by the way you’d ignore me as soon as he called or walked in the room - they way you talked about him at night after we made love.” 

“I’m sorry,” I put my head down in shame. “I do love him, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t love you, too.” 

Andreas puts his hand on my cheek. “Harry, you’ve always been so lovely, so attractive, but behind those eyes is sadness. Louis is incapable of loving you back. He’s straight - and that hurts you so.” 

I can feel a tear rolling down my cheek. Andreas only knows this because it’s something I’ve shared with him before - countless times, thinking I was only venting to him. Yet, in retrospect, I realize, I was wanting him to make me feel like shit, leave me. I deserved it because I made him feel alone, even when I was in the room. I stayed out of loneliness and that was so selfish of me.

He’s sitting here, even still, wiping away my tears about another man - someone who got in the way of us being happy together (though Louis will never know.)

“I can make you happy, Harry.”

“Andreas.”

“No, please. I can give you anything you’ve ever wanted. I forgive you” He leans closer to me. I back up until my back hits the arm of the chair. He leans forward. “I’ve always loved your cologne,” He confesses as he puts our foreheads together. 

My eyes flutter shut as I let out a large sigh, turning my head to the side. When I reopen them, Andreas eyes are now looking into mine, a hint of sorrow beginning to surface. He is leaning toward me, closer, closer, but stopping because he can see me pull away.

“You deserve to be taken care of too, Harry,” His breath is hitting my lips. I can feel them parting, my eyes closing, tears streaming down my face. Why am I wrapping my arms around his neck and pushing us both down into the couch? Why am I let him grip my love handles, pulling me into him as our hips rub together? Why am I connecting our lips?

“You taste the same as you did back then,” He sighs. “Be with me again, Harry. I love you,” He moans in my mouth as I deepen our kiss. He’s entangling his hand in the strands of my hair, kissing down my jawline and nibbling on my neck. I can’t stop it. The desire to be close to someone is overtaking my sense of reality.

Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock.

“Were you expecting someone?” Andreas ask as he starts to drag his teeth across my collarbones.

“No….let’s take this to my room,” I quickly mutter, hoping the person at the door will go away.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Andreas stumbles over a pair of my boots as we kiss, almost to my bedroom, but suddenly, we hear keys jingling and the doorknob twisting.

“Hazzy!” Louis drops all his belongings and jumps in my arms. “I missed you so much!”

“Louis! You’re home!” I catch him, support him with my hands that are gripping under his thighs tightly. I twirl him around. Out of my peripheral vision, I can see Andreas rub his face in a frustrated manner. “How was my second Mama?”

“Ugh, Haz, she’s so dramatic going on and on how I keep breaking her heart and wonders what she did wrong. I tell her over and over she didn’t do anything, but she insist on feeling guilty.” Louis throws his arms in the air. “Oh hey, Andreas.”

“Halla,” Andreas says annoyed. I glare at him.

“You had to get your stomach pumped, Lou...again!” I remind him as I guide him over to the couch.

“Yeah, but this time, I wasn't even trying. I just wanted to sleep,” He pouts. 

“I thought you weren’t coming back until tomorrow,” I cock an eyebrow as he throws his feet in my lap, putting the box of chocolate on his. Like always, I begin rubbing circles on the top of his foot.

Andreas slips on his coat. “Harry, can I talk to you for a second?” Louis tries to stand up. “Alone..”

“Sure,” I pipe as we go outside. “What’s up?”

“I’m going to leave. I now see that after all this time, you still have that starstruck look about you when he appears. This was no accident, Harry. Did Louis know I was coming?”

“Yeah, but….”

Andreas reaches up to kiss my cheek. “Eh, I thought Louis was blind, but it turns out, Harry, you’re blind too. Take care of yourself, and please, come into the cafe anytime. Adjö.”

I reopen the door, smiling as I see Louis stretched out on my couch eating a piece of chocolate Andreas made for me. “Come here,” he motions me over, and I oblige without hesitation. “I really did miss you.”

I lay down in the tiny space left on the couch, putting my arm over Louis chest, and extending my neck out to nibble on the piece of chocolate he almost has in his mouth. “Missed you too Louis - so much. In fact, I have a surprise for you.”

“A surprise?” He gasp as his eyes twinkle. Tonight, you’re meeting overmedicated, bubbly Louis once again. “Do tell.”

“You remember Liam?”

“Payno? Harry...how can I forget? He was one of our best mates!”

“Well, his fiance is a pilot….”

“Wait, Liam’s gay? What about Sophia? Denice? Grace?” 

“He said he didn’t know until his fiance came into his life. Anyway, as I was saying, his fiance is a pilot, and in three days, we’re going to Paris!’

“You and the Pilot are going to Paris?” Louis suddenly gets an emotional look on his face.

“No silly, me and YOU,” I bop his nose as he grins. 

“Harry...how are we going to Paris? It’s wedding cake season, and I don’t even own a beret!” 

I start to listen to Louis’ heart increasing as I pull him closer. “We’ll get you one, Lou! It’ll be the happiest 10 days of your life...there’s even Ed Sheeran tickets involved, the Eiffel Tower, a cruise….”

I can see Louis’ eyes glisten for a few seconds as he ponders on my offer. Emerging fast, though, is that guilty conscience inside his head - the one that is dangerous and makes him feel worthless.

“Will it make you happy, Hazzy?”

You make me happy enough, Louis. “So happy!’

“Then let’s go!” He exclaims. “But first, did I see you and Andreas making out?”

“Maybe,” I draw out the word. “It’s been so long, Louis! These lips deserve some action, don’t you think?”

“All you have to do is ask, love,” Louis smirks as he brings our lips together, only giving me a very small peck. Before you ask, no, this is not our first kiss, not even close. Louis has been known to give me these millisecond kisses from time to time. They’re strictly platonic. “There. Did that satisfy your craving enough to keep assholes at bay?”

“Now Lou, come on. He isn’t as bad as Eleanor,” I roll my eyes.

“Ugh, Harold. Can we not compare exes? We both have such poor taste,” Louis suddenly cups my face, our lips meeting again. “Just for good measure. Don’t want to see him ever again.”

For a man that claims to have insomnia, his eyes sure are looking glazed over. “I’m going to Paris, going to Paris! Paris!” He is saying in a sing-song rhythm.

“Come on, Lou, let’s get you to bed.”

“Going to Paris!” He continues as he weakly shuffles into my bed, removing his clothing, wrapping himself in the blanket, and opening one eye to look at me, and then quickly closing them back. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Night.”

Tonight, I am going to sleep on the couch. Even though I love sleeping beside of Louis, we don’t do that often. It’s not that I don’t want to, but because, it makes me fall more in love with him. It makes it harder for me to let go the next morning. I don’t want him to hate me for loving him in that way. He doesn’t have a clue, and I’d like to keep it that way. Andreas is right, he’s straight, and I don’t stand a chance. The last thing I’d ever want to do is push him away.

Besides, Louis only wants to sleep beside of me when he’s too drunk to function. Tonight just isn’t one of those nights. Anyway, I am drifting asleep.

“Going to Paris, Paris!” I can still hear Louis’ singing, and it’s beautiful. It’s my perfect lullabye.

We’re going to Paris.


	8. #8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter probably sucks. I am going through depression myself at the moment [sorry for whining]. The exhaustion is real! <3 Harry just had his final show for HS1. Shall we cry together?

We're on our way to Louis' follow up psychiatric appointment with Dr. Horan and the Crisis Stabilization Unit.

"Good morning, Mr. Styles, Tomlinson. Dr. Horan is running a little behind this morning, but he'll be with you shortly."

We nod and take our seats in the waiting room. Louis is fidgeting, rubbing the palm of his hands along his jeans. I pick up a taboil as usual.

 _Cardi B delivers baby in secret! We have the inside scoop!_ Aww, I love babies.

"We don't need to keep this, you know."

"Yes we do. We need Dr. Horan to send your medication to Paris, Lou." I say patting his back.

As an hour passed, Louis put his head on my shoulder, taking a quick nap. I am still sitting with my legs crossed, waiting on them to call his name. I am nervous for our trip. I don't know anyone in Paris if he were to try and do something to himself. What if they want to commit him forever?

"Mr. Tomlinson," Nurse Collins, the floor unit Nurse calls out. "You can come on back, sweetie."

Louis stops and looks back at me. "Will you come with me, Hazzy?"

"Of course, love," I respond as we start walking to his examination room.

The nurse weighs Louis and scribbles words on her clipboard before taking his blood pressure. "How have you been feeling?"

"Um, fine" He nods and looks at me, as if he's wanting me to speak on his behalf. I don't.

"Dr. Horan will be here soon!" She says as she gathers her things and exits the room.

I sat there in the silence reflecting on how things have been since Louis was last here a week ago. Not much had changed really. He still seems so down and hopeless, and I still feel like there's nothing I can do to save him.

"Good day, gentlemen. How are things?"

"Fine," we say at the same time.

"Medicine been ok, Louis?"

"Yes," Louis looks at his hands, almost shaking.

"You seem tense."

"I am. Harry and I are going to Paris and I'm scared."

"Scared?" I question as I furrow my eyebrows. "I thought you were excited?"

"I am!" Louis exclaims. "But I'm scared too."

"Mr. Tomlinson, tell me about your depression," Dr. Horan sits down on his stool and looks Louis in the eyes.

Louis looks at me, studying my face. I can tell he's wanting to say something, but he is hesitant. I place my hand on the small of his back in encouragement, and to my pleasure, he begins to speak. "I want to make a pact with you, Harry. I'm tired. So tired, and Paris is going to be beautiful, I know it. I've made myself a pact."

"A pact?" I interrupt.

"Yes." He stops talking.

Dr. Horan and I exchange confused looks. "Mr. Tomlinson, how can I help your depression?"

"Not sure." Louis answers honestly, suddenly standing up. "Thanks very much, doctor. I'm fine though. Come on, Harry."

"You can go to the car. I'll be there in a minute," I sympathetically smile at Louis who opened the door to leave. I turn my attention to Dr. Horan. "Um, I'm worried about him,"

"Me too," Dr. Horan replies. "Paris, huh?"

I can feel my cheeks turning red, but I can't contain my smile. "Yeah, we're leaving tomorrow."

"Well, I hope you two have a lovely time. I am going to write a prescription for some anxiety medicine for Louis, as well as increase his antidepressant dosage. You can pick those up this evening. He may need them for the plane ride. It can cause some to panic," Dr. Horan hands me the prescription.

"Thank you," I sincerely mean it. I can't help but hug him for a moment before leaving.

Louis already has his feet up on the dashboard of the car. I fondly shake my head at him and make our way to the pharmacy, dropping his medicine off, and heading home. "You want me to drop you off at your place or?"

"Yeah, sure. I have a date tonight."

"What? Louis! You should be packing and getting ready for our trip!" I say in disbelief.

"I can do both!" Louis laughs. "Come on, Hazzy, don't you want me to have a good time?"

"Of course, but...nevermind. I think I'm going to invite Andreas over again. We didn't get to finish our night together because someone," I poke his side. "Decides to crash our night."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Louis winks at me. "For the record, I didn't know he was there. I just wanted to come and see my favorite person," He puts his hand on my cheek for a second, and I push my face into it. "Can I stay over again tonight?"

I love the feeling of his hand caressing my face. "Don't even have to ask."

~*~*~*~*~*~

I really hadn't planned on hanging out with Andreas anymore, but when Louis said he was going out, it made me want to have that connection with someone too. It's not that I am looking for a relationship with Andreas, not at all. I just want to fulfill my own selfish need for intimacy. I was more than surprised when he actually agreed to give me another chance.

I can hear him knocking on the door. My jeans, t-shirt, and boots are wrinkle free and sprayed with my Tom Ford cologne. I am ready for a good night. Louis just sent me a picture of his date. She's cute, I'll give him that. Maybe this one won't puke on his shoes.

"Andreas," I sigh as I let him in. He waste no time in crashing our lips together, and I waste no time in guiding him over to the couch. It's almost as if he can sense what I want. Am I producing pheromones that say I am desperate for love?

"Harry, so glad you called. I wanted you so bad last night," He breathes in my face. I guide his hands to the buckle of my jeans and he instantly begins to undo my belt, crawling on top of me.

"Oh, yeah?" I tease as I feel Andreas rubbing our clothed crotches together. I don't feel anything emotionally, and the only reason my dick is responding is because it hasn't gotten any action in a very long time.

"Yeah," He sighs as he slides a hand under my boxer-line. I close my eyes, the anticipation beginning to swell up in the pit of my stomach. Andreas is sliding off my lap, his knees hitting the floor. He tugs at my boxers, my ass lifting up off the chair for a second to help him out.

He inches closer to my dick, his mouth almost around my shaft, but for some reason - I stop him. I get a sudden ill feeling come over me. "Andreas, wait. I need to check on Louis." I get up and grab my phone, watching as he tumbles on his ass.

He follows me into my bedroom as I remove my phone off charge. I sit on my bed checking my messages. To my delight (or disgust, up to you), Louis is sending me photos of his date. Currently, he is going to her place, texting me 'so far, so good.' Great. He's going to get laid tonight. Then, so am I.

"Sorry," I shrug. "Now where were we?"

I don't feel good about it at all. In the darkness, I can hear Andreas sliding a condom on. As he slowly opens me up with his fingers, I can't help but let my mind wander. I wonder if Louis is having a good time or if this woman is pursuing a relationship. Is he wanting a relationship?

"Does this not feel good, Harry? You're making a face."

"No, feels good," I say absent-mindedly. I stare at his eyes, pretending they're Louis'. I am more than pathetic. I sure hope this Paris trip is going to be healing for the both of us. I really hope I can drop my feelings for him. Maybe tonight, Andreas can make me do just that.

I grimace at the sudden invasion inside my body, feeling Andreas slowly push his tip inside of me. It's been a long time since he and I have done anything like this, and just like the last time we had, I don't feel a thing. My dick is hard, sure, but only because of the stimulation. I can see it on his face though - old feelings are emerging.

"You're so tight, Harry. You feel amazing," He groans out.

"Thank you," Thank you? What the fuck? I am so awkward. "You too, I mean."

I try and fake sexy sounds the best I can. It isn't long before he is cuming in the condom, tieing it up, and laying beside of me trying to cuddle. I roll on my side and fall asleep instantly. I don't wake up again until I hear a loud scream, rushing into my living room.

I'm very confused to see Andreas holding his nose with a disoriented Louis shaking his fist.

"Louis?" I rush over to him. "What happened?"

"He's crazy, that's what! Harry, listen to me!" Andreas face is bloodied, and I have no idea why. "Tell him to leave!"

Louis looks at Andreas, then he looks at me. His eyes are pleading for something, but I'm not sure what.

"Um, Andreas, I think you need to leave. I'm sorry," I say sympathetically as he huffs, exiting my flat, ramming Louis harshly on the shoulder on the way out with his own.

I dash into my bedroom to get on a shirt and some boxers and come back into my room. "What happened, Lou?"

"Nothing," He snaps. "Nothing. I'm ready to go to bed. I'll sleep on the couch tonight."

"No, you can have my bed. I'll sleep on the couch. I promise I don't mind!" I exclaim as I approach him.

"Um...you and Andreas had sex on it. I can tell. I'll just sleep on the couch...but, can you shower and cuddle me?" He ask, his voice almost breaking.

"Can you tell me about your date?" I hesitantly asked.

"It sucked, Harry. I push everyone away. I need cuddles by my Hazzy, please!" He goes into the bathroom and washes the blood off his hands.

As he leaves, I jump in the shower, washing away Andreas. When I get back into the living room, Louis is already under the cocooned under the blankets fading in and out of consciousness.

"Louis, why'd you punch Andreas?"

"I thought I gave you enough kisses to keep him away from you," Louis pouts.

"If it makes you feel any better, that's the last time. I think I'm going to do what you do and get into online dating. I think I'm ready for a relationship again." I inform him.

Louis leans into my chest, putting his head in the crook of my neck, suddenly let out loud sobs.I don't have to ask why. He does this sometimes when he's having one of his depressive episodes. I am not required to do nothing but hold him and promise him it'll be okay.

As he wipes his tears on the back of his hand, he bites his bottom lip and looks at me. "Do you remember that pact I told you about at Dr. Horan's office?" I nod. "Well, I am tired, Harry. If Paris doesn't help me at all, I want to go through with it."

"Louis."

"No, please. I am so tired. Please don't argue. Just hold me."

"Alright," I don't know what to say.

"I love you, Hazzy."

"Love you too." I stroke his hair. "I'm sorry your date sucked."

"She's a lovely girl but...I couldn't get it up!" Louis cries. "Something's wrong with me."

"It's not you, it's her. She wasn't good enough for you." I confess.

Louis puts his hand under my chin, colliding our lips together for a millisecond once more. "No more assholes, Harry. Your house still smells like sex."

"No more assholes," I agree, though I don't really think Andreas is an asshole, but I'll always agree with Louis no matter what. "Tomorrow, we're going to Paris."

"Then we better sleep so tomorrow'll come," Louis numbly states as he closed his eyes, though I can still feel tears pricking down on my arm.


	9. #9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the plane. YAY! [After this chapter, there will be things that require tissues, band aids, and holy water....]

We’re currently waiting on our pilot to show up. I’m not even sure we have the correct address or not because this looks more like a house instead of an airport. However, judging by the big plane with the words “Zayn’s Plane” written on on the side, something tells me it probably is. 

“Louis, are you ever going to tell me why you punched Andreas last night?” I want to address the elephant in the room now so we won’t have that baggage in Paris.

“Can we forget about it, Hazzy?” Louis begs. “Please! I had to do it. He wouldn’t shut up.” Louis looks down at his shoes, almost as if he’s unsure of himself. I don’t want him to get too overwhelmed before our trip so I drop it, though I plan on picking it up later. Maybe it’ll be easier to just ask Andreas.

“Yeah, we can. You want to take your anxiety meds?” I ask as I open my messenger bag. 

“I guess….” Louis sighs, almost embarrassed. 

Before I can open the vile of liquid ativan, a man approaches us wearing a Hawaiian button up shirt and aviator glasses. His tan is sunkissed and he’s wearing an engagement ring on his finger. His jawline is chiseled, graced with the tiniest bit of dark stubble. He looks like he could be a model. I recognize him as Liam’s fiance. 

“You must be Larry,” He sticks out his hand for us to shake.

“No, I’m Harry. This is Louis,” I recreate the handshake confused.

“Exactly,” He scratches his head. “It’s what Liam calls the pair of you.”

Louis and I exchange looks and shrug our shoulders. We don’t get it, but we’re too excited for Paris to ask any questions.

“The flight is going to take about 5 hours but my plane is...unconventional. I’ll be in the pilot’s lounge. Liam is my co-pilot but all he’s going to do is sit and look pretty. We’re going to Milan together. He has a lot of vacation time,” Zayn gets a stupid grin on his face that I recognize as being in love. “You two will have the rest of the plane all to yourself, and don’t worry, if you join the mile-high club, I won’t judge,”

“Oh we’re not together,” I interject.

Zayn seems to ignore me. “Well if you change your mind, it’s full stocked with everything you need, and I mean EVERYTHING,” 

Louis and I look at each-other and blush. He hides behind me so he’s out of sight. In case you didn’t know, he’s shorter than me, and I find that very appropriate. Even if he wasn’t, I’d protect him with my life. Somewhere in this madness, he has become my life. Don’t you think so?

“All aboard!” Liam makes his appearance. He’s wearing a shirt similar to Zayn’s and brown sandals. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think these two were going to Hawaii instead of Milan, which is not tropic in the slightest. “Good to see you again, Harry. Oh my gosh! Louis! How are you?” Without even asking, he runs behind me and gives Louis a big hug.

Surprisingly, Louis accepts. “Hey Payno.”

“You ready for this trip?” He ask the pair of us and we nod, picking up our luggage, and going inside the plane. On the way in, Liam grabs me and whispers, “I’m so sorry about Louis man. His wrist...I didn’t know it’s been this bad.”

“He’s okay now,” I assure him. I guess I’ve never sat and really thought about how the world views Louis. To me, this is just normal Louis. I’ve never realized how fucked up it may seem to others. 

As Liam walks away into the pilot’s corridors, I get my first glimpse of the plane. It looks nothing like a plane I’ve ever been in. It has a wine chiller, mini bar, a vending machine that dispenses lubricant and condoms [blush worthy, I know], video game systems, a fold out little bed, and a little couch. Louis sits on the couch, patting the spot beside of him.

“Come cuddle me, Hazzy. I’m scared,” He whispers.

I go over to Louis’ bag and get his anxiety medication before I sit down beside of him. I move a piece of stray hair out of his eyes, and smile at him. He does the same to me, resting his head on my shoulder. I snake my arm around his back and use my free arm to measure his dosage, holding the dropper up to his lips. “Open up,” I encourage him.

Louis shakes his head. “Makes me feel too sleepy, Harry!”

“It’s okay. It’s a long flight. If you take it like you’re supposed to, your body would be used to it by now, love.” I slowly push the dropper in his mouth and push on the plunge. Louis swallows the medication without complaining and puts his feet up on the couch. 

“Yes, this is your Pilot speaking and we’ll be taking off in 60 seconds. Please note the emergency exits and parachutes to your left, restroom to your right. Enjoy your flight, gentleman. I know I’m going to,” I can hear a smirk in his voice and the faint sound of Liam giggling, as well as the sound of pants being unzipped...Um, is this safe?

Louis is gripping onto me very tightly and I can feel his temperature rising. Panic is beginning to set in. I try and recite what Doctor Horan said, but it doesn’t seem to be working. 

“I can’t, I can’t!” He yells as he shoots up. “I can’t!”

“Please have a seat, Mr. Tomlinson” I hear Zayn over the intercom, followed by a moan. 

“Harry, help me. I can’t breathe! Harry...I’m dying.” Louis clutched onto my hand tightly. I felt helpless. There wasn’t much I could do except wait for this panic attack to pass. Louis didn’t have them often, but when they happened, they tugged at my heartstrings. 

“Just close your eyes,” I suggest. I watch his beautiful irises flutter shut and he’s swaying back and forth on his feet.. “If you want to go to sleep, you can. We’ll be in Paris soon,” I remind him.

“We can’t lift off until everyone is in their seats,” The moaning continues. What is Liam doing that poor boy?

Louis is hyerventilating, but it’s slowly getting better. I guide him to the empty spot beside of me, turning the television on that’s in front of us. One of his favorite shows, Black Mirror has new episodes of Netflix so I choose that. After a few moments, his breathing has returned to normal.

“You okay?” I ask as I run my fingers down his arm. He nods at me, staring at the television, avoiding eye contact. “It’s okay, Lou. Don’t be ashamed. I’m here for you.”

“You’re here for Andreas,” He spits. What the fuck? 

“Louis,” I warn him. “I’m allowed to have a love life. Think of how many dates you’ve been on lately.”

“I’m sorry. I’m just salty. You told me my kisses would keep him away, but instead, he comes over again, and...you sleep with him,” Louis groans. “I’m jealous...I can’t get it up, Harry! I think it’s my medicine...I read that anti-depressants can decrease labido and make it diffucult for males to get it up.”

“You’re right,” I can’t argue. “No more, okay? No more Andreas.”  
Louis unlatches himself from my side, looking up at me. I can see him leaning in closer to me, but my brain isn’t registering what’s going on. He’s holding onto my face with both of his hands, colliding our lips together. “That should do it.”

I can feel butterflies in my stomach, my heart racing. Louis hadn’t kissed me this much since we were in high-school and he tried this same tactic to keep me from taking Becky Ferguson to the prom.

“Louis,” I warn him. I can feel my pants growing tighter, and I’d really not like to spend 5 hours on a flight with a boner. 

“Sorry,” He blushes and giggles. I can tell the benzodiazepine has officially kicked in. He’s crawling in my lap and using his sing-song voice, poking at my dimples. “Pretty. I love your hair, Hazzy.”

I grab his hand in an attempt to keep him from caressing my face or playing with my hair. He giggles and holds my hand. I can’t do anything but latch onto his shirt, trying to contain my giddiness. 

“I’m so excited for the Ed Sheeran concert. I can’t believe we’re going to Paris, Harry,” Louis continues to touch me, and I can hardly take it. I feel like at any minute, I’m going to have spontaneous combustion.

“You’re more than welcome,” I bop his nose as I stand up to pour myself a glass of wine. 

“Get me one too!” Louis says excitedly. I look at the bottles to find the smallest proof of alcohol. He isn’t even supposed to be drinking on his medicine, but if I don’t get it, he’ll get it himself and find the largest proof instead so better be safe than sorry.

“Cheers!” I say as we clink our glasses together.

“To Paris!” Louis downs his glass. “Remember my pact, Harry. You can’t stop me this time if I can’t find my happiness.”

“Louis,” I scowl at him for the sudden mood change, though he appears unphased - almost a little too calm. 

“No, I won’t listen.”

“Don’t make me tie you up again,” I threaten. “I brought my scarf just in case.”  
“I quite enjoyed that actually,” Louis bites his bottom lip. 

Wow. He’s a good actor.


	10. #10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Landing in Paris. Naps. Snooping. The usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. My wedding is this month and the planning has taken up a lot of my time.

We are currently landing in Paris. Louis is squeezing my hand. I can tell his anxiety is racing right now; much like my heart. The wine has made Louis into a cross between cuddly kitten Louis and a soft crying emotional mess. What am I going to do with him?

“Louis, look. It’s so beautiful!” I squeal. “Oh my gosh!” 

He’s so adorable when he acts like a kid on Christmas. He’s swaying on his feet, pushing into me as if he’s both afraid and excited at the same time. I am holding him up by the waist, quietly content with smelling his hair, swaying with him. 

“This is your captain speaking saying Bienvenue en France! Please wait for the airstairs to completely touch ground before walking on them. Thank you.” I can faintly hear Liam congratulating Zayn for a successful flight. Oh love. 

“Thanks so much!” I exclaim as I wave toward the love birds. Liam winks at me as Louis, reluctantly gets on the airstairs. 

“So, what do you want to do first?” I asked, my arms still around his waist, pushing him lightly down the stairs. 

“Sleepy,” Louis confesses, putting his head down. “Can I take a short nap?”

“Of course! We can check out where we’ll be staying for the next 10 days. I think you’ll really like it!” I let go of Louis for the first time, listening to a small whine that escapes his throat. He scurries in front of me again, grabbing my arms and throwing them back around his stomach. 

“Safe.” He mumbles.

Without acknowledging his statement, I call for an taxi to take us to our destination. It is comical to say the least trying to listen to my French. The driver just shakes his head, very patiently. He never corrects my language, just tries to decipher what I’m saying. Louis is cuddled next to me, rubbing his eyes like a sleepy kitten. 

“Don’t worry, we’re almost there,” I hum. 

“You didn’t have to do this,” Louis interjects but I put my index finger in front his lips.

“I want to,” I insist. 

“Do you think French girls are as wild as they say on TV?” Louis suddenly blurts out. “If I don't get any action soon, my dick is going to burst!” 

“Oh, Lou,” I fondly roll my eyes. “I take it, you’re going to go on blind dates while you’re here?”

Nodding, Louis snuggles up to me closer, putting his head on my thigh.  
When we arrived at our destination across the city, I have to encourage Louis to get out of the taxi and give the driver his euros. Louis waves at him sweetly, as I do the same, standing in front of our new temporary home.

“Wow! Looks amazing on the outside, can’t imagine what it’s like to go in,” He points out. “You always have a good eye, Harry! How much did this cost?”

“You don’t worry about that, Lou. Now, come on. I’m tired too,” I say changing the subject. We take the elevator to the 4th floor, wheeling our luggage behind us.

I use the key card and open the door. Inside, we see a common area and a kitchen. It looked intricate but cozy. 

“So you can have the room next to the kitchen and I’ll take the one to the left of the common area,” I suggest as Louis suddenly looks disappointed. “Something wrong?”

“I just thought….nevermind,” He says waving his hand like he’s shooing away a fly. “I’m going to unpack later. Night, Harry.” Without another word, Louis scurries to his room. Moody, that one,

I wish I was as laid back as he was. I can’t help but pull my suitcase in my room and begin organizing everything. I hang my clothes up in the closet, and, align my shoes along the closet floor. Hey, you never know when you’ll need boots, sneakers, or sandals. Just because it’s a 10 day trip doesn’t mean I can’t have different pairs of shoes, doesn’t it? Didn’t think so.

I unzip my smaller suitcase. I put my toothbrush in the proper holder in the bathtub, and scatter my cologne, skincare, and haircare products in a little shelf hanging in the bathroom. There’s only one little item left in this suitcase, wrapped discreetly and camouflaged in a box of Little Debbie cakes. I looked behind me, though I know Louis is already asleep, and reveal my intimate item.

He isn’t the only one who’s been horny, you know. Now you’re probably thinking the thought of a vibrating glass, waterproof sex toy can hardly provide man pleasure….well, you’re wrong. In fact, if it wasn’t so jetlagged, I would use this right now. Louis has me all flustered, always wanting to cuddle me and talk about how he wants to get laid. 

Now I have to worry about some French woman winning over his heart and have him move ot Paris, never to see him again. Ugh. Now I have to go and look at his pretty sleeping face and admire his beauty before it’s snatched from me.

It’s been an hour since we arrived here. Unpacking takes awhile, and it’s fun too. I think I could quietly check on him, you know? Slip in and out.

Just to respect his privacy, I gently knock - though I know I won’t receive an answer. Here I am, walking over to my platonic best-friend’s best just to run my fingers through his hair and kiss his cheek. Maybe Louis right, going on blind dates is exactly what we both need. It’s time to move on from Andreas. My brain is all kinds of fucked up.

“Lou?” I say softly, sitting down causing the bed to dip slowly.

He doesn’t answer, as I knew he wouldn’t. 

His shoes are lazily kicked off in front of the bed and his clothes are thrown right beside of them. He’s covered up to his chin with his mouth parted open, though his hair is sticking to his forehead. Why is he sweating? It’s kinda chilly in here, actually.

I think I’ll just unpack for him too. If I don’t do it, I know he’ll try and live out of his suitcase and never feel fully at home. Actually, that would be just like home. He never hangs up his laundry - just leaves it in the dryer or wrinkled in a basket.

I guess I’ll begin by moving his clothes into the empty hamper. Wait a second...is that blood?

“No, no!” I screech as I pull back the covers. 

It takes a long time to inspect his entire body, but eventually I do see it when I pull the covers down to his ankles. The top of his boxers are stained with blood, still fresh. Oh my god. I can’t just...peel his boxers back. That would be the ultimate invasion.

“Louis?” I question shaking him gently. “Louis, did you hurt yourself?”

He nods, though he’s still incoherent. I now notice that his sleeping meds are beside the bed, uncapped. Past experiences are urging me to count them, and I do. They’re all there, but he has taken his dose for the day.

“I’m going to look, okay?” I wait for him to answer, but he doesn't. Instead, he moves his hand toward the blood and pulls his boxers down, showing me his hairless groin, keeping his private parts covered.

“I’m sorry,” He whispers.

I can’t take my eyes off of the gaping wound that almost looks hip to hip in diameter. It isn’t deep, I mean not deep enough to require stitches or glue, but it looks painful. I notice that this isn’t the only time he’s cut himself there. Why would he want to cut on his groin...maybe to hide the aftermath? I don’t know. 

“Lou, what triggered this?” I beg for answers, though I know he’s stlll very unconscious.   
Like I expected, he doesn’t answer me. So, I guess I’ll go in the bathroom and get a washcloth and clean him up. With tears streaming down my face, I begin to stain the pure white cotton cloth with Louis’ blood. 

“Was it something I did?” I plead but he still doesn’t answer me, instead turning over trying to get away from the cloth and covering himself back up. “Why do you do this?”

I can hear his phone vibrating under his pillow. I shouldn’t, I know I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t look at his phone without permission, but I can’t help it. Like a moth drawn to a flame, I draw the pattern on his phone and see what notification caused his phone to alert him.

“You have 2 new matches.”

I shouldn’t be opening his dating app, but I am. 

Wait. 

Oh fuck.

These are not women. 

These are men.

Sexy, attractive men who say they are looking for a discrete time. Closeted, gay men.

Wait.

This must be a mistake. Louis is not…..

I click on his profile. To my endearment, he chose a picture of himself that I always deem his best one. It’s one that I took of him one night when he was piss drunk, eyes glazed over but the blue still just as beautiful. His hair is ruffled, and he looks like a hot mess, but that smile - the smile is what makes the picture. It’s a side profile pic and his chin is pointed near his collarbones, but you can see that genuine smile. 

I can’t believe he picked this photo to be his profile picture instead of one with his hand down his jeans or his hand behind his back showing off his abs as most men do.

Louis suddenly shifts in the bed, I freeze and throw the phone in panic. However, I suddenly sigh in relief when I realizes he’s still asleep.

Oh good. I can continue to spy on my best-friend some more. Please, don’t tell him! He’d hate me forever.  
“My name is Tommo and I’m 23. My hometown is Doncaster but I live the the metro city now. Most would describe me as confusing and quirky. As for my stats, I’m 5’9 with an athletic build (I guess), blue eyes, and brown hair. 

If you want to get to know me, you may regret it. I can show you a good time though, with alcohol involved.

I’m currently seeking a man or woman around my age who won’t mind a few scars here and there. Casual or serious, open for both.”

Holy fuck. Louis is…..well, it doesn’t say. Did he accidently put man on there? I’m so confused. 

As I am putting his phone back under his pillow, I remove my clothing and crawl beside of him - staring at his beautiful face….a face I’m not even sure I know anymore.


	11. #11

This is the first morning I wake up in Paris. The landscape is breathtaking from Louis' room. There is this river that connects to the Eiffel Tower. Truly, it's just something you'll have to see - stunning really.

I am still disoriented and didn't get much sleep. After what Louis did last night, i am unsure if I can trust him. Why would he self-harm as soon as he arrived here? He made a pact with me that he would wait and see if Paris provided him any happiness and then decide what he wanted to do with life, but I think he's already giving up.

This is counterproductive to what I want with our time here, the purpose we're even here. Dr. Horan said it will help him release happy hormones, not make him more depressed. Why can't life ever be easy?

Anyway, Louis is still asleep. His body is producing soft little snores that I, yes you guessed it, find adorable. It's only 6 a.m. here anyway. I'm not quite sure what I'm even doing awake to be honest. I guess I'm worried about him. Maybe I should try and find what he harmed himself with so I can hide it.

It's still mostly dark in here, so I guess I'll just the light on my phone. It can't be far, right? He didn't leave our suite one we arrived. So here I am, in Paris, on my stomach fishing for sharp objects. That sounds lovely, huh?

Nope not under the bed. Maybe in his bathroom. That would make the most sense. I cautiously walk into the marble floor bathroom, looking for anything out of place. Just as suspected, there is blood on the counter in the shape of Louis' fingerprints. It has to be around here somewhere.

As I open the cabinets, I see it. Finally. An X-Acto knife. Of course Louis would bring art supplies on the trip. He loves to doodle and make crafts, much like I love to bake. These things are super sharp. I hope he didn't hurt himself too bad.

"Hazzy?" Louis is now standing behind me, rubbing his eyes. "What are you doing? I gotta pee."

"I'm sorry," I say as I hide the skinny knife behind my back.

"Why are you in my room?"

"I slept beside of you all night," I walk over to him and pull him in front of me, our favorite way to stand. "I know you hurt yourself. We don't have secrets, remember?" Except the fact that you're not heterosexual and forgot to let me know.

Louis put his head down. I can see in the mirror he is heavily frowning, feeling guilty.

"No, look at me," I say turning him around and bringing his chin up to lock our eyes. "Why didn't you come and tell me you were feeling...overwhelmed, anxious, scared? What?"

Louis sighs heavily, walking us over to his bed. "Because..." He takes my hands in his. "Because I didn't want to ruin this trip for you, but I am overwhelmed, anxious, and scared. All of the above because everyday I wake up, and want to die, Hazzy. Do you know what it's like?" He rhetorically ask but I shake my head no anyway.

Today, it appears I'm going to get wounded little bird Louis.

"It's okay, Lou. I'm not judging you. Can I see?" I tug at his boxers.

"Hey! How do you know that's where I did it?" He ask swatting my hand away.

"Detective Styles at your service," I tease. "But in all seriousness, let me see." I tug at his boxers again. Sighing, he barely pulls them down, just enough for me to assess the damage.

It still hasn't closed up yet. That concerns me. It's deeper than it looked last night in the darkness. "Lou, I think we need to get that glued."

"No way. Not gonna let a doctor around my dick!" He groans. "I'll be fine, Hazzy. Really! What's on our agenda today?"

Sighing, I let the topic go.

"First thing first, breakfast. What would you like?" I stand up and walk over to his closet, unveiling a black beret. "Just as I promised."

"No way!" Louis exclaims as he runs over to the mirror. "I look so French."

"Stereotypically so," I laugh. "What would you like?"

"Um..." Louis remove his baret, brushing his hair, and putting it back on. "How about bagels with cream cheese? Do they even have those here?"

This is about the only French I can pronounce is the food and that's because they drilled the names in my head during culinary school. "Then say bagels au fromage à la crème,"

"Um....bagels...for-m-a, oh fuck. You gotta order all my food!" Louis hums frustrated. "Do I look okay?"

He stands in front of me. He's wearing a red shirt that is compliment his tanned skin so nicely and grey skinny jeans with red vans. He's swinging his arms into a burberry jacket I let him borrow a year ago. I almost forget how to breathe. He doesn't' even understand how pretty he is.

"You look...." I gulp. What if I say the wrong thing and he finds me a creep? "Ready to conquer Paris."

"Thanks," Louis blushed. "Shouldn't you get ready too, Hazzy?"

"But of course," I wink at him. "Do you want to come with me?"

"What...to your room? No thanks!" Louis laughs. "You go and get ready and text me when you're done."

"No funny business!" I warn, though he doesn't know I took his means of self-harm away for now. When he finds out, we may get into an argument or he'll do the typical Louis fashion and pretend to not notice so he doesn't have to talk about it.

I walk across the suite into my own room. I guess since Louis is wearing red, I'll wear black to mourn my heartache. I really need to be like him and try the dating app thing. I guess I'll use the same app he does. He seems to find a date pretty fast, though most puke on his shoes.

Let's see. What shall it say? "Hey I'm Harry, 23. I own a bakery, so if you're into that, I can teach you how to whisk..."

God, I'm so lame. Okay, okay. "Hey, I'm Harry, 23. I am a pathetic loser who loves his best-friend so much it kills me."

Okay, I am horrible at this. Back to getting ready.

Since Louis is wearing red, I think I'll wear a navy sweater and a pair of straight legged jeans with some chelsea boots. That's always a safe choice. It's a little chilly here in Paris. I tilt my head back and spray my adam's apple with cologne. You gotta smell good, you know. Should I wear a beret, too? Definitely not. I do not want us to look like tourist.

Harry: Do I look okay?

Louis: Handsome. :) Now get your ass back over here so we can leave. I'm starving  
Harry: Meet me in the hallway in 5.

Okay, this is it. Our first actual experience in Paris. I am so excited that I rush out into the hallway, waiting on Louis.

"Ow!" He exclaims as he trips over the doorway.

"You okay, Lou?" I put my hand under his armpit and pull him up on his feet.

"Clumsy is all," He smiles at me. For a second, our eyes focus on each other. God, he has the most beautiful constellation of freckles I've ever seen. I inch closer to him. Stop Harry. Stop. You're going to ruin everything. Just stop. Don't kiss him. Don't you...

Wait, has Louis closed the gap? His lips...on mine...for an extended period of time...have I died and gone to Heaven? I reach my hand up to put it behind his head, but he pulls away with a loud pucker. "There! Should keep you from trying to find another Andreas while we're here, yeah?"

"Lou..." I sigh trying to not touch my lips that are quivering with an explosion of electricity. "I was actually going to ask your help on making me a dating profile. You only live once, right? We're in Paris, a city we'll never see anyone ever again...we should make the most out of it."

He crosses his arms defensively. "Uh-huh..." He says unconvinced, almost jealous like. You know you're too far gone for your best-friend when you imagine him being jealous of you making a dating profile. "Then we need a set of rules."

"Let's talk about this on our way to breakfast," I suggest as we head down the elevator. "What kind of rules?"

"Well," Louis shoves his hands deep in the pocket of his, err my, coat. "We should pre approved each-others dates, you know? And only go out with them if they agree to meet us first. Like your date has to meet me and my date has to meet you. We have to agree to put a curfew on things so the other doesn't worry."

"Lou," I fondly shake my head. "Deal." Because I can't argue with his logic. We're in a country where we don't know anyone, and if something happened, we'd never know where to look. "So you'll help me make my profile?"

"Of course, Hazzy! Now come on!" He interlaces our fingers, tugging me along to a nearby cafe. I almost squeal in excitement when we open the door. This has got to be one of the most exciting days of my life. I am in an actual Paris bakery surrounded by exquisite pastries.

I wish you could smell it.

"Breathe, love," Louis whispers in my ear, still clutching onto my hands.

We walk up to the counter and are greeted by an aesthetically pleasing man. He's kinda cute if I do say so myself.

"Bonjour. Que puis-je obtenir pour vous aujourd'hui?" (Hello, what can I get for you today?)

I nudge Louis who already knows what he wants.

"Bagel au fromage à la crème," I whisper in his ear. (Bagel with cream cheese)

"Can I get...a...bagel...fro...cream?"

"Oii," he gently giggles in Louis' direction, eyeing him up and down like he would devour him right over the bakery display. Needless to say, I don't find him attractive anymore.

"Et pour vous monsieur?" (and for you Mr.)

"oeufs et gaufres," (eggs and waffles) I bluntly state, letting go of my and Louis hands. I can't help but obsessively wrap my arms around his waist again, our favorite position. I hum softly in his ear, maintaining eye contact with the cashier, baker... whatever the hell he was.

I watch as he retreats in what I suppose is the kitchen but I continue to hold Louis because I am pathetic and utterly gone.

"How you feeling?"

"Honestly? Sensory overload...Hazzy, what's wrong with me?"

"You have depression, Lou. It isn't your fault." That seems to satisfy him a little because he's currently burying his face in my arm.

"You get me, Harry."

"You haven't called me that in a long time," I point out amused. Louis agrees, though he looks distracted, more than likely lost in his own thoughts. "Have you?" I demand an answer so the most obvious thing to do is tickle him right in this cafe.

"No, no!" Louis squeals. "Your name is Hazzy, not Harry. I give!"

The waiter (or whatever the fuck he is) comes back out with our food, calling our order number though we're the only ones in the cafe. I graciously (yeah right) thank him and take our trays. I notice on the receipt he has written "Appelle-moi parfois beau,###" (Call me sometime handsome) on Louis' receipt. Yeah, he won't be getting the memo.

Too bad this food is utterly delicious or I'd throw it in that waiters face. 

Louis, who is taking a bite of his bagel, is also looking at me for an extended period of time. I don't know what to make of it, but enjoy the view. He's smiling at me, yet, something behind those eyes concern me. I can't help but stare the newest stitches on his wrist, and wonder if I'll ever figure him out.

Even if I can't, at least he's the kind of person to just kinda sit and admire what he's like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story isn't exactly going in the direction I want it to but it's getting there. <3 Sorry it took so long to update. I went through a minor depression about the X-Factor. I just wanted an album and tour is all! :'(


	12. #12

“Okay, so this dating profile,” Louis, who is currently chowing down on a pastry, is sitting on my lap at a library near our Suite. “Tell me about yourself.”

I swivel my legs around, though the chair is not on wheels. “I don’t know, Lou. You know everything there is to know.”

He sticks his tongue out at me like he’s thinking. “But Hazzy, you can be whoever you want to be on this site. You’re going to get hits based on your looks alone, love.”

Blushing, I hide my face in his shoulder. “You don’t mean that.”

He lightly taps my thigh. “Of course I do! So, let’s see. You should start with the basics: name, age, hair color, etc. Then you can move on to what you’re looking for in a mate.”

I playfully bite his shoulder as he continues to swat me away. “Focus, Styles!” He giggles.

“I’m sorry. You’re just so delicious!”

Louis puts our faces cheek to cheek, kissing the side of my mouth. Surprised, I blink. He must notice, because he says, “That’s a kiss for good luck. There’s a lot of creepy people on the internet and I want your first internet date to be amazing.”

“Why thank you,” I say petting his hair. “Can I give you a kiss for good luck too?”

Louis pretends he didn’t hear me, and turns his head back to the computer screen. I wish I could tell him how I felt about him.Sometimes, it hurts to just breathe around him. I can feel the underside of his thighs rubbing up against me, and it’s making me so turned on. He has no idea the effect he has on me. If he did, he wouldn’t kiss me.

“Okay, how’s this? My name is Harry, 23. Tall, workout, milky skin. Big doey green eyes, beautiful curly locks. I am a baker for a living so if you don’t mind getting your hands dirty, I can show you a good time.

I’m seeking a man who doesn’t mind my tagalong best-friend.”

“Louis,” I giggle. “You can’t come with me during the entire date.”

“And why not?” He whines. “I thought we agreed to meet each-others blind dates.”

“We did,” I wrap my arms around his waist, and to my surprise, he’s leaning into me. His tailbone is sharp on my legs, but oh, does it feel good to have him on my lap. I can deal. “But that doesn’t mean the entire date. You can’t watch me get laid.

He looks up at me, his blue eyes piercing through my heart as he reveals pouty lips that are driving me crazy. “But, what if they hurt you?”

“That’s why you’re meeting them first, Lou.” I bop his nose.

He sits in silence, slightly shifting his weight around on my lap. It’s as if he’s thinking, though I’m not sure what about. He’s a hard person to read.

“You know what? Let’s ditch this dating profile,” Before I can even protest his suggestion, he closes the browser and stands up. “Tonight, we’re going to go and see what the club scene is like in this city! You and me can find our dates there.”

I put my finger on my lip thinking. “Hmm….well, that could work…” I guess I have no argument as to why not.

“But you have to promise to not leave my side the entire night. You know it makes me anxious!” He turns around and straddles me, resting his head on my neck.

Oh fuck. Louis and I are in a public library and he’s straddling me. Can he feel my hard-on through my jeans? I hope not. I’d never be able to face myself again. What has him so clingy anyway? Maybe it’s his new meds.

“But what do we do until then?” I ask removing his hands from my neck and playing with his fingers.

I suddenly notice that the library and a few people are staring at us. Oh….right….

“What do you want to do?”

“I say...we….” I put my hands under Louis’ legs and stand up. As if by instincts, he locks his ankles together as if he knows what I’m about to do. “Go exploring!” I shout as I take off running outside, twirling him around.

I am pretty sure the librarian was yelling profanities at us, but oh well. We’ll never see her again, right? 

“Ah!” Louis screams and giggles at the same time. “Put me down!”

“Never!” I tease as I spin him faster, until we’re both busy and fall on our asses. “Thanks for trying to help me with my profile.”

“I just want you to be happy, Hazzy.” He crawls on top of me, putting his hands on my chest, just sitting there.

God, how can he not feel my hard-on? He has to at this point! 

“....Louis, you’re….” I want to say you’re turning me on, but I can’t. “Hurting me. Get up you oaf!” 

“Fine, fine,” He giggles. “Hey look across the street! A wine tasting place! Can we do it, Hazzy? Can we?”

“Of course!” I rise to my feet, sliding Louis off of me. “Come on then.”I adjust his Burberry coat, well mine, making the buttons align down his chest and torso instead of be crooked. 

Louis intertwined our fingers together, swinging them two-and-fro as we make our way to our destination. “I always wanted to try expensive wine from Paris.”

“Really?” I cock an eyebrow.

“No,” he deadpans. “Never thought about it before, but now that we’re here…” 

I playfully shove him. “Me too.” 

We walk into the winery and both feel out of place. All of the other customers there are dressed in fancy attire and here we are in street clothes. Oh fucking well. We’re paying the same amount of money they are.

Louis pulls me along, reading all the labels on the various wines, well trying to. His Yorkshire accent is so thick, and that pair that with French, and it sounds like he’s speaking from a unknown tribe. “Let’s try this pink one!”

“Okay!” I agree excitedly as I pour us both samples. We look around the room and try and mimic the other customers. They are swirling the wine around in their glasses, smelling the aroma. A employee walks up to us asking if we need help (or at least that’s what I think she’s saying) but I decline. I think Louis and I will have more fun by ourselves.

“Château Peyrassol Rosé.” I read. “What do you think of it?

Suddenly, Louis is pulling out his most posh accent. “Well, Harold - the grape really pairs well with the citrus undertones. It has a hint of floral notes that invade the senses.Very delicate.”

I burst out laughing at his role-play. “What do you think, Harold?”

I try and match his accent. “This wine is for any occasions, but is so eloquent when you’re trying to tickle the fancy of a lovely contender. It’s perfect for a bedside rendezvous.” 

This time, it’s Louis time to laugh as he applauds my acting. I take a bow and we move onto the next bottle. We repeat this action until the employee kicks us out saying we’ve had our limit for the evening. Well I never. It cost enough.

“What do you want to do now?” Louis asked pulling me out of the library.

What you probably don’t know about me is I am a lightweight, whereas, Louis is used to consuming alcohol. I used to in university, but I haven’t been in that scene in about a year. My tolerance has incredibly lowered. Therefore, I’m feeling a bit tipsy.

I trap him between the winery shop and my body, using my arms as a cage. I rest our foreheads together, staring down at his lips. He responds by putting his hands on my waist, just going with it.

“The wine is still on my tongue,” I say, almost slurring my words but catching myself.

Louis bites his bottom lip and looks up at me. I can see now that he notices mine are staring at his lips. He begins to breathe heavy. I can feel his breath on my lips. 

I want to close the gap, but even in my tipsy state, understand the consequences. 

“Come on, Hazzy. Off to our next adventure!” He crouches down and escapes my cage, pulling my arm, and intertwined our fingers as we skip down the street. 

 

Everything feels warms to me, and lighter. Being tipsy feels like my body is vibrating almost. Louis voice sounds louder in my ears, and even more lovely than before. If it’s even possible, he’s more pretty too, though I’m sure I’m mistaken that part. He’s always so pretty.

“What is the next adventure?” I ask curiously, stopping him in the middle of the street.

Louis smiles fondly at me, and I smile back. “I say we check out the shops some more before we go to the club. It’s all in the same vicinity.” 

“Did I ever tell you how pretty you are?” I slur.

“All the time,” Louis beams. “I want to buy you a new scarf. The one you tied me up with is tattered.”

Oh, the memory of tying him up so he didn’t self-harm anymore. Does he not know what he’s doing to me reminding me of that? 

“You don’t have to buy me a scarf,” I poke him for no reason at all. I can’t help but touch him right now. The buzzed feeling is making me dumb - I know it is, but I can’t stop.

“Shh! Let me do something nice for you for once, please Hazzy!” Louis pouts, standing on his tiptoes to kiss me on the cheek. I close my eyes for a second, trying to not do something to ruin our friendship.

“Okay,” I agree.

“Yay!” He shouts in victory putting his fist in the air. “Come on!” 

We are stopping at a little place called Hermes. Louis insist on buying me a cashmere scarf. I have to admit, my neck is quite cold, but I don’t need a cashmere sweater. A wool one will do, but I’m going to let him have this one request….who am I kidding? I let him have them all.

We enter the shop hand in hand. Louis’ eyes draw toward the headscarves. “Louis, what are you doing?” 

“Getting you a scarf,” He replies matter-of-a-factly. “Now, come here, love.” He begins to tie a blue scarf around my head, but quickly gives up when he realizes he doesn’t know how.

The boutique owner comes over and speaks French to us. By using a translating app, we share a conversation about how Louis insist on getting me a scarf, and apparently for my head instead of my neck. He smiles at the pair of us and proceeds to tie the scarf around my hair. 

Before I can even look in the mirror, Louis gasp. “Harry, that is made for you! You look so so sexy in that!” 

“I do?” I question, a look of surprise on my face. “I wanna see!” I excitedly walk over to the mirror to see what all the fuss is about.

I have no idea what he’s talking about. I look the same...except, I have a scarf on my head - but I’ll go with it. “Wow, that does make a difference.”

“I know. We don’t even need to look anymore. Let’s get that one!” He squeals as he pushes me toward the checkout line.

$250 euros for a scarf. Kill me now. 

The tipsy feeling is wearing off as quick as it came. “You ready to go to the club?” 

“Yes!” Louis exclaims excitedly. “I wanna go to one of those underground ones. Can we Hazzy, PLEASE?”

Oh boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO....next few chapters.....remember all the sexiness, tissues, and popcorn I promised? *Wink*


	13. #13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> had a few, got drunk on you and now I’m wasted  
> And when I sleep I’m gonna dream of how you tasted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What happens when two best friends get incredibly drunk at a underground nightclub? Well, a lot of things that make no sense.

You’ll probably never appreciate the amount of research I had to do to find an Underground Club, but here we are. To make matters even more enticing, Louis found a bottle of absinthe. Yes, I mean real absinthe - not the watered down version you find in the store these days, but the real green high proof alcoholic beverage.

We’re already about three shots in each. There is a warm feeling racing through my veins, though it’s hard to tell if that is because he’s holding my hand, or the alcohol. All the colors seem more vibrant than usual, the music more loud. Louis’ voice is ringing in my ears, sounding like a hundred angels singing a chorus. 

“Haz!” 

“Oh, sorry,” I am currently blushing. I know he was talking to me, but I was too lost in my thoughts to really listen. “What?”

Louis stills in front of me, pulling me into a tight embrace. He tugs at my hair, wanting me to my ear down. “We need rules for tonight!”

“What kind of rules?” I ask uncapping the lid to the absinthe.

He leans closer to my ear. I can feel his breath making the tiny hairs surrounding my eardrum vibrate. Wow. I can feel that all over my body. Oh fuck. “If we find someone interesting, we can’t just leave with them. We have to have a plan to keep in touch or something.”

“Look at you being all responsible,” I press my mouth up to his ear, mimicking what he’s doing. It’s almost as if he’s holding his breath now because I can no longer feel the electricity on mine.

“You just don’t handle your liquor well is all, love,” He says shaking his head, like he’s shaking himself out a trance. 

I disagree with him, scold him even. “That’s you!” I yell over the music, ruffling his hair.

“No, love. That’s you, I promise.” He pulls my ear back down, still yelling, still breathing, still unintentionally turning me on. How the fuck am I supposed to get through this night? “I’m serious, Harry. They must be preapproved, no going with them alone. We either both find someone or neither.”

“Okay, okay,” I surrender throwing my hands in the air. 

“And nobody is allowed to touch your scarf!” Louis adds. I can’t help but smile at him and his territorial ways. He pulls away from my ear, to only look at me in the eyes for a moment, staring at my lips. “To keep the assholes away, Hazzy.” He cups my face between his hands. 

I know that he’s about to kiss me, but I’m worried that I’m too drunk to not kiss him back. My body is leaning in to him. My hands are on his hips in an attempt to remain still, but the alcohol has the room feeling like it’s virtual reality and not real. 

His lips are soft on my own, as they always are. They taste like alcohol and cherries, probably due to the fruit he was fishing at the bottom of the martini glass he took from a waiter. I see nothing but stars around me. 

“That should do it,” He pulls away.

“Wait!” I call as I grab the back of his shirt, making one leg lift up in the air as he tries to balance himself in front of me. “Your turn.” 

The alcohol is making me brave, no doubt. I pull him closer to me, and place my hand under his chin. I coach him to look at me in the eyes. His are a little glazed over, pinpoint pupils, making the blue more astounding. 

I no longer have control over my thoughts, my feelings, my actions. I just hope I can keep my composure enough to not ruin our friendship. Anyway, you can see where this is going. 

I glide the pad of my thumb over his lips before dragging his bottom lip down playfully. He smiles at me, though he looks confused as well. I lean forward without any hesitation, placing my lips on his. This feels more amazing than anytime he’s ever kissed me. I feel proud of myself that I’ve finally done it. I feel like I am not pathetic. I feel totally wasted, and not just on the alcohol. 

“Hazzy...” Louis pulls away. “What’re you doing?”

“Keeping meanies away from you, remember?” I slur my words. Louis shoves me, then giggles. That was the best kiss of my life, even though it wasn’t even passionate, just standing there with our lips pressed together makes me feel like I can fly. 

Without even thinking, I grab his face again, kissing him gently. We linger for a few seconds before he pushes me away again. “Okay, you’re drunk, Haz.” 

On you. “Sorry,” I blush. “I guess I’m going to find a proper date to snog.”

“Wait!” Louis runs after me. He kisses me one more time before fading into the crowd. 

Neon lights are flashing everywhere, hues of pink, yellow, green, and blue are cascading across the dancefloor and the area that leads up to the VIP lounge. The diversity is unremarkable. There are some dressed in costumes, like a lion or a kitten. Some people are dressed in rave clothes, crop tops and liquid latex. Some men are shirtless drenched in glitter while others look like they just got off work in business attire.  
I don’t know what to do really but stand here awkwardly with the bottle of absinthe. I keep taking shots, though I should probably leave some for Louis. I can’t help it though. I’ve been unnerved lately always worried about him. Then, he tells me that if he can’t find his happiness in Paris, he is going to kill himself and there’s nothing I can do about it. That’s a lot of pressure on one person, you know?

And now I’m crying. FUCK! I don’t want to be an emotional drunk. Okay Harry, pull yourself together. It’s going to be okay. Oh no. I stand helplessly, biting my bottom lip to keep it from quivering, and take more shots. I’m beyond pathetic.

“Bonjour!” A woman is currently grabbing my arm. “Vous avez l'air solitaire. Vouloir Dancer?” 

I wipe my tears on my sleeve, trying to put on a fake smile. “I’m sorry, I speak English!” I shout over the music, though I’m sure my voice is shaky.

“Oh, I speak English too!” She exclaims. Well fuck. I was hoping that would scare her away. “I asked if you’d like to dance with me?”

I nod. She’s attractive, and she seems to know it. She’s wearing a little black dress that is so short, I don’t see how she isn’t exposing her lingerie underneath. Around her waist is a glow stick, and she’s wearing stilettos so high, I don’t see how she isn’t toppling over. 

She waste no time trying to grind on me, her backside drilling into my groin. After a few minutes, though, she stops dancing, and looks back at me. “You’re gay, aren’t you?” She asked disappointed.

“What gave it away?” I laugh.

“You haven’t even attempted to touch me!” She says surprised. “But you’re in luck! Let me introduce you to my friend Leon,” She drags me up to the VIP lounge and begins to speak French. I have no idea what she’s saying, but it doesn’t matter anyway. “Léon, je t'ai trouvé tout à fait l'homme. il est un peu sensible mais je peux dire qu'il sera un bon amant. il est aussi beau, n'est-ce pas?” (leon, i found you quite the man. he is a little sensitive but i can tell he'll be a nice lover. he's so handsome too, isn't he? )

“Je ne pense pas qu'il soit mon type, Magnolia. Je peux dire que son cœur appartient à un autre.” 

I stand awkwardly, absinthe in my hand. He’s handsome, I’ll give him that. He’s wearing a black button up blouse, tucked neatly in some black slacks. His hair is slicked back, not a piece out of place. He’s wearing a large gold ring on his pinky. 

“Come here,” He motions me forward. “What’s your name?”

“Harry,” I say shyly.

“Harry, I like it. Would you like to dance?” He stands up and extends his hand. He’s taller than me, and well built. I nod. He walks us down the stairs, though I’m stumbling a little.

“Why is someone so pretty with tears tonight?” He ask ashe places his hands on my shoulder. 

“Oh….” I can feel my cheeks grow hot. “Nothing particular. It’s the absinthe.”

“Ah yes, that can make one, how do you say...emotional? But it’s a natural aphrodisiac, too. Makes sex...um...incroyable...amazing, you’d say.” He says as he takes my hips in his hands, causing me to stagger in his grip. “Do you have a friend for Magnolia?”

I retrieve my phone and send Louis a text, asking for his company. The music is playing some upbeat EDM song that I don’t recognize. There are no words to it, just a repetitive beat. Every song that comes on is suddenly my favorite. I’m dancing with a gorgeous man in a beautiful city. It’s time I let loose and stop worrying so much all the time. Besides, I’ll never see these people ever again.

My hips begin to grind into Leon’s. It makes me feel confident and fuzzy inside knowing I have an effect on them. The evidence is clear, I can feel is poking at me.

“Tu veux rentrer avec moi?”

I nod eagerly, no idea what he’s saying.

“Je vais bien prendre soin de vous.” (I will take good care of you). 

Leon is tugging my wrist toward the door. I feel intoxicated on his scent, a combination of old cigars and aftershave. Then again, as I said, everything is heightened. I can’t even think straight.

“What the fuck? Harry!” I hear a squeaky voice behind me, tugging on my waist.

“Oh mon Dieu. Il est si joli. Tu veux jouer avec lui aussi. Un petit minet parfait fait pour moi. Si petite et ravissante.” (Oh my gosh. He's so pretty. Wanna play with me also. A perfect little twink made just for me. So petite and ravishing.)

“You’re breaking the rules!” Louis yells. “Obviously, you’re too drunk. Come on, let’s get you home.” 

I put my head on his shoulder. “You make me happy!” I begin to pet his hair. 

Louis terrioritorily begins to pull me closer to him, locking eyes with Leon. “Sorry, but he’s mine.”

“Je suis déçu. Je pensais que j'allais obtenir un accord de deux pour un ce soir. Je suppose que Magnolia devra faire ... encore une fois.” (I'm disappointed. Thought I was going to get a two for one deal tonight. I guess Magnolia will have to do....again. ) 

In the uber, Louis glares at me. I keep poking at his dimples, rubbing my hand all over his thigh. I can’t help it. The absinthe has me in another dimension. What are restraints? What are morals? I know none in this moment.

“You’re so pretty, Louis.”

“Harry, that guy was sleazy. Your taste in men baffles me. You’re too good for him.” I pick up his hand, putting it between my thighs. He grips my inner thigh without protesting. “You’re frisky tonight, love.”

“Then why don’t you play with me?” I clumsily freefall, putting my back in his lip and prop my feet up on the window. The driver is giving me the stink eye through the rearview mirror.

Louis is shaking his head, as if he’s trying to compress a laugh.  
“Want to know a secret?” I tease. “I saw your dating profile….”

“And?” He ask confused, trying to tickle me. I thrash around, gripping onto his hands, encouraging him to stop. 

“And you’ve never told me you were bi,” I squeak out. Louis stills his hands, suddenly looking serious. I’m too drunk to motion the social cues that he may be upset.

“Harry…..” Louis is grabbing at my hands. “You already knew that, love.”

I pout. “No.” 

“Let me explain. I’m not opposed to being with them. I just never have, but I think I like them because I fell in love with one.” Louis looks down at me, kissing my cheek. “Do we have anymore absinthe?”

“Not much!” I brag. “Oh, look we’re here!” I exclaim as I jump out of his lap. The Uber driver sends us dirty looks, but I just pull Louis to the elevator. I’ll just remember not to give the driver a tip and a bad rating on the app. “We’re here!” 

“I need a drink,” Louis sighs. “Excuse me!” He takes the bottle and retreats to his bedroom.

God, I don’t understand what is going on. Louis wanted to go out, drink, have a good time, and find someone to have a nice night with. That opportunity comes for the both of us and he thinks the man isn’t good enough. Instead of letting me find someone else, he takes me home. I don’t get his logic and it’s driving me crazy.

Where is he, anyway? He’s been gone for what seems like hours. I can’t tell time when I’m drunk.

I gently tap on his door. “Lou, can I come in?” No answer. “Please!” No answer. Well that settles that. I’ll just invite myself in. “Where are you?”

My heart starts beating in my chest when I see Louis with his back up against the cabinets that are connected to the bathroom vanity. His jeans and boxers are pulled down to his knees, thighs exposed. There’s blood dripping down his right leg, staining the white marble floor.

“No!” I yelp. “Louis, why?”

He starts giggling. “Don’t worry, Hazzy. Feels good!” He hiccups. “Try it!”

“No!” I protest. “Stop that!” 

Louis picks up his X-acto knife from the floor and places it deep into his thigh. It looks like he is about to drag it across his skin once more. I take a leap, grabbing it from his hands, pinning his wrist down on the marble. “I hid that from you.”

“Oh please. I have plenty,” Louis roll his eyes. “You’re drunk, Hazzy.”

“So are you,” I scold him. “No more tonight, right?”

“It’s fun, Harry. Feels good. What are you going to do….use that pretty little scarf of yours and tie me up again?” He bats his eyelashes at me.

“That’s exactly what I’m going to do!” I growl as I pick him up. He’s swinging his feet two and fro. Sure, there’s blood on my arm now but I don’t care. I not so gently throw Louis onto his mattress. He looks at me and bites his lips, almost as if he’s anticipating what I’m going to do next.

I grab the bottle of absinthe and pour a little into the lid then pour it directly over his cut. “OH FUCK!” He yells out.

“Feels good,” I mock innocently.

“It does,” He agrees. “Hurts so good.” 

Annoyed, I sit on his legs and make his wrist overlap into a ‘x’ shape before removing the headscarf from my scalp. I am binding his wrist to the bed, then the iron headboard.

“I don’t know why you hate me doing that, Harry. We’re in Paris, and you said you want me to be happy,” Louis argues, slurring his words.

“I do!” I say frustrated. “Why does that entail hurting yourself?”

I crawl up a little bit on his thighs, bending down and blowing hot air on his open cut. I can feel fleshy goosebumps appear all over his skin. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“No, I mean it. It felt good,” Louis disagrees. I continue to blow on his wound in an attempt to soothe the stinging. When I raise back up, Louis has his eyes closed, mouth parted. He looks a little embarrassed.

“What’s wrong?” I ask concerned.

Louis is allowing his eyes to navigate down, staring at his erection. “This is the first time I’ve been hard in months…..”

I smirk at him. “Are you saying I did that?”

“I’m saying you’re doing that, Harry….the pain is doing that. Fuck. I’m so turned on! Untie me so I can go back to the club!”

I grind down on his hips. When it comes to drinking, Louis is utterly right that I don’t know how to handle my alcohol. I feel like I am so far gone, it isn’t feel. My ability to think has diminished, and I think tonight, I’m going to ruin a friendship. Sometimes though, it’s best to just go for it.

“Or, you can use me.” 

“What?” He gets wide eyed. 

“Use me,” I rub my body against his, feeling his breath hitch. A few seconds later, he’s gasping for air. “We won’t even remember it in the morning, and if we do, it’s okay. I won’t let it ruin our friendship.”

Louis looks like he’s honestly considering it. He pulls on his restraints, whining. “God, I’m so so so so hard...Harry, please untie me.”

“Promise not to hurt yourself anymore tonight?” I look him in the eye.

“Yeah, yeah, now please!” He begs.

“Okay,” I gyrate my hips in a vertical motion on my groin, unable to stop myself. Imaginary music is playing in my head. He’s so sexy the way he’s tied up on the bed, his jeans hanging half off his body. The smell of alcohol hitting me in the face. His blue eyes couldn’t look anymore stunning under the expensive lights either. “Better?” I question after I untie the last knot.

Louis suddenly pounces on me, my back now in the mattress. He sits on top of my groin, bending down and staring at my lips. “You think it’s funny to tie me up, don’t you?”

“Maybe,” I say innocently.

“It’s anything but funny, Harry. You don’t know what it does to me,” He grabs my hand and puts it on his hard-on. “You do that to me.”  
“Lou,” I sigh, closing my eyes tight. He’s still rocking his hips back and forth on mine. I’m too drunk and stupid to last long. “You need to get off before I come and make things awkward.”

“Do you deserve to come, Harry?” He arches his back like a cat, ligthly tugging at my hair. 

“Louis.”

“Don’t Louis me,” He insist. “Answer me, Hazzy. Answer me or…..” He reaches for my ear, nibbling on it before clamping out. I cry out in pain. 

“I’ve been good. I want to come, Louis, please!”

“I don’t think it’s very good of you to come in your jeans, Hazzy. No, no. We must take these off, hmm? Lift up!” He demands. I plant my feet firm into the mattress, raising my hips up so he can unzip my jeans and pull them off of me. When he finishes, he slides his off his calves and sits back on me. Our clothed shafts are rutting against one another. 

I’m trying to be good and contain my noises, but I can’t. I’m inebriated, stupidly so. “Hey Lou….” I suddenly blurt out shyly. “Do you think...I could have a kiss?”

I put my hands on both of his thighs, almost tempted to put him on his back instead of it being me, but I don’t. I let him have this small win tonight. My tip is leaking so much precome that I’m sure he’s grossed out, though he can’t see it. It’s creating a wet stain on my undergarments. 

He bends down, nibbling on my ear again, ignoring my question. I put my palm on the back of his head and run my fingers through his hair, feeling his movements slow down. Before long, they halted. 

“Lou?” I shake him, but it isn’t long before I realize he’s passed out. 

That’s when reality hits me right in the face: I just messed around with my best-friend...and in the morning, we’ll never be able to face each other again. I can’t worry about that tonight, though. I’m still so turned on. What can I do? 

I guess the only logical thing to do is roll Louis off of me and take care of it. So I pull my boxers off and masturbate right on the bed, next to my sleeping best-friend.

Best and worst night of my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for such the positive response. I love the Ao3 community. Wish I would've switched over al long time ago. <3


	14. #14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good dreams, bad dreams.

"NO!" I scream as I jolt up. "NO!"

My entire body is shaking. Sweat is dripping from my brow. I don't want to cry because my head is pounding, but I can't help it. I just can't help it.

"NO!"

I am dry heaving, my stomach feels like it's in knots. I can't breathe. It's hard to move. I've never felt so scared in my entire life. I have to get out of here. I have no other options. Yet, before I can swing my feet over the side of the bed, I feel arms dragging me.

"Shh, Haz."

"Louis, oh my god!" I sob in the side of his arm. "Oh my god."

"It's okay, Harry. It's just a bad dream, love. Calm down."

"You....you jumped from the Eiffel Tower. I tried to save you, I really did. I failed." I wail out. My hair is sticking to my forehead, my eyes are puffy. My mouth feels like a sahara desert. Not to mention, this terrible migraine I have from drinking. I don't even remember falling asleep. I must've passed out after I jerked off. I'm still naked and come is dried on my hand. "You can't leave me, Louis. Please."

He weakly strokes my face with his fingers, though he can hardly reach me because my upper body is on the bend of his arm. "No, no. Never leave you. I'll never leave you."

"Louis, it hurts. My heart hurts so much."

"I know. I know. I'm sorry I'm a fuck up. I promise though, Harry. We're going to make the most out of the cruise, the Ed Sheeran concert. You're going to have such a good time at the culinary art class and not even worry about me. I'm going to do better, I promise." I hear Louis' words of comfort but it isn't doing much for me at the moment.

It's only been three hours since we passed out, and I myself still feel very intoxicated. "You're going to hate me in the morning, I know it."

"Never," Louis cooed. "Why do you think that?"

"Because all I do all day is imagine what it would be like to kiss you." 

Wait, what? Why did I say that? Fuck my life.

"I kiss you all the time, love," Louis' hands navigate to my bottom lip, caressing it gently.

"No, Lou. You don't get it," I shake my head. "I mean kiss you, really kiss you." The alcohol is turning me into a blubbering mess.

"Alright then, you won't have to imagine anymore." Louis encourages me to roll off of him so he can get up, He crawls on top of me, intertwining our fingers and pushing my hands deep in the mattress. His thighs are on either side of mine, making the bed give in a little as he distributes his weight down. "Close your eyes, love."

I do as instructed, swallowing deep in my throat. "Shh." He caressed my cheek, letting me cry a few more minutes. "I'm a selfish bastard and all I've done is break you. You deserve to kiss someone way better than me."

I want to protest, but he doesn't give me the opportunity. Instead, he grazes his tongue across my lips, waiting patiently for me to open up and kiss him back, and I do. I pull him closer to me with my ankle, engulfing his body with my long leg like a python squeezing like a branch.

"Good?" Louis hums in my mouth, and I whimper 'mmmhmm' in return.

I can taste alcohol on both of our palettes, but it's sweet, not bitter. The kiss is enough to make my toes curl, my body shake. "Lou." I sigh. He's gently tugging on my hair, deepening the kiss.

"Your lips are soft like pillows, Harry. May I?" He's kissing down my neck, sucking softly on the sensitive skin of my adam's apple. I am panting now, each breath feeling heavy in my chest. He's licking my collarbone, how am I going to survive this?

"I've always loved this tattoo, Harry." He's rubbing his hands all over my butterfly tattoo. You've never seen it, I know, but it expands from one rib to the other, almost taking up my entire middle abdomen. "And these laurel leaves. I love the way they are position just above. You're such a tease, aren't you?"

"Uh-huh," I let my mouth fall open. "Such a tease."

"I love that look you get in your eyes when you tie me up because I've been a bad boy. So lustful for me, Hazzy, aren't you? Look, your legs are practically falling open for me."

"I Don't want to ruin our friendship, Lou."

"Oh come on now. We're two consenting adults getting our needs met, love. We won't even remember this in the morning." He promises sincerely. "I've always found you so hot, Harry. I hate the way every man and woman known to man looks at you, like they want you to sit on their face. You deserve better than that." I can feel his breath tickling my navel. "You deserve to be spoiled, pampered, but punished for being such a little greedy boy."

"Fuck Louis," I close my eyes tight, trying to lay still and let him explore my body, but it's hard. The desire to pounce on him is becoming too great. This alcohol sure is making us both weird, isn't it? I am living for it right now.

"I wanna touch you too," I whine.

"It's time for bed love," Louis hops off of me and kisses me on the cheek. "Tomorrow, we'll set some rules." He suddenly, grabs my face, engulfing me in the sweetest kiss my life. "I'll be back."

I adjust my erection that is laying lazily on my stomach, covering my body back up. The places that Louis explored with his tongue are cold when the air blowing down from the vent hit it just right. Shivering, I wait for him to warm me back up.

But wait.

No.

No.

"Lous!" I leap out of bed, trying to pry the X-acto knife from his grasp but before I can reach him, his arm is dripping blood in the place that Doctor Horan just stitched up weeks prior.

"I'm sorry Harry but I can't keep my promise." His lips are turning blue as he falls on his knees. I rush over to him, not it's too late. He's already gone.

"NO!" I jump up. I can feel my body shaking like a leaf being kissed by a breeze. "You can't leave me!"

"Shh, Haz."

"Louis!" My eyes gaze at my surroundings. I'm in my own bed in the Suite. Louis is cuddling beside of me. I grab his wrist and turn both of them over. They're both unharmed. "Please Lou, please. Don't ever hurt yourself again."

"Shh. Love. Don't be so loud. Hangover. What are you going on about?" He rubs my face.

"You...tried to jump from the Eiffel tower, and then you promised you wouldn't. Then you kissed me...and then we did this weird...um, intimate fondling....and then, you slit your wrist open."

"No, love. You must've been dreaming." Louis promises.

I sigh, tilting my head to the side away from him. "So...it was all a dream? Even the part where I woke up from a dream?"

"Yes, love, apparently. We went clubbing, then came here and passed out." Louis giggles. "Are you confessing to having wet dreams about me, Hazzy?"

I can feel my face blush crimson. My body is still shaking, my eyes want to do nothing but the tears flow out of them. I nod, embarrassed. Embarrassed about this whole thing. I had a false awakening, and now I can't face Louis anymore.

"I still feel so drunk," He groans as he checks his phone. "It's only 3 am, love. How about we go back to sleep? Come here and I'll cuddle you. I need to take care of you more often."

It's quiet now. There's no sound to be heard except random sirens outside. Louis has already fallen back asleep. I can tell by the way his hand went limp on top of mine. I am not sure what kind of mess I've gotten myself into, but even if this was a dream, we definitely kissed when we got back from the club....really kissed.

I'll have to act like nothing happened tomorrow. I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can keep pretending I don't love him. He has Major Depression. I've seen his entire existence fade into nothing but mudvayne apathy. I've seen his smile become dull and the twinkle in his eyes dim.

Then there's me. I have an illness too. It's called caring too much, and I'm not sure how much longer I can take it before my heart explodes. I've thought about it, using the X-acto knife. Why does it work so well for him? I'd really like to try it. I can't imagine it would hurt any less than all my tattoos. I don't know what my coping skills are. It's been so long since I've focused on myself. I've neglected my own sanity, and now I don't have any.

How can I get through this trip unscathed? Damnit! I'm so hungover, and I can't sleep. It's the worse feeling in the world. I'm trying to not cry anymore. I don't want to wake Louis up anymore. He may turn into grumpy kitten Louis or even wounded bird. He's unpredictable.

I guess I can grab my phone and update my dating profile so I can try and move on from him. Things are going to be weird enough tomorrow after what happened between us. & now he knows I have wet dreams about him. Fuck! Everything is so messed up and it'll never get better.

I just need to be with someone, take my mind off of Louis. Maybe I shouldn't be so sweet about it.

"Hello. Harry, 23, emerald eyes, proper fit. Versatile - like to top and bottom, according to my mood. Don't mind bondage, being choked, or hair pulling. Interested in men. I'll only be here in France for another week so we'd have to arrange things quick. I'm a culinary artist for a living so maybe I can bake you some cookies afterwards if you behave. Know some french, but not much.

Things that turn me on: tattoos. Blue eyes. Piercings. Cologne.

Pet peeves: Liars. Cheaters. Being rough without permission. Non consent."

There, that should bring them in. I need to change my profile picture too.  


Done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Thanks so much for the kudos. I struggle in the confidence department, so this means a lot to me :) *HUGS*


	15. #15

"Please, just put me out of my misery!" Louis, who is dry heaving, hunched over the toilet due to the expected hangover, is wallowing in self-pity.

I'm amused. I put my foot on the door frame, trying to hide my own hang over pain. "Have a crazy night out?"

"Harry...please! You know we went to the club and drank a whole bottle of absinthe," He lets out a whine and finally stands up, brushing his teeth immediately. He stands in front of me for a second before pointing to his head.. "Hurts."

"I'm sorry," I say as I rub his temples. "Here?" I ask as he nods yes. "While I'm gone to the Culinary Arts convention, you need to take it easy, Lou."

He takes my hand and guides me over to his bed. I can tell that I'm dealing with 'baby me' Louis. I know because he's stretching out, putting his head in my lap, coaching me to pet his hair and neck.

"Harry, can I ask you something?," He has a weary tone.

"Anything," Suddenly, my anxiety has climbed from a 2-6 really quick I pull more of his body on my lap, trying to take his mind off his his headache.

"Last night," He swallows.

"Yeah?" I urge him to continue. This is it. This is where he tells me we've cross boundaries we'll never recover from and this friendship is over.

He starts drawing circles on my thigh with his index finger. "When you and me were....um...you know...kinda grinding on each other?"

"Yeah?" Could this be anymore awkward?

"That was the first time in so long that I was actually functioning," He pauses before whispering "Down there" like there's someone else in the room. He stops drawing circles on my thighs and sits up.

"Oh..." I hesitate, trying to find my words, but they're stuck in my throat.

Louis crosses his legs, sitting Indian Style on the bed. "I just...I just want to say thank you for not pushing me away, and letting me enjoy a little bit of normalcy."

"You're welcome," I reply quickly. That's not exactly what I want to say. I'm not sure what I want to say.

"I think I'm cured now, right? I want to try and go on a date tonight." He looks like he's lost in deep thought for a few moments.

"About that," I bite my bottom lip excitedly. "I updated my profile and wanted your opinion." There is no way I can talk about him going out with right now.

I am reaching for my phone that's on the table. It's easier said than done considering I have a 5'9 baby on my lap who is not offering to budge at all. I guess I can use my legs to slide it to the edge of the table. Okay, yes, that worked.

"Being choked? Hair pulling? Harry!" Louis says surprised. "You can't just put that on your profile for the world to see. What if you attract the wrong person, someone who would not respect you and take it too far?" He scolds me. I try and reply, but he is not finished. "And that picture...Harry, you're trying to attract someone who is just going to use you and have no respect for you at all!"

Sighing, I try to reply to this delicately because I know Louis is a sensitive soul who takes thing the wrong way all the time. "You're not the only one with needs, Louis. I want to be with someone too. It's just for one night, and I'll keep the rules. You can meet him."

He doesn't reply right away. In fact, he starts popping his knuckles and sort of swaying. His face has deepened in color, his lips tight. With a deepened, frustrated tone, he finally replies his opinion. "I don't know, Haz. That's really risky. I think if you want to do the choking and hair pulling, it has to be with someone you trust."

"Like Andreas," I look away and smirk. I know that is getting under his skin.

Louis looks like he is going to vomit when he utters, "Sadly...yes."

"I don't see the problem, you have a profile too!" I whine, finding his profile and reading it. "You said and I quote 'I can show you a good time if alcohol is involved.' Doesn't that sound dangerous, too?"

He nods, biting on his thumb nail. He untangles his legs and sits on my lap, straddling me. I try and adjust myself. I hate that he makes me like this - just by the slightest caress. "I volunteer as tribute."

"What?" I bark, slightly giggling. "You still drunk?" I put my hand on his forehead like I'm checking his temperature.

"I volunteer to be an experiment for your kinks, but we have to make rules." He rubs his hands down my torso.

Wow. Holy fuck. I must still be dreaming.

"I...." I'm trying to not sutter. "You...I...I don't even understand your sexuality, Lou. We've never discussed it before," I say sternly. "Don't feel pressured into being with me just to try and spare me from meanies."

He looks toward the window, fixated on an object on the wall or something. He fishmouths a few times, trying to find the words to say. "Okay...let's talk about it. What do you want to know?"

"Who are you attracted to? I thought you were straight." There. I said it.

"I don't know," His face softens. "I've never explored it and just accepted straight as the default, but I'm ready now - to figure it out. I'm attracted to one guy. He's the most beautiful person I've ever seen. Does that make me gay?"

I sigh. "I don't know, Lou. I don't want you to experiment if you're not ready."

"But I am ready, Haz! We just need to make rules. I've been thinking about it. I think we should at least give it until we go back home. I trust you, and you trust me, right?" He looks. Of course, I say 'yes' as he continues. "I feel so fucking empty most of the time, Harry. I just want to feel something on our trip."

"Okay, Lou," I give in. "We can make rules." I put my hands under his thighs, picking him up gently, and putting him back down. "I'm sorry depression has taken your soul away." I glance over my shoulder, seeing the alarm clock sitting on the table. "Oh shit! I have to get ready for my convention!"

I try to get up but Louis pushes me back down on the bed. "I just want to feel something, Haz." His mood turns somber.

I'm afraid to go to the convention and leave him now. This is not the time for him to be alone. "Hey, I need a sous chef today," I still his hands that are roaming all over my stomach. "Would you do me the honors?'

"But I don't have a chef hat!" He whines.

"Don't need one, love. Wear your beret," I promise. "And if you really want to look the part, you can wear mine."

I see the glint in Louis' eyes, and if anything, it assures me there is happiness locked within him. I know that depression is a disease, an organic matter of the brain. Yet, some of it is environmental and personality too. If only I could figure out what is making that twinke appear, I'd do it the rest of my life.

He gets up off of me before bending down and kissing my cheek. He rushes to his bathroom, promising to be ready so I'm late for the convention. I blelieve him. It's me that takes forever, and speaking of, I haven't even gotten dressed yet. I'm going to wear my red chef outfit. It has a black shirt underneath. It's I brought a white one, but eh, too plain for my taste.

Fifteen minutes later, Louis knocked on my bathroom door telling me that he'd be waiting on me. I told you that he'd get ready before me. I'm almost done though, just brushing my teeth and trying to ligthen these dark circles with a little concealer. That should do the trick.

"Okay, ready!" I call out. I watch as Louis stands up, glancing me over. "How do I look?"

"All eyes will be on you, Hazzy!' Louis whistles. "Very stunning. How about me?"

Louis is dressed in a in a black and white striped v-neck, paired with soft jeans. "I love it, Lou. You ready?"

We decide to take a bus to the convention. Louis is typing on his phone, and I'm trying to not be nosey. I'm scared in a lot of ways, need to breathe. What if I look like a fool? What if my chef skills are so bad, they kick me out? What if this plan Louis' has backfires and he realizes I'm in love with him? What if our friendship is ruined? All the possibilities. This is a lot, you know?

Then, there's the way he's scooting closer to me, trying to nuzzle under my arm. Of course I give him the luxury. I'd never deny him. I just don't know how to help him with his depression. It's not as easy as Dr. Horan said; take him on a trip. This trip is making things worse in my opinion.

"We're here!" I exclaim as the bus pulls in front of the convention. In itself, it's a majestic place. High ceilings, chandeliers, the whole place decorated in gold and chrome fixtures. I am intimidated if I do say so myself. The program says there will be a interpreter, which is good because my French is not all that amazing.

"Bienvenue à l'Institut annuel des arts culinaires de Paris, qui a lieu chaque année. Aujourd'hui, nous aurons des cours de chefs de renommée mondiale tels que Holly Fritz, Charles Foyer et Rebecca Sterling. Nous sommes heureux d'annoncer que nous allons enseigner l'art de la volaille et des desserts. Si vous restez pour tout l'événement, vous ne le regretterez pas."

"Welcome to the 83 annual Culinary Arts Institute of Paris. Today, we will be having classes from world renowned chefs such as Holly Fritz, Charles Foyer, and Rebecca Sterling. We are pleased to announce that we're going to be teaching the art of poultry and desserts. If you stay for the entire event, you won't be sorry," the translator echoed.

Louis looked at me wide eyed as we made our way to our work station. "Haz, how do you expect me to assist you when I don't even know what half of this stuff is?"

"I'll guide you, don't worry about it," I giggled.

The first dish we were instructed to make was Petite Blanquette de Poulet a l'Estragon. Just the name had Louis gulping. Of course, I really wanted to learn the skills they had to offer to teach me. I did not get to go to France with Andreas years ago, too afraid to leave Louis alone - just like today.

I listened carefully to the commentary, trying to make the sauce the correct thickness. Of course, it was hard to do that and watch that chicken.

"Hey Lou, will you whisk the sauce, please?" I ask sticking my tongue out the side of my mouth to concentrate.

"Uh huh," Louis answered nervously. I could tell already that this was going to be an amusing task to see. He was holding the whisk like it would burn him at any second, and delicately put it in the sauce, barley moving it. "Harry....how do you whisk?" He blushed.

I can't help but smile fondly at him. I use the opportunity to get behind him, putting my hand on top of his and show him how to rotate the whisk in a manner that's effective. I look down and notice that he's watching and taking mental notes. Satisfied, I kiss him on top of the head with the intention of trying to finish the chicken. Yet, he had other plans. As I tried to move away from him, he arched his upper back more in my chest, and looked up at me.

"I'm tired, Hazzy."

"Oh, you not feeling well?" I stroked his cheek.

"No, too hungover. Can I go back to hotel and sleep this off?"

"I'm not your keeper, Lou. Don't even have to ask. We should go out tonight. It's our last night before the cruise," I suggest. "Ya know?"

"Yeah," He agrees, putting his hands on top of that that are still hugging him tightly. "Your sauce is bubbling."

"You're a good whisker," I compliment him and watch his face light up. "Now go and drink some water. I'm going to learn the art of French cooking tonight. Maybe even put Andreas and his Italian restaurant out of business," I joke, but he appears to like that statement.

"See you soon, Hazzy!" He kisses my cheeks and starts to walk away, but then he comes back. "I don't have any money for the bus...."

"Oh, that's okay. I got you. Here, use my debit card."

"Thanks Haz. See ya soon!"

As soon as Louis' leaves, the instructor, who now I know is named Madame Chantal Beaux comes over and greets me. She smiles warmly before taking a spoon and dipping it in my sauce, tasting it as she moves her tongue around to the roof of her mouth.

Without saying a word, she bows. I mimic the gesture and watch as she taste everyone's individuals meals. No idea if I did well or not.

I want to stay focused on the Culinary Arts convention, but I miss Louis, even though he's only been gone for 5 seconds.

My mind wanders to his rule making idea. I am not sure what he's talking about. I think Wednesdays should be our cook dinner together nights. Doesn't that sound lovely? I think I'll write that one down.


	16. #16

I can only tell you this sequence of events in past tense because I’m still trying to process what happened. 

After the Culinary Arts convention ended, a cab was waiting for me outside. I supposed Louis arranged it because he had my debit card. I remember thinking it was so sweet of him to do and I swooned quietly to myself. The cab took me to our En suite where I made my way up to the room.

“Louis?” I said softly as I placed the dessert I made for us on the kitchen table. He didn’t answer - of course, sending my anxiety into hyperdrive as I made my way to his room.

I knocked on his door, calling his name to no avail. Shrugging, I let myself in. To my dismay, he was there. Yes, he was there sprawled out on the bed, x-acto knife pressed to his skin. He was not bleeding as far as I could tell. He wasn’t inebriated or suffering a night terror. He was just sort of there.

“Hey,” I carefully uttered as I approached him. “I brought home some dessert. Made it myself,” I bragged. He kept the blade tightly in his grasp, holding it steady as he peered up at me with his cerulean eyes. Even in his most desperate hour, I’ve never seen anyone so mesmerizing. “I, uh - did you think about where we should go tonight?”

He kept the knife pressed firmly on his skin, though he refrained from using it. “I’m tired of not feeling anything, Hazzy,” he looked forward, voice low and monotone. “I just can’t anymore.”

I tied my shoes off,the mattress creaking as I sat down beside of him, putting my hand on top of his. “What’s wrong, Lou? You still hungover?”

He nodded slightly. “No. Just exhausted. Tired of this, Harry. I want to feel something, anything. Pain makes me feel alive for a minute, you know? For a minute, I can feel my pulse. That is a physical sign I am still here…”

“Louis,” I reassured him. “I’m so sorry you feel that way.”

He wiggles his hand off mine, pressing the blade into his thigh. Before he drag it along the taut flesh, I bend down pressing my lips on his thigh instead.

“You’ll never understand,” He said defeated.

I felt something twitch beneath me. Louis, who was sitting there broken, ran his fingers through my hair as I kept my lips attached to his thigh. “Bite me,” he demanded. I giggled as I tried to sit up, but he held my head down, repeating, “Bite me, Harry. Please. I want to feel it. Please, bite me!”

It felt strange at first. I don’t think Louis realized how much it was hard for me to refrain from him. Even in a state of vulnerability, I still loved him all the time.

I could feel his hand reach blindly for the blade, and that is when I decided to allow his request. At least then I could control how much pain he felt.

I nibbled on the meaty part of his inner thigh, not enough to break skin. I put enough pressure until I felt him wiggle beneath me. My reflexes made me run my tongue across the red mark, soothing it delicately.

He ran his fingers through my hair once more, hesitation as he spoke. “I thought more of the rules. It should only happen while we’re in Paris, you know? We can’t continue to fool around when we’re back home in Cheshire.”

“Louis,” I replied confused. “What are you talking about?”

“And we cannot judge each other for our kinks. That’s the purpose of this anyway, right? So we can explore what we like, what we don’t with someone we trust. The final rule: we can never fall asleep together on days we are exploring.”

“I don’t think this is a good idea, Lou,” I backed away from him. “We are best-friends.”

“That’s exactly why it’s a good idea, Harry. I read your profile over and over again. You need someone who can give you fulfillment and not take advantage of you, someone who cares about you. I can do that for you, Haz, I promise.”

“It’s just…” I tried to protest. I’m in love with you.

“The other night when we were drunk was the first time I was hard in so long, Harry. You do things to me...things I don’t understand, but they’re good things. This numbness, emptiness...I can’t anymore. Please Harry. You brought me here to make me feel better, right? This will make me feel better. This will make me feel. Look, all you did was bite my thigh and you have me in a whimpering mess!” He grabbed my hand and put it dangerously close to his groin. ‘If you don’t want to do that, will you leave the room so I can have some privacy?”

I licked my lips, reflecting over his words. “Ok,” was all I could muster up the strength to reply.

Being in love with your best-friend is pure hell at times. They have no idea how a touch or look can send your heart racing, your thoughts into eternal bliss. Or even the opposite. Hearing Louis say how much he wants to die and how empty he is makes me want to jump off a bridge with him. He’s the one person in the entire world whom I know deserves to be happy. It should come so natural to him, but that isn’t how it is. He is miserable, everyday waiting on death. Life is never fair.

I stood up, the mattress creaking once more as I walked to the door. I couldn’t grant him his request. I couldn’t allow us to engage in this contract. It would only complicate my feelings, push me over the edge of no return and fall even more in love with him. He wants no strings attached, and I’m not capable.

“Wait!” He said, standing up and rushing over to me. The X-acto knife was still firmly in his grasp. 

I turned around, startled by his sudden movement. He backed me into a wall, pressing his body against mine in silence. He dropped the blade, putting his hands on either side of hips and looked up at me. Our eyes met for what felt like an hour, His crystal gaze was piercing through my soul, igniting a fire inside my heart. Can he see how much I love him right now? Are my eyes giving away my secrets?

He broke our eye contact by closing his eyes and removed his hand from my waist and put it around my neck. He inched closer to me, the room quiet in anticipation.

“If I’m not going to make it home anyway, I’d rather spend my life doing this with you,” He whispered shyly as he closed the gap between us. He rested his feathery, thin lips on top of mine, staying perfectly still between us.

I tried to push away, but the wall was my enemy and left me no room. It wasn't that I didn’t want to kiss him, of course I did. We kissed so many times before, but it was platonic, no expectations involved. This, however, would open the gate to the intimacy and rules that Louis wants to explore. This stupid dating profile has made him utterly insane. Why did I have to make it in the first place?

I can’t explain to you why I was becoming submissive except I was getting love drunk off the passionless kisses. Just having him there on my lips was making me intoxicated. I could have stayed like that forever with Louis’ arms around my neck, innocently kissing me. Of course I could’ve.

“Hazzy,” He whispered as he detached our lips. “I think you should go now. Give me 10 minutes to get ready and we’ll go out tonight before the Cruise, just as we wanted.”

“Only if you give me the knife,” I insisted. My voice was shaky, still not recovered from having Louis’ lips on mine. To my surprise, he did without protest.

In fact, he did everything he was supposed to. We decided to visit the Panic Room. It was fun, special. We went the evening dancing together, and as far as I could tell, getting jealous anytime anyone else looked our way. I wish I could give you more details, but I hardly remember. I guess it was the absinthe we consumed. Yes, it was becoming our favorite drink while in Paris.

It was after the Panic Room that I really want to share you with this sequence of events. We both were drunk. It was a combination of the previous night’s alcohol and this one. Our blood stream had to be swimming in the poison.

We made it safely to our En suite, though clumsy and unscathed. We kissed each other goodnight, yes, it was innocent. I kissed him on the cheek and he kissed me on the side of the mouth. That was supposed to be the end of it.

But the absinthe had me hot and bothered. Louis, too, had me a mess from the club. We spent the night grinding on each other. Of course I was ready to release this pressure in the pit of my stomach. Good thing I brought my glass toy.

It was supposed to be a quiet night. I filled the bathtub up with sudsy bubbles and dropped in a pretty lavender bath bomb. I turned on the steamer, allowing the mirror to fog. I removed all my clothes and placed a towel on the edge of the bed.

Though my head was spinning, I was still feeling warm and fuzzy inside. The alcohol was putting me in a good mood, a mellow one. The lubrication I chose to use was water based, smelled like tangerines.

“Oh fuck,” I uttered to the air as I laid down in the tub, my legs bent at the knees. My dick was throbbing in anticipation. It had been so long since I got myself off. Nobody knew my body like I did. This was going to be such a relief.

"Ah," I moaned out as I bit my lip. I jerked myself off a few times, sloppily. The alcohol was swimming in my veins, making me drown with each second that passed. I let my body talk to me, guiding me to do what and when.

I reached for the toy that was sitting on the towel, but before I could use it, Louis was standing in the doorway.

When did he come in?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is exactly where this is heading....lol. *Enter smut*


	17. #17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut that may or may not make sense....lol.

(Past tense continued for this chapter only)

I could tell he had been crying. Those majestic crystal eyes were surrounded by a sea of red bloodshot whites. He scrubbed his nose with his shirtsleeve, swallowing thickly.

“Louis,” I muttered, hoping the lavender tinted water was enough to cover the glass toy. Did he see me grab it and try to hide it? “Louis, come here. What’s wrong?”

I quickly stood up, wrapping a towel around my body. My hard on became flaccid, no longer a desire to release my tension. All the tension I was feeling now was in my heart. How do I help him? No matter how hard I try, I can never. The pain and sadness always comes back stronger than ever, leaving him broken - shards of his former self on the floor.

“It hurts,” He sobbed as he doubled over. Usually clumsy, my reflexes caught him before his knees hit the floor. “It hurts so much.”

I immediately became paranoid and checked his body. When I saw no signs of injury, I pulled him into a hug, not paying attention that the bed was getting damp with my body.

“It’s okay,” I soothed him. There was no explanation needed, not tonight. I knew he was talking about the depression.

“It’s not,” He said wiping his nose again on his sleeve. “I feel nothing, Harry. Nothing. I need to feel something again. I’m losing my damn mind!”

You’re not the only one. “Don’t worry, Lou. We’re going to go on the Cruise tomorrow and see Ed Sheeran soon. We’re going to have a good time,” I reminded him.

“You don’t understand!” He yelped. “I need to feel something. Please, Harry. Please.”

“Okay, okay,” I surrendered. I wasn’t sure why and what he was begging me for. “What do you want to feel?”

Louis sat up, removing himself from my embrace and wiped his face on his shirt before tossing it to the floor. I tried to not let my eyes scan him, but they had a mind of their own. The temptation was too strong for me to refute. He was so breathtaking, beautiful. I couldn’t help but place my fingertips on his spine, vertifically caressing him softly. He shivered a little, fleshy goosebumps appearing all over his body.

He fluttered his eyelashes at me, a small smile forming out of the corner of his lips. He arched his back into my hand, encouraging me to continue. I brought him closer to my chest; my fingertips tracing the outline of his shoulder. I dipped down to kiss his black heart tattoo, feeling his muscles quiver.  
“I want to feel you,” He closed his eyes tight, tears still threatening to fall from his waterline. “Please, Harry.”

I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. Nothing but conflict was in my heart. The man I loved was wanting to be intimate with me, begging me for it even. I could easily just let it happen, no strings attached, and no mention of it tomorrow. Louis already told me his rules, but I’ve never told him mine which counteracted all of his. He didn’t want to wake up together the morning after, but it’s a must for me.

Yet, if I don’t do this, I’m afraid he’s going to be forced to hurt himself to feel something. I’d rather him use my body than his own.

I couldn’t say anything, The lump in my throat was growing. I was just going through the motions as I tucked my thumbs into the top of his jeans, sliding them over to his button and unfastening it quietly. I watched as he shimmied out of them, exposing his athletic build.

“Close your eyes,” He whispered, a ting of vulnerability in his voice.

“Why?” I questioned curiously.

Louis maintained eye contact with me, giving me a look every time I tried to look down. He grabbed my hand, taking my index finger and running it over coarse skin on his thighs. I could feel the scars. Some felt old, soft even. Others were lumpy and keloid. I could feel the fresh cuts too, how they felt open a little, a dip into his natural meaty legs.

“Don’t judge me,” He said softly.

I dismissed the idea with a head nod. “I’d never, Lou. I’ve seen you like this before, remember?”

“No,” He replied swiftly. “You haven’t, Hazzy. Please just…” He looked around the room and smiled when he saw the headscarf he picked out for me. He folded it neatly making several layers out of the material before wrapping it around my head. “Keep this on, please.”

“Okay,” I managed to spit out. I blindly put Louls’ head in the palm of my head, caressing his cheek. He tilted his head toward my hand, almost as if he was purring like a small kitten. “Your skin is so soft, Lou.”

“Thanks,” I couldn’t see him blush, but his cheek was rising in temperature. “Yours is too.”

I could feel him trying to make me lay flat on my back. The towel was raising up, exposing more of my thighs, making me bashful. I put my arm over my eyes, even with the blindfold on, trying to hide my face. Just the anticipation of being touched by Louis was causing me to melt. I am no stranger to be touched intimately, but something about the way he’s in front of me is surging electricity through my body.

Louis slithered on top of me, interlacing our fingers as he bent down to kiss me. It wasn’t like our previous kisses in the least sense. I could feel his tongue eagerly exploring mine, not even trying to take things slow. He was hardly one coyly in nature to begin with, but the ardent personality on display tonight was something to see.

Teeth, tongue, and spit clinked together, the sound ringing in my ears. I tried to suppress my moan, but it wasn’t happening.

“God, Hazzy. Andreas can never see this again. You hear me? You’re mine, all mine,” Louis ran his hands down my body, tracing the outline of my butterfly tattoo with both of his hands. He crouched down, flicking his tongue over one of my nipples, causing me to lurch forward.

“All yours,” I blurted out. My mind felt as if it was going into a trance. Louis was the ringleader and I was a mere lion being tamed. “But just for the extent of Paris?” I needed clarification. I was so confused.

“Shh,” He whispered in my ear, kissing me feverishly. “My hands are a bit shaky and you’re making me more nervous.”

“Why are your hands shaky?” I asked concerned.

Louis stilled himself. “I don’t know,” he sighed. “I’m having difficulty. Can you…..?” I could feel him gulping, almost as if was forgetting where he put his confidence. I could feel small vibrations beneath me as Louis tried to steady himself.

I couldn’t help myself but remove the blindfold and see what was going on with him. He looked like he was inside headspace, thinking too hard. His hands were shaking, so were his thighs. He appeared nervous, uneasy. It wasn’t the assertive Louis who walked in here. Well, that is not even true is it? Vulnerable, desperate Louis walked in here. I hated seeing him this way. I’ll do do anything to help him, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. This was not the time to be shy, not at all.

Silence ensued the room. I clutched Louis’ trembling hands, bringing the left one to my lips for a quick kiss. He looked up at me, tears staining his cheeks. I wiped them with the pad of my thumb before kissing them away. He gave me a bashful, pitiful smile. I watched as he became responsive to my touch.

“Do you feel something now, Louis?” I asked as I laid him down on his back. My question was genuine. I wanted this to be a halfway pleasant night for him.

He bit his bottom lip turning his head to the side so we didn’t have to make eye contact anymore before nodding. He tried to place his hands over his thighs, but I pinned them down by the wrist. “You don’t need these anymore,” I said seductively as I pulled down his boxers.

He wiggled beneath me for a minute, trying to conceal his legs. “Don’t do that,” I warned but it was as if he couldn’t help himself. I seized my headscarf, tying his wrist around the iron bedpost.

“Haz,” Louis whined. His voice sounded raspy, meek.

I put myself between his thighs, commanding the scene. I felt of the texture earlier but did not get to see the new creation he carved out of flesh. He had fresh cuts on the top of his thighs and groin. I knelt down, kissing all of them - old and new. I could see his lip quivering out of the corner of his eye - a solitary tear escaping. I slithered up his body, kissing it away too. As I creeped back down, I could feel his erection hard on my stomach.

That is when it really hit me. We were going to do this and I’m supposed to pretend it didn’t happen the next morning. Louis wants me to take charge, dominate him so he can feel something, but he doesn’t realize he’s controlling me. This is so hard to do; I love him, but here I am, giving him my all - pretending to be composed when I feel chaos inside.

“They’re beautiful, Louis. They tell a story about you,” I accoladed. “You are strong for using the coping skills you have instead of submitting to the tiny voice that tells you that you're worthless. You fight everyday, and that makes you so brave, Louis,” I cooed as I licked my tongue across one of his scars, moving forward until I reached the ‘v’ line adjacent to his hips.

His thighs quivered between me, sending little shivers down my shoulders. He lurched forward, arching his back uncontrollably. I’d never let him know, but I could’ve came with just how his body was responding to me. Maybe the absinthe was strong in his bloodstream still, though it didn’t appear that way.

“You sober?” I questioned paranoid. He nodded, looking away - a smile grazing his bashful lips. “I don’t want this to ruin our friendship. I love you too much.”

“It won’t, Hazzy,” He reassured me.

Well, we’ve crossed the line anyway, haven’t we? Louis is sprawled out, tied up to my bed post. So I guess, if this is the last night I have with him, I’m going to savor it - every last drop.

Though his wrist were pinned to the post, I tugged at them as I sent a trail of kisses around his collarbone. His scripted tattoo there had always drove me insane, I couldn’t resist the urge to taste it any longer. His mouth parted open as I began to suck on a spot just above the S of his last “is,” softly moaning in the darkness.  
“This,” I continued to suck. “Is my spot, okay? Nobody else.”

“Yours,” He echoed. I could feel him unraveling, curving his back upward to gain friction.

I pushed him back down with my palm resting on his chiseled chest, continuing to kiss down his body. I nibbled on the flesh of his sides causing him to ravish around in pleasure.

“Mine too,” I claimed as he pulled on his restraints.

I stopped right before I reached his shaft, licking a circle around the hard muscle but never touching it. Louis whined, begging me for friction - but my mission was set on teasing for now. I could feel a bead of precome drip on my cheek.

“Mmm,” I hummed as I decided to kiss his tip. He surged forward, but I placed both my hands around his hips, keeping him still. “Be good for me,” I forewarned. My mouth slacked as I licked up and down his shaft, sucking softly once I reached the top again.

Louis was trying to thrust upward, as if he couldn’t help it but I held him there, teasing him. “I’ve got you,” I reminded him, though I’m not sure he could understand me as mouth was preoccupied with his dick.

I sucked on his tip a few more seconds before leaving the bed empty. I watched out of the corner of my eye as Louis bit his bottom lip. He looked so attractive just laying there, his cheeks flush, but his skin glistening with a thin film of sweat.Yet, I could see him going into a deep trance - one of deep thought and contemplation. I could see his brow furrowing, thinking way too hard, a grimace look on his face. I was losing Louis to the depression again.

I could not stand to see him like this - a prisoner to a disease he never asked for. Therefore, the only way I knew how to help him was to make him feel, just as he had requested from me.

When I climbed back on the bed, I uncapped the bottle of lube I dug out of my suitcase and rubbed the substance over my index and middle finger. I kissed down his jawline, admiring the way his lips parted open, a small mewl in his throat - a small hint that maybe I was doing something right. Louis was coming back to me.

I pushed his thighs slightly more open with my knees, but didn’t deatch my lips from the sweet spot I’ve seem to have found.

“Yeah?” I questioned, making sure this was something he wanted.

“Yeah,” He breathlessly replied. “Yeah,” He echoed as he tried to reach up and kiss me. I grinned as I leaned down, our tongues moving in sync with each other as I used my index finger to swirl around his untouched hole. I slowly pushed the tip of my finger in. Louis responded by taking his teeth along my bottom lip, nibbling softly as I pushed against his resistance.

“Harry,” He moaned. I could feel him rocking on my fingers, trying to speed up the process but I wanted to take care of him, I wanted him to feel. I didn’t want to rush this process. I had to take care of him - savor every piece of him as if it would be my last night with him. I mean, it very well could’ve been.

I loved the way he felt on my fingers, all tight and velvety. Heat was radiating, and I felt myself enter a state of nirvana. I kissed on the pulsing vein bulging out of the right side of neck as I pushed in deeper, scissoring him slowly. He pulled on the restraints, his back arching off the bed, feet digging deep into the mattress.

“Feel good?” I asked as we made eye contact, our chest pressed together. Our lips somehow found themselves attached once more, unable to stay away from each other.

“So good,” He praised. “Your fingers...Harry...they feel amazing.”

I smiled warmly at him, feeling proud that I was making him escape from being numb momentarily.

I untied the restraints, but gave him a warning look not to move his hands. I grabbed ahold of the condom I brought with the lube, ripping it with my teeth, and rolling it on my shaft. I interlaced our fingers together, and aligned myself parallel to his hole before I slowly pushed in my tip, kissing him tuberluntly as he quivered beneath me.

“It’s okay,” He reassured me.

I snapped my hips forward, feeling myself engulf around him as I granulated our bodies together. I could feel him gripping my hands tighter as my dick bottomed out. I peppered his ear and neck with kisses and bites as he moaned against my shoulder.

“Good?”

“So good,” He repeated.

I could see his pupils dilate, getting lost in the moment - the moment with me. What have I done to deserve this?

I was finding myself getting the same sensation, slipping under into a white world where I could hardly speak - only feel the pleasure immensing between us.

“Fuck,” He moaned. “Fuck...Harry….Oh fuck.”

I unlocked our hands, grabbing under his thighs and pulling him toward me, thrusting into him deeper, harder. “Yes!” He screeched. “Do I….feel good, too?”

“Oh my god, Lou. You feel amazing!” I slowed down my pace, savoring each drag of his walls across my shaft.

Louis shut his eyes tight,his teeth sinking deep into his bottom lip. He held onto my wrist trying to pull me even closer to him, begging for a kiss as I continued to thrust deep inside of him.

“Don’t stop,” He begged. Those words sounded sexy, but desperate. Tears were brimming out of his eyes. I couldn’t help but kiss them away. He placed both hands along the top of his thighs, covering up his scars. I released his thighs as I swatted his hands away. “Please, don’t look.”

“I won’t,” I promised as I traced the outline of his scars, concentrating on his new cuts. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” He encouraged me to continue.

“FUCK,” He jolted forward, putting his hand on top of mine. I continued to feel his cuts as he pleaded for me to not stop.

“I’m sorry. I’m going to come!’ He announced.

“It’s okay,” I promised. “I’m close too.”

“Please, Harry, don’t stop. Right there! FUCK!” He gripped my hand tight as I drilled my hips deep into what I assume was his prostate over and over again. “Oh fuck!”

I lurched forward, straightening out my body, as I grabbed ahold of his hips, thrusting deeper and faster, my muscles aching, my body sweaty. “Louis…” I cautiously stated. “I’m coming.”

Before I could pull out, my body released white ribbons into the condom, my body convulsing without rhythm.

Drained of all energy, I looked up at Louis whose eyes were shut tight, as if he was thinking. Almost going into panic, I wrapped my lips around his shaft, hollowing my cheeks, and letting him fuck into my mouth before warm liquid shot down my throat. I sucked on him until he giggled that he was getting oversensitive.

My body collapsed on top of his chest. I wrapped my arms around him, not even caring to remove the condom that was still around my flaccid shaft.

“Thank you,” He muttered, tears streaming down his face.

“Louis,” I used the pad of my thumb to wipe his tears away. “Please, don’t cry. You’re going to make me cry,” I warned him, but it was too late.I was too overwhelmed with what just happened ot hold back my tears. “It’s okay.”

“Can I just...lay here for a little while before I have to leave?”

“That’s your rule, not mine. You can stay here all night if you like,” I petted his hair as I rolled him on top of me instead. “I promise I won’t mind sharing a bed with you….” I smiled at him, but it only caused him to sob harder.”It’s okay, Lou. I promise, it’s okay.”

He never spoke to me the rest of the night. In fact, I held him for what seemed like hours as he cried on my chest. I tried to soothe him the best I could, but it appeared to only made matters worse. It wasn’t until he let out a small yawn, followed by silence, before he finally had some relief by falling asleep.

I tried to wake him up, tell him that he needed to get his own bed, but he only tightened his grip around me, clinging onto me for dear life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is probably turning cliche but I hope you're still enjoying it. Criticism is highly appreciated. Sorry my smut was so confusing, drawn out, and horribly written. *Blushes* Love you <3


	18. #18

“Harry?” Louis mumbled, wiping the sleep from his eyes. I circled his scalp with my fingertips, letting him know I’m already awake. “What time is it?”

“Not sure,” answer truthfully. “Still dark outside, haven’t seen the sun come up.”

Louis looks up at me, his eyes concerned. “You haven’t been to sleep. Is it because I take up too much room in the bed? Are you uncomfortable? I’m sorry,” He tried to break free from my grasp. “I’ll go to my room now.” 

“Wait!” I hold him tightly. “I’d love it if you’d stay.”

To my surprise, he maneuvers himself comfortable around the curves of my body and relaxes. I can’t tell him the truth - how I couldn’t sleep because I was afraid he’d hate me. What if he woke up and acted like this was all a mistake? What if he had a night terror and I wasn't there for him? It just seemed like the most safe thing - to stay awake and not let the night end. Besides, I’m sure the cruise ship will rock me to sleep like a baby tonight.

He’s so warm against me. “How’re feeling?” 

“Tired,” He meekly replies. “You?”

“I feel excited, ready for the next stop in our vacation,” I roll halfway over on my back, pulling Louis with me as he switches onto his other side, cuddling my chest.”Gonna be fun.”

I can feel him breathing on my chest, soft and slow. His wrist is exposed, scars shaped like stitches shining through the moonlight. I can’t help but caress them, at least try to. He retreats his hand under his head. I can feel his knuckles on my rib cage, but I don’t mind.

“Do you want some breakfast?” He randomly asked. His voice seems unsure, like maybe he doesn’t know if he wants breakfast or not either. 

“Sure,” I say running my fingers across his deer tattoo. He shivers under my touch. “But only if you wear your beret.”

“Hazzy!” He jumps up on me, stradling me. “Why do you request such silly things?” 

Louis is coming back to me. This is my playful friend whom I hadn’t seen in so long. He’s flamboyant, sensitive, and unique. He’s extremely flirty and has a zest for life. 

“Because I like to see you smile,” I pushed my body up, causing Louis to bounce on top of me. He giggled before putting his palms on both sides of the mattress, and lowering himself to playfully bite at my shoulder, causing me to thrash around. 

“Stop, stop! I can’t take it!” I squeal. 

We’ve always been this way. I can’t tell you how many people thought we were dating in all phases of our lives. I always had to dismiss the idea and tell them that he’s my best-friend. I understand he doesn’t love me that way. I accept it. I just can’t help but live for moments like this, even if they mean nothing to him,

“Say you love me and I will!” He yelps as he continues to nibble at my sensitive flesh.

Well that’s an easy one. “I love you...now stop!” I tither breathlessly. 

Instantly, he stills and brings his body straight again, his palms on my butterfly tattoo. “I didn’t hear you.”

I swallow. How can I tell him I love him without it sounding like the truth? I can’t. 

“Come on, let’s get some breakfast,” I slide my hands under his thighs and pick him up off the bed. He’s hanging onto my neck like a monkey. “Go get ready.”

I put him down gently as he pouts. He tries to walk out of my room, but he’s noticeable limping and turning crimson in the face. “Don’t watch!” He says embarrassed. 

“I’m sorry,” I fondly reply. “Was I too rough? Louis, I’m so sorry! Come here!”

“No, no you were great...” He trails off, his voice cracking a little. As he walks away, he looks back at me with a sweet smile. I shoot him one back, feeling my heart flutter. Can he read my face?

 

Alyssa: How’s Paris going  
Harry: Awesome <3 how is the bakery  
Alyssa: Wonderful, so many orders lately. How was Culinary Convention?  
Harry: Second best part of this trip so far.  
Alyssa: What was the first?  
Harry: <.< can’t tell you.  
Alyssa: Then I can’t tell you my news either  
Harry: :-P How about when I get back we can share  
Alyssa: ….Fine. Ur no fun. Tell Louis hello for me.  
Harry: Will do. TTYL.

I stretch my back out, feeling small cracks as I release tension. We don’t have much money left, but hopefully the cruise won’t be too costly. It’s already paid for, even our food. However, Louis has a way of spending money like no other. We’ve discussed this in his therapy before. The rush of shopping provides temporary relief to him, much like his self-harm. I’d prefer he’d be in debt than put new scars on himself anyday.

Anyway, I’m sorry. I go on small rants about him about random things, don’t I? Speaking of Louis, he should be ready by now. What if….?

I make my way across the ensuite, knocking softly on Louis’ door. “Lou, you ready?”

“Come in, Hazzy,” He mutters back. His voice sounds weak, tired. I open the door to find Louis undressed, shirtless at least. His shoulders are exposed out of the covers, and he’s turned toward the wall. “I can’t go.”

I scoot beside of him, inviting myself under the blanket as well. “Did I hurt you that bad?”

He turns over, giggling. “No, silly. Stop thinking that. It just seems like...a lot of energy, you know? I’m sorry. I can’t explain it. I know that it’s just walking down the street, but my body gets so exhausted sometimes. I think it's called….” He starts to google answers on his phone. “Psychomotor retardation.”

“I know,” I say as I grab the tips of his fingers, kissing them gently. “You don’t ever have to apologize for having a disease, Louis.”

“I can’t help it, Haz. What if you get burnt out of hearing me complain all the time? Or get tired of waiting on me to get better? What if your dating profile finds you the perfect match and he is this wonderful, happy man who you want to share your life with? That won’t leave any room for poor, depressed Louis,” He scoots closer to me, putting his head on my forearm. 

The vulnerability in his voice is haunting. “What is your perfect match?”

“Hazzy,” He sinks lower into my chest.

“What? I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”

“Well….probably someone like you,” He looks up at me. “I mean…Hazzy.”

“What?” I jiggle, my heart racing in my chest. “Like me?”

Louis tries to dig himself under the covers, but I hold him still, gently caressing him sides. He doesn’t show shyness much, though around me, it appears its his default lately.

“Yes, you. You are so kind, patient, handsome. You have the singing voice of an angel. I love it when I sit at a table at your bakery in the mornings and just listen to you hum a whimsical tune as you prepare your morning sweets. You captivate me, and I know you’ll never be good enough for anyone. You’re too good for this world.”

“Louis,” My words sound gravely. “That’s not even true.”

“Yes it is! Don’t you see? I love everything about you. Look, you have this little curl that has a mind of its own. I always found that so pretty,” He swirls my hair around his fingers. I smile at him as he mirrors me back. “And you’re so clumsy. I love it.”

“Thank you,” I answer honestly. He nuzzles himself back into my chest and arms. “I haven’t looked for a soulmate in a long time. I found mine when I was six years old. We used to exchange lunches in primary school because he hated tuna salad and his mom kept fixing it for him. He loved her so much that he’d never tell her he didn’t like it,” I laugh. He stills, removing his hand from my hair. “So I gave him my peanut butter and jelly…” 

I continued as I could feel Louis’ breathing slow down. “He was the most amazing person to me and we were and still are inseparable. During puberty, he began to become depressed. We began to date people and had a little less time for each-other, but we’d always find our way back. Andreas was my first real- relationship, Eleanor his.”

“Harry,” 

“Wait, Lou. Let me finish. I couldn’t stand to see him with Eleanor. During an Major Depressive Episode, she had the nerve to walk out of him, say she couldn’t handle him, and I let him cry on my shoulder. I left Andreas the very next night because I wanted to give my entire energy to making him happy. He kissed me that night - told me that his kisses would keep the assholes away. And it has, because you know why?”

Louis shook his head, his breath hitching.

“Because all I can think about is how his kisses feel and could never imagine kissing anyone else. Then a few hours ago, I think I helped him out of his head for a little while.He made have used my body for escape, but I made love to him. I know I did. Moral of the story is - I don’t have to go looking for my soulmate. He’s in my arms.” I can’t believe I just did that. “So, no, Louis - I’d never leave you.”

“In three days, I plan on jumping from the Eiffel Tower.” Louis replies. His voice is stern, inflexible. He tries to scoot closer to me, and I take the hint, intertwining our legs together. “And you’d still think I was your soulmate?”

“No matter what,” I promise. 

“Harry?” He questions as I hum in response. “You can’t save me.”  
“I know.”

“Can you stop trying? Your words are pretty, always has been, but they make me confused.”

“You think I’m just saying these things to you because I want to save you? Louis, no. If you aren’t going to believe my words, think of what happened last night. We made love. Didn’t you feel it? It may have been sex to you, but I felt something -something I know I’ll only feel with you.” Why am I pouring my entire heart out this morning? 

“Three days. Eiffel Tower. I jump.”

_Three days. Eiffel Tower. I catch you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this chapter wasn't confusing and littered with mistakes. I know it was dialogue heavy. Thanks so much for the kudos. I really appreciate it!


	19. #19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Horribly written Top Louis smut activate!

"So this cruise," Louis, who is currently chowing down on a pastry, is sitting on my lap at a library near our Suite. "Looks amazing."

I pull him closer to me, trying to adjust his tailbone from cutting my thigh in half. "It does. The Seine River looks so gorgeous right now, doesn’t it? "

I’m not lying. The way the water is cascading off the moonlight can take anyone's breath away, not to mention the illumination shining from Louis’ blue eyes under this night sky.

He lightly taps my thigh. "Yes, very pretty," he nods. I playfully bite his shoulder, admiring the way the moon is making his freckles shimmer too. "Hazzy, stop it!”

I continue as I rub my tongue over each beautiful mark. “I’m sorry. I just love them so much.”

Louis hops off my lap, standing up. “Come on. It’s time to go swimming!” I groan deep in my throat. I wanted to continue admiring him under this beautiful scenery. “You need to cool down. You’re not behaving!”

"I must’ve forgot how….” I stand up too, throwing Louis over my shoulder and jumping in the water. He lets out a yelp, but immediately swims over to me. We somehow forget about the crowd of people around us as we playfully splash water at each other.

Louis stands behind me, pulling me closer to him. “You better behave, Hazzy.”

“Or what?” I shoot him a devious look as I duck my head under the water and snatch his ankle, pulling him under the water with me.

Instead of trying to fight with me, he intertwined our fingers under the water. We are looking ahead at each-other, though my eyes are beginning to sting. He pulls me closer to him, our bodies floating into each other. - Yet, just before our lips touch, he pulls us to the surface.

“You’ll find out tonight,” He says in such a nonchalant manner, I have shivers.

I gulp. I am helpless, in the middle of this pool surrounded by this sea of people. I want to act appropriately, but I am losing control. The way the water is dripping down Louis’ face, cascading down and hitting his inner lip; the way he is looking at me. It’s a sensory overload. I can’t deal.

“I think I’m going to go to my room,” I call as I swim over to the steps leading up to dry land.

“I think I’m going to follow you,” He replies. “Unless you don’t want me to,” and now he’s blushing. God, help me now. I can’t even reply to that, just pull him down the corridor, eagerly to our cabin.

I begin to walk in our private bathroom, trying to close the sliding door. I want to get these wet clothes off of me. It’s a little chilly in the room, causing all 4 of my nipples to harden in the crisp air. Yet, just before I can shut it all the way, I see a spider web tattoo sticking between the doors.

“Harry?”

Did he just call me Harry….where is his vulnerable voice? This one contains a little gravel, want. Is this some alternate universe? No wait, this is one of those dreams within a dreams again, isn’t it? I won’t know I’m dreaming, and then I’ll wake up and Louis will look at me like I’ve lost my mind. That has to be it. That has to - or not.

“Didn’t we make a pact that you’d be able to explore your kinks?”

“Yeah but…”

“But what? We’re still in Paris, aren’t we?” Louis steps closer to me. My body slams against the marble vanity, no more room to escape. “Unless you don’t want to.”

I grip the counter tightly, my knuckles turning white as Louis presses his body more into mine. I can feel his hard on through his wet shorts, slowly teasing my thigh.

“I do, I do,” I submit, tucking my thumbs under the band of his shorts and trying to peel them down. Louis moves his index finger in a ‘no’ motion, and takes them off himself before holding my hand, pulling me over to my small bed.

Louis sits in front of me on his knees as he grips his phone, beginning to read out loud. “Hello. Harry, 23, emerald eyes, proper fit.Versatile - like to top and bottom, according to my mood.’ Well, I’ve never topped before...actually, only had a male experience with you…” Louis blushes but quickly gains his raspy tone back. “Don't mind bondage, being choked, or hair pulling. Interested in men. I'll only be here in France for another week so we'd have to arrange things quick.’ Well, we’re almost done with day 1 of 3 left so..’ I'm a culinary artist for a living so maybe I can bake you some cookies afterwards if you behave. Know some french, but not much.’ Don’t think you can bake me cookies on a cruise ship, but we can go to the buffet,” Louis lays his phone down on the floor, resting his elbows between my thighs.

“Louis,” I run one hand through his hair, overwhelmed.

“You really are proper fit. No wonder you got these laurels where you did. It’s like an outline where to start,” Louis thumbs my tattoos on both sides of hips, stretching until his tongue comes in contact with the right one. I shudder, my mouth falling open, a moan stuck in my throat.

He glides the tip of his tongue over to the left one, nibbling softly on my skin. I can’t help but buck my hips up, begging for more contact. He holds down my waist with his firm hands, sitting his chest on top of my exposed shaft.

“So what kind of mood are you in, exactly?” Louis stands up off of his knees, climbing on the bed. The mattress sinks down as he straddles me.

I can’t speak, I can’t see. White is flashing behind my eyes. I can’t move. I can’t do anything, but lay there, feeling tingles zapping at every cell in my entire body.

Before I can even try to answer him, he pulls my hair and tilts my head to the side. The way my roots are tight against my scalp taut, oh fuck. “I don’t know what I'm doing Hazzy, just vaguely read about this earlier. You’ll have to narrate how good or bad I’m doing,” He whispers in a vulnerable tone before pulling my hair harder, the raspiness in his voice returning instantly. “Mmm.” He says as he keeps my hair twisted around his fingers as he nibbles on my ear, gliding his tongue down to my jawline.

“Am I hurting you too much?” He asked concerned.

I shakily place my index finger over his lips, disagreeing. “Hurts so good, so good.”

“But you weren’t good in the pool, were you?” Louis lets go of my hair, biting harshly on a spot below my jawline. He begins to suck greedily, the screeching sound echoing off the walls.

“Oh fuck,” I beat my head against the mattress in pleasure. Louis pops off loudly, kissing the throbbing spot before continuing down my body.

“I must be doing something right,” Louis says proudly. “Because,” he sticks his fingers in the precome that is collecting around my navel “of this.” He smears some down my thighs, licking his freshly placed trail.

“Louis,” I pant. “Touch me, please!”

“Patience is a virtue, Haz,” He says scolding like, “Flip over.”

Somehow, my thighs work just enough for me to flip over on my stomach. I can feel Louis between my legs, crawling up on top of my back like a stealthy kitten. He’s pressing his chest against my back, his hard member on the cleft of my ass.

“I’m getting anxious,” He admits helplessly.

I look back at him, noticing the way he looks afraid, scared. I remember him telling me he’s never been with anyone like this before, only women until he and I had our rendezvous the other day - and I was in control of that.

“Louis,” I call out as he collapses on top of me, listening to my voice in his ear. “You can’t mess up, I promise. You are my favorite person. The sun rises and shines with your smile in my world,” I compliment him.

“Hazzy,” I can feel tears on my ear. Oh no. He’s getting emotional again. “I believe you because I can see one of your dimples poking out,” He kisses my face. “Am I doing okay?”

“I’ve never been this turned on, Louis. I promise. It almost hurts!” I plead for him to continue.

He must get the confidence boost he needs because I can feel him sitting up on me, his ass resting on the back of my thighs. He’s hunching over, kissing each of my spinal plates. “I love your milky skin, Harry.” Louis runs his hands down to my hips - turning me over. “But your eyes, it’s like looking into an exotic forest and never wanting to escape.”

He shakes his head, almost as if he’s snapping himself out of some trance. I curiously watch him change his sweet smile to a devious one. He latches onto my adam’s apple, biting softly before replacing his teeth with his hand, pressing gently on my throat as he falls on his knees, taking my member suddenly in his mouth without warning.

“Lou - fuck!” I whimper as I put my hands on either side of my his head.

I can feel him experimenting with the pressure on my neck. The way he’s trying to take care of me, being sure not to hurt me is causing me to almost have an out of body experience. The world appears to be fuzzy. It’s hard to remain present, in my head space.

“Here!” I blindly feel around for the bottle of lube and condom that I stashed under my pillow in hopes I would be in this position. “Please, Lou!” He lets out a sigh, visibly tense, his hands continue to act neurotic. He retrieves the condom, but drops it. “Lou, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

I fall on my knees, taking his length in my mouth. He arches his his hips forward, balancing himself with his hands on my shoulders. “Christ, Harry!”

I bob my head up and down - hallowing my cheeks as I rake my teeth over his sensitive tip. Louis fist my hair, entangling his fingers in my locks. When I see he’s completely love drunk, I fish around for the condom.

“Mmm,” I mutter, jouncing my O shaped lips up and down his shaft before popping off and replacing my mouth with the condom. Immediately, his eyes peer open and look down at me, seemingly lost. I uncap the lube and coat his fingers with it before standing up and kissing him in a heated frenzy. “You can never do any wrong, Lou. You feel so amazing, even if we’re cuddling.”

I put my hands on either side of his hips, walking backwards until the bend of my knees hit the mattress. I fall on my back, my thighs falling open. Louis stares at me for a second, a smirk forming on his lips. His eyes have a grunt, a longing, and suddenly, his assertive demeanor makes an appearance once again.

He teases at my entrance, making small circles as he bends down to put our chests together. I grip the bed sheets in anticipation for what I hope he’s going to do.

“Back to how you were,” He growls. I shoot him a uncertain expression. “On your stomach.”

Without thinking twice, I flip over, sitting on my knees, my head in the pillow. He didn’t ask me to to do this, but I want to. It’ll make it easier on him. “God, Harry. Why haven’t we done this sooner?”

I let out a giggle but that quickly turns into a moan when I feel Louis begin to push his way through my walls, a sudden stretch catching me off the guard. He already has sweat accumulating on his brow, concentrating hard. I make a conscious decision to be vocal about how I feel so he won’t be so doubtful of himself.

“Yes!” I cry. Louis puts his other hand in front of my lips, sliding it into my mouth. I use my tongue to suck on his fingers, our eyes greedily staring into each other irises. A few moments later, I learn why.

Using his two index fingers, he’s stretching me out gently. “Don’t want to hurt you,” he narrates. Could this man be anymore perfect? Since when did anyone ever care about hurting me. “Want you to feel good, Hazzy….Harry,” He clears his throat.

When I feel as if I’ve been stretched enough, I claw at his wrist. He leans down, connecting our lips as we slowly grind on top of each other.I hold onto his hips, thrusting myself harder onto him. Being stretched has me eager, impatient.

“Please,” I whisper in his ears. “Share yourself with me, Lou.”

He blushes, but turns over on his side, putting me in the same position. He's holding the underside of my left leg and aligns himself with my body. With his free hand, he guides his head into the opening of my hole. I gasp, pant, moan, bite my bottom lip all at the same time. This is happening, and I’m living for it.

I reach behind me, steadying myself with his thigh, suggesting I’m ready to take more in. With kisses pressed against my bare shoulder, he pushes in a little at a time until he bottoms out.

“Yeah?” I ask him.

He doesn’t say anything, looking completely blitzed out already. I had no idea I’d have this effect on him.

“I feel everything,” He states.

“Louis,” I respond as I begin to move my hips slowly.

“Harry.”

I tilt my head back, watching Louis who has eyes shut. His cheeks are stained with tears, his mouth parted open. He’s just laying there inside of me. I’m not sure where he is at. Is it the depression? Anxiety? Pleasure? I don’t know. I can’t engage.

“Louis, come back,” I say as I push him on his back, peppering his face with kisses, trying to dry his tears with my lips. “Come back. Where are you? Use your words.”

“I feel everything.”

I use one hand to guide his member back into me, lacing our fingers together, kissing him until my lips feel raw.

I feel a tight knot accumulating in my stomach, a familiar release though I’ve hardly received any stimulation yet. The connection is more than enough to send me over the edge, but I want Louis to experience this.

I use my knees and thigh muscles to bounce on top of his shaft. His mouth parts open as he reaches out his hands, trying to grasp onto anything he can. Somehow, he finds my waist and holds onto me as I grind on him slowly. He licks his lips, timidly bringing one of those hands up to my neck, squeezing gently. I put my hand on top of his, strengthening his hold.

“Fuck Louis,” I whine.

“Harry.” He says other words but they’re merely incoherent, babble.

I jut my hips up and down on him, feeling my oxygen being slowly cut off as my head and lips begin to tingle. The world is beginning to slow down and appear hazy. My rhythm has slowed down remarkably. Before I feel myself black out, I let go of his hand and the head rush has me moaning in ecstasy.

“You feel so good, Louis. I love this.”

His hand is no longer around my throat, but trying to clutch onto pieces of my flesh. I arch my back into cat-like stance, kissing his nipples as he wraps my curls around his fingers. “You’re doing so well, Louis. Feel good?”

“Harry,” He calls out. God, I love how my name rolls off his tongue.

My thighs burn and I think Louis is noticing I’m slowing down. “Let me,” he calls out.

“How do you want me, Lou? This is your night,” I stroke his cheek softly, tears still spilling out of them.

“You pick,” he mutters.

“I want you behind me - pulling my hair, and choking me. Can you do that?” I question as I remove myself from his shaft. I already feel empty, craving for him to fill me up again. “If you can’t, it’s okay. We can do missionary.”

“No, no. I want you to feel good, Hazzy,” A sense of fragileness returning to his voice. No. I can’t have that.

I slump over the bed, sticking my ass in the air, wiggling a little bit as I wait on Louis to push back inside of me. I look back and see he’s just standing there, holding onto my hips, losing his confidence by the second.

I slide my ass backwards, engulfing myself in his thick, beautiful shaft that I wouldn’t mind having for the rest of my life. I reach blindly for his hand, putting it around my throat as I swing my head on his shoulder. I fuck myself on him, obscenities exiting my mouth.

“Fuck Louis. Oh fuck. Shit, feels so good!” I scream. “Ah, oh. Ah, ah.”

Louis juts his hips forward, thrusting inside of me with a perfect rhythm. I continue to moan my nirvana, praising him for his good job.

“Oh fuck, Louis! Don’t stop, don’t stop,” I beg him. I can feel my orgasm pooling in the bottom of my stomach. My entire body is beginning to heat up.

“Harry,” Louis groans. “I can’t….gonna….”

“Don’t hold it, Louis. You’re so sexy when you come,” I reach between my legs and run my hand down the cuts littering his thighs..

As he chases his own high, I can feel his tip hitting that little bundle of nerves that I’ve been dreaming about. “Oh my god, Louis. Right there. Right there. Oh fuck. I love this! Do this forever with me! Oh fuck!” I cry. “I’m coming, I’m coming!”

Louis takes hold of my neglected shaft, jerking me off as I spill all over his hand, his 28 tattoo getting painted white. My toes are curling, and there's ringing in my ears. My body goes numb before jerking forward, electricity shooting through me. I feel like I'm floating on a cloud.

“AH!” He cries out as I feel intense heat engulfing my hole. Louis’ movements are jerky, spratic. He's hardly moving anymore, suddenly coming to an halt as he collapses on my bareback.

“Don’t,” I wrap my fingers around his wrist before he can pull out. I position our bodies so we’re both lying on our sides, me being the little spoon. Louis is panting heavily, but his breathing is beginning to regulate.

“Was that good?” He ask breathless.

“Unbelievable, Lou. You don’t know how amazing that feels .How was it for you?”

“I feel really close to you right now, Harry,” Louis whispers. “And I really want those cookies.”

I turn over, facing Louis. The emptiness of our bodies disconnecting creates a stale absence in the air, though I'm sure I'm the only one to feel it.,“Cookies, huh? Then get on your beret and let's go to the dining hall.

Louis licks his lips, tucking himself in his safe spot between my shoulder and the crook of my neck. “Can we push the beds together tonight?”

“Long gone are the days of me sleeping in the recliner, huh?” I give him a happy look as he does the same.

"Could we ever be enough?" He whispers. 

"What do you mean?" I challenge.

Louis sits up, throwing his feet over the side of the bed. "Nothing. Talking silliness. Let's go get cookies!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to rewrite this several times and I am just not happy with it....ugh! I appreciate all the feedback and kudos <3 You guys are such a lovely community. I REALLY wish I would have posted more stories on here. The ones I've read on here are amazing too! Maybe I'll post the links or at least the titles to some of my faves later!


	20. #20

With only two days left in Paris, I feel as if I am going to jump out of my skin at any second. I know I promised him I wouldn’t stand in the way of him trying to end his life, but I never meant it. I honestly thought that this trip would provide him a little bit of hope, make him fight for his happiness, you know? Instead, it’s just made me fall more in love with him. How am I supposed to move on from this? I am in love with him, and now he knows it. 

It’s as quiet as a butterfly sipping on morning dew on the Cruise Ship right now. The waves are rocking everyone back and forth, most in a tranquil slumber. Louis is pilant in my arms, sleeping soundly. He hasn’t had a Night-Terror in such a long time, and I consider that improvement. I only wished his serotonin and dopamine would balance out too.

It’s the night of the Ed Sheeran concert, and the night we are seeing the Eiffel Tower. To say I have two days left was an exaggeration thinking about it. Tonight, Louis will make his decision. I’m not sure I can handle an idea such as losing him. 

I let him take me a short few hours ago. I can still feel the burn, feel how he stretched me out to create a pleasurable burn for me to feel today. He even said he felt close to me, but not enough to make him stay and fight. The thought of that breaks my heart. I guess I can’t comprehend it. - Maybe I’m pathetic, but he’s always been my everything. I’ve tried to be his, but I’ve never been good enough.

Oh fuck, here comes the tears. Please don’t look at me like that...like THAT. Like you’re afraid I’m going to drown in a puddle of my own tears. Don’t worry about me, this story is about Louis. I can’t help that my body is shaking and the tears are splashing out of my eyes. I’m trying so hard to hold it in because he’s sleeping so peacefully, but I can’t. The more I try, the harder they are falling.

“Hazzy?” Louis stirs awake. Fuck me. I knew that would happen. I’m a failure.

“Shh,” I soothe him. “Go back to sleep, Lou.”

“But the boat is leaking on my face,” He wipes his cheeks, before darting up. “....that’s you! Harry, what’s wrong?” 

“Nothing Lou,” I kiss the top of his head. “Nothing, okay? It’s still early. Let’s get some more rest.”

Louis weakly places his index finger on my lips, tugging at my bottom one and hushing me. He manuvers himself deeper into my chest, placing one hand under my side and the other wrapped around my back. He’s rubbing small circles weakly, trying to make me feel better, I know. “Talk to me,” he coaches.

“We made love,”  
“No, we didn’t,” He dismisses. “Harry, is that why you’re crying?”

“Louis, we did. I don’t want to lose anymore pieces of you to this darkness,” 

“Harry, listen,” Louis lets go of me and sits up, his blue eyes tired, fragile. “I love you so much. You’re my best-friend….but…..”

I sit up, too, frantically nodding my head in disagreement. “No, Louis. We are more than best-friends now. I told you, you’re my soulmate. I need you!”

“I’m right here,” He whispered. “Harry, stop. Please, stop. You promised me we could have no strings attached.” It’s almost as if he’s pleading. I begin to nervously tangle my curls around my hair. 

“I’m going to go and get some breakfast,” I shoot up, looking for my clothes like the boat is on fire. 

“Wait on me!” He calls out, trying to match my pace, but I’m already walking toward the door trying to slip on my shoes. 

I halfway close the door, my voice cracking as I try to tell Louis to stay put. “Please, Louis. Please don’t follow me.” 

Before I hear the clicking of the door shutting, I feel arms around me. Louis is sobbing in my arms in front of our room. “Please, don’t leave me alone!”

“What is it then, Louis, huh?” I ask, anger clearly in my voice now as I pushed us both back inside the Cabin to spare the other passengers a scene. “Is it because I’m taller than you?”

“What?” He ask caught off guard.

“Why you can’t bring yourself to like me. Is it because I’m too tall? Am I too demanding for you, Louis? Is it because I’ve given up everything to make sure you’re okay? Do you hate me, Louis? Do you hate the fact that your best-friend is in love with you?”

“Harry….”

“Oh, I know! It’s because you want to die and I keep saving you, over and over again. You hate me for that, don’t you? You want me to leave you alone, and instead, I take you to Paris, make endless love to you, and tell you how amazing you are everyday instead of filling your head with that trash you tell yourself.” I put my hand on Louis’ shoulder for only a second. “Lou, I can’t do this anymore. I have to go.”

Louis began to throw things out of his suitcase, on a mission to find something. I kept asking him what he was doing, my instincts already knowing, but he was too focused on his task at hand.

I edge closer to him when I see it: his art kit. He removes the buckles and reveals his shiny X-acto knife. “Louis.”

“The only time I felt anything lately is when I was with you. It’s why all I can do is cry. I can’t even function or hardly move my body, just cry. You can’t walk away from me!” He is becoming hysterical. I’ve only seen him like this a handful of times, which is enough to know what he’s going to do.

Louis is pushing the blade against his bare thigh. He’s faintly tracing the artery that travels up his left leg to his heart, not adding pressure just yet. “I just cry because I have no words to explain how it feels to be flooded with emotions, to feel you inside of me, or me inside you; my body tightening up, my heart beating so fast. I am not good with words, Harry. Maybe you should leave.”

I carefully glide toward him, reaching him just in time as I placed both my hands over his. He instantly falls on his knees, sobbing. I am tired in more ways than one. My heart aches, my eyes sting. I am not so sure that I’m not losing my mind, too. I kick the blade out of reach, and carefully hold Louis.

I pick him up, putting him back in the bed, holding him as he tries to push away from me, at least make it seem like he was pushing himself away. He’s in my chest, sobbing, clawing at his thighs with his fingernails. His tears are catching on my pecs, staining my cross necklace. 

It isn’t until an hour later when he finally falls asleep that I decide to walk away. I leave him a text saying where he can find his concert ticket and head out of the room. My destination is the bar, of course. God, I am so upset. 

I sit down in front of the bartender. He’s cute, I’ll give him that, but he has a wedding ring. Everyone has someone else except for me. I spent way too much time chasing after my best-friend. What was I even thinking? He’s my best-friend, that’s it! We opened Pandora’s Box. There’s no going back! 

“Whatcha drinking?” A man sits down beside of me. He has a triangle tattoo on his ring finger. 

I adjust my cross necklace. “Um...not sure,” I answer honestly. “Haven’t ordered yet.”

He’s a brunette with blue eyes. They’re darker than Louis, tethering on more green color actually. He’s built, his biceps defined. He’s dressed in upscale attire.

“I like your headscarf,” He says trying to touch my scarf.

“Thanks,” I smile. “Louis picked it out for me.”

“Your boyfriend?” He questions disappointed. “Surely, you’re not single.”

“Best-friend,” I correct him. “And I am.” 

 

“Il aura un 'Kir Royal', Leon. Coup supplémentaire.” [He will have an Kir Royal, Leon. Extra shot] He smiles at me. “You seem like a black currant, bubbly type of man. My name is Gabriel, by the way.”

“Harry,” I stick my hand out. 

“What brings you to the beautiful city of Paris?” He gazes into my eyes.

“Um….” I clear my throat. “I wanted to take Louis somewhere special. What about you?”

“You sure you’re just friends? You have a love bite right there,” He runs his thumb down the vein on my neck. “I am a CEO of one of the fashion shows here. Vivienne Westwood...maybe you've heard of the brand…” The bartender slides our drinks over. “Merci beaucoup.”

I nod. I have heard of the brand. “I should go and check on Louis.”

“Where is he?” Gabriel interrogates. 

“I gotta go…thanks for the drink.”

“Wait! One dance. That’s all I want. You look so upset, Harry.”

I sigh. He’s right. I am pretty sad. “Okay,” I agree.

“That’s the spirit,” He chirps. 

He motions someone to turn down the lights. Our bodies sway to the music. He grabs ahold of my waist, spinning me around as I hold my drink in one hand, sipping with a straw, and his shoulder with another. My goal coming here was to get tipsy, and I’m not going to let someone get in the way of that.

 

Three drinks later, I’m sloppily hanging all over Gabriel. There’s still a drink in my hand, and my other arm is resting around his shoulder. We are face to face, almost breathing the same air. “Fun!” I slur.

“Very,” he hums. 

“What time is it?” I ask, suddenly realizing I have a concert to get to.

“1600 hours,” He informs me (4:00 p.m.)

Oh, that’s it? I have plenty of time to let this guy woo me. He’s doing a good job. Maybe it’s his dazzling smile, but it’s probably the alcohol. Even I know that. Then again, I can blame this on my inability to cope with Louis. I am in love with a man who considers me a friend. I am in love with a man who hates himself. I am in love with a man who wants to jump from the Eiffel Tower at midnight.

“So…” I say as the song ends, trying to fill the silence.

“Leon! 2 Grand Marniers, S'il vous plaît,” he snaps his fingers. “You’re a chef, right? You’ll love this one. It’s popular in desserts. Best to drink straight, no chaser.”

I nod. Of course I know what Grand Marnier is. I use it to make Louis french toast sometimes. Alyssa likes to put it in Pecan Pie.

As I tilt my head back to drink the liquor, Leon begins to play with the buttons on my blouse. I flutter my eyelashes at him. The chemistry in the room is humid, suffocating me, making my throat dry - making me thirsty for something.

“I’m on the upper deck,” he blurts out. “Come check out my room.”

I bite my bottom lip in anticipation as I grab his hand. We make our way out into the hallway. He’s clutching onto my waist, trying to keep me upright as I stumble over my feet. My boots feel heavy, and time is slowing down.

We somehow make it up to his room, which is much larger than mine and Louis may I add. Everything about it seems upgraded somehow. Even the sheets feel nicer on my skin, smooth as silk.

He waste no time completing his task of unfastening my buttons, exposing my chest. I see his greedy eyes admiring my butterfly tattoo. Yeah, Gabriel, I like that one too. He doesn’t know that Louis has the complimentary piece to it “It is what it is,” written in script. God, I can’t stop thinking about him!

Anyway, he’s feverishly kissing me, pushing me on my back as he tries to undo the button on my jeans. I moan slightly as I feel the crisp air graze over my groin.

“I was really hoping I’d find someone with a face like yours on this Cruise Ship,” He breathes into my mouth.

I nod, speechless. I can’t stop thinking about Louis. I want to be where he lays. Why am I thinking about him right now? 

I now notice I’m stuck in some insanity cycle. Everytime I get upset with Louis, I go and find someone to be intimate with. Last time it was Andreas, and this time Gabriel. Then, there was the guy at the dance club where he found Absinthe, the sleazeball. I know I’m not perfect, but this is ridiculous. 

“Gabriel, wait,” I request as he immediately stills his hands from sliding down my boxers. “I need a second, Dizzy,” I lie. “Where’s your restroom?”

He points to the left, sighing. 

I thank him, grabbing my phone out of my jeans as I open my camera. I snap a quick photo sending it to Louis. There’s something wrong with me. I know he’s in a frail state of mind, but I’m being selfish - hoping I can make him jealous. I know he doesn’t love me the way I love him, and I shouldn’t care, but I do. God, I do!

Harry: *Selfie*  
Harry: I know you’re asleep but I’m not.  
Louis: *typing*

Wait, fuck. He’s awake.

Louis: *Picture*

*Incoming Call From LouBear*

“Hello?” I smirk.

“Hey,” his voice sounds weak.

“What’s going on?” I ask casually.

“Don’t, Harry.” 

“Don’t what?” I ask innocent, a tinge of devious in my voice.

“Can you come to our room?” 

“I’m busy, Lou.” This is getting awkward.

“Please, Hazzy.” His voice is pleading. He’s calling me Hazzy. Something is wrong with him. 

“Later,” I say, my thumb on the end button.

“IreallywannaseeEdSheeranbutIamafraidofhurtingmyselfandnotmakingit,” He breathes.

“Slow down, Lou. What?” I heard him. Even though he was speaking fast, I understood every word.

“I’m such a fuck up, Harry. You’re right. I’m so sorry. I’ll leave you alone. I take too much of your time as it is. You deserve to have fun with someone,” Louis pulls away. I can hear his voice cracking. “It’s okay, okay?”

“Wait! Louis! Wait! Don’t hang up! I’ll be right there!” I shimmy on my jeans, grab my blouse, not bothering to button it back up. I run out of the bathroom. Gabriel grabs me by the waist.

“Whoa there tiger,” he laughs.

“Louis….” I frantically say.

“Will be fine.”

“You don’t understand! Please let me go! I’ll pay you for the drinks,” I plead.

“Never even met the guy, but I can see this little game of cat and mouse playing out,” he sighs. “That’s too bad, Harry. You’re such a catch. Au revoir.” 

I thank him and leave, running down the stairs. What game of cat and mouse is he talking about? I don’t understand. I don’t understand anything. Why is Louis is broken? Why can’t I help him no matter how hard I try?

I am almost there. I find my key card and burst through the door. Louis has my old tattered scarf tied around his neck, trying to tie it to the railing outside of our window. Before he can complete this task, I rush over to him. 

“I’m sorry,” he cries. “Harry, please!” 

I quickly remove the scarf, throwing it overboard. I am afraid the image will be engraved in my mind forever, just like all the other times I’ve seen him try to take his life. Pills, self-mutilation, hanging...I’m sure there were other ways over the years that I don’t even know about. Was that car wreck he had when he was 17 really an accident?

“I wrote you something,” He blurts out. “But you’re drunk.”

“No, I’m not!” I fight back. “Louis, I’ve been drinking but I’m not drunk, okay? What did you write for me?”

“I want to read it outloud and I just want to sit in your lap, okay?” He ask as I pat my left thigh. “Okay, please don’t interrupt. I’m not good with words.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not satisfied with this chapter. I'm trying to portray that prolonged stress like what Harry is under begin to affect your own mental health. Even though Louis has the diagnosis, Harry's own afflictions are beginning to surface. This story is almost over! *Gasp* I appreciate all the feedback. Thank you so much :)


	21. #21

Louis hands are shaking. His legs are dangling from my lap, his feet tapping at my ankles. I am swiveling him in the chair, of course, waiting for him to read what he wrote. 

“I’m sorry. I feel naked sharing this,” He admits. 

“We’ve shared everything our entire lives, Lou. Do you want me to read it?” I offer as I play with the baby hairs on the back of his neck. 

“Please?” 

“Okay,” I remove the paper from his hands and begin to recite the words. 

_There is no more enthusiasm inside my world. All I can see are shades of grey, perhaps a mixture of black, red, and white. They say that black is the absence of color, but if that were true, why does it appear everywhere I go? Black. Darkness. Trapped. Isolated. Alone. Yeah, that’s me._ _My sunlight left long ago. I am screaming so loud but nobody can hear me. The Earth is moving beneath my feet, but it makes me dizzy. I can force my muscles to move, but they feel heavy. I can twist my lips into a smile, but it’s my soul cries out for comfort._  
My world paused itself and never quite caught back up with real-time. I’m stuck out of sync with everyone around me. I’ve tried to fake the good times because people I love, well they’re done with me, frustrated. All too often I’ve heard their pleas to get better like it’s a choice. If I try hard enough, just maybe, MAYBE, it’ll cure itself. I just need a hobby, right? Set some goals, keep myself busy. Ignore the exhaustion, they say. They sympathize, but will never understand.  
I wish it were a choice, something I can do away with as I please. It is a soul eating infection that consumed all my happy cells until I was left left with nothing but that black solitary darkness. - Darkness until the infrared rays invade my senses.  
_The first time I saw red, I knew this was the only way to feel alive. My skin peeled back, layer after layer, revealing signs of blood pumping in my veins. It was a reminder that yes - my heart was still beating. The pain kindled the idea that I deserved this. The stinging let me know I was still worthless, and the scars never let me forget._  
_I opened my skin, seeing galaxies inside of my own body. Galaxies I knew I wanted to explore. Galaxies that were uncharted._  
Then there is white, my Hazzy. He’s a rose colored petal that has yet to wilt because he doesn’t know how to be nothing short of perfect, pretty, resilient. Will he think I took it all for granted? Our friendship. Will my family think the same? I’m quite aware of the blessing he has bestowed on my life. He’s a crown jewel in a world of rhinestones, and he shines so bright in my eyes. He shines like a emerald prism.  
_I’ve worn him down, haven’t I? He was on the shore watching me drown so long, reaching out his hand, but I never could grab it. The tide is beginning to rise, and I feel like he’s going under too. Those crinkles by his eyes? I think I gave those to him. I’ve watched his emerald eyes turn ebony. The black tainting the white, seeping into its purity._  
As we lay in the black, sullen darkness, our bodies weaved together, no words to be said, the black begins to fade away. The red suddenly feels like a flutter, my heart aching for him to hold me closer. _The scars are under his hand as he squeezes my thigh, and I can feel the pumping accumulate to the scars, wanting to be under the warmth of his touch. We become one in this moment, and behind my eyes, white. Until I go to sleep, that is._  
Night terrors, they call them. I can see shadows from a weary past. I can never feel safe. I can never feel rested. The color of charcoal these are, and they consume me. Even when I’m in his arms, I am haunted by these ghost. Night terrors, nightmares, sleepless nights.  
_& there I am complaining again. There I am contemplating off the Eiffel Tower. There I am longing for a solution. There I am, but there I’m not. If I ended it all, would you be happy I was at peace? Would you love me so unconditionally that you could let me go? Would you love me enough to come with me? The world is grey, filled with nothing but anguish. Will you at least kiss me as I fall?_

____

____

I watch as Louis folds his paper, his cheeks stained with tears. He buries his head in my chest. “I told you I’m not good with words.” 

“This is your….suicide note?” I furrow my brows in confusion. “Louis, I don’t understand!” I swallow thickly in my throat, My mouth feels so dry. I want to formulate words, but I just can’t. I can’t, and I want to. I want to give Louis the affirmation he is seeking. Yet, my mind is fixated on his irrationality. “You want me to jump with you?”

“I don’t know….you were with someone, Harry. I saw you! At the bar!” 

“We’re not going to talk about that right now. You can’t just ask me to read your suicide note and change the subject. Louis, look at me,” I put my hand under his chin. “If I told you I was in love with you, would you still want to jump?” Louis tucked his lips between his teeth. 

“Don’t say things you don’t mean, Harry,” He warned. 

My voice is shaking. “I’m not. You’re more than my soulmate! I am in love with you. Louis, look at me. I am IN LOVE with you,” I squeeze his hand. “Have been for a long time. When you say things like you want to jump, want me to jump with you, and that you saw me at the bar, I become very confused, I guess?” I say almost question-like.

“You shouldn’t,” He dismisses.

“But I do.” I say calmly, even though my anxiety is at a 10 right now. “We can talk about this later in depth, but right now, we need to go to the concert.” 

“Okay,” He replies, getting off me. “So, you understand that I want to jump?” 

“I understand you want to jump.” 

“And you’re...okay...with it?” He hesitates as he ask. 

“We’ll talk about it after the concert, okay?” I walk over to our belongings, trying to find us both outfits to wear. “Come on. Let’s get good seats.” 

Louis beams at me, his mood suddenly changing. “So, the guy at the bar was…?” 

“I just needed a distraction, Lou. We can finish this conversation on the way to the concert hall,” I grab his hand and pull him along. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

By the time we got down to the foyer, the place was packed with sweaty bodies. Louis has officially turned on his flamboyance tonight, though, and is pushing us to the front since there are no assigned seats or row numbers. 

“Thanks so much for taking me here,” Louis suddenly says, turning around toward me. “I’ve had a lot of fun.” 

“Me too,” I reply. “Glad you’ve enjoyed it.” “

Good evening,” Ed Sheeran comes out with his guitar draped across his back. “I’d like to thank you for coming to my show tonight in this lovely city. I know there’s a million other things you could be doing, but you’ve chosen to spend the night with me. Let’s make this worth your while, eh?” He suggest as he begins to strum _You Need Me, I Don’t Need You._

Louis appears to be having the time of his life, cheering with the crowd and swaying to the music. He’s pressing into my back, letting me control his movements as we act silly. I try and focus too, but my mind is too clouded with what to do. The Cruise Ship will be moving to the Eiffel Tower as the concert is happening. We’re going to get off the boat and sight see. I’ve officially ran out of time. 

An hour has passed and I didn’t even realize it. If that doesn’t give you an indication of how hard I’ve been thinking about this, I’m not sure what it is. My heart feels like a hummingbird flapping its wings on a windy day, trying to push through the resistance of the weather. 

“This next song, I wrote back in 2011. I hope you enjoy it,” 

_Settle down with me_  
Cover me up  
Cuddle me in  
Lie down with me  
And hold me in your arms 

“I love this song,” He looks back at me, grabbing my hands and putting them around his waist. “Dance with me, Hazzy.” 

His voice snaps me out of my thoughts like a siren calling to me. I look down at him, watching as he is mumbling the lyrics with his eyes closed, pushing more into me. I recognize this song. We’ve listened to it a lot over the years. 

I softly put my lips up to his ear and begin to sing along, humming the words softly. _And your heart's against my chest, your lips pressed in my neck_  
I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet  
And with a feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now 

He’s turning his face in my direction staring at me, his eyes lingering on my lips. Maybe that’s what I want to see. Maybe it’s just an illusion, but his eyes look pleading. It’s as if he’s trying to ask me a question, but can’t formulate the words. I smile at him. My body is on fire like a bomb exploding in the field, shrapnel blasting in my heart.  


_Kiss me like you wanna be loved_  
You wanna be loved  
You wanna be loved  
This feels like falling in love  
Falling in love  
We're falling in love  
Settle down with me  
And I'll be your safety  
You'll be my lady  
I was made to keep your body warm  
But I'm cold as the wind blows so hold me in your arms 

“Hazzy,” He turns all the way around and cups my face with his hands. He’s standing on his tiptoes, reaching up. I can feel him breathing on my lips. It’s a faint breath, like a dim candle trying to muster its last energy before it runs out of wick. He’s reluctant, I can tell. I can see confusion written all over his face. “In love?” 

“In love,” I reassure him as I bring our lips together. He grabs my face in return. I don’t know if we’re drawing attention or not, but I don’t care. The world is ours right now, and it’s stopped spinning. Beneath my feet, I feel a meadow. I can see burst of lighting behind my eyes, a sweet symphony singing in my ears. 

“Even when I was 15 and went through that emo phase and wore black eyeliner?” He asked as he pulls our lips apart. 

“Especially then,” I smile. “You’ve never had a bad phase.” 

“Even when I dropped out of Uni?” 

“I took care of you, didn’t I?” I fondly retorted. 

“I - I…” He crashes our lips together again. This time, he has one hand resting on my waistline, the other tangled in my hair. I press into him, dipping him lowly as I kiss him with so much adoration and love, that I may burst at my seams. 

I can faintly hear Ed continue to sing, a monologue as he finishes the song about love being love and we shouldn't judge anyone. I smile and hum into Louis’ mouth. 

“You’re my stars in this dark sky,” Louis suddenly says as he pulls away. 

“If you can see stars in your sky, why would you want to destroy yourself?” I ask as he turns back around, eyes focused back on the concert. 

I can see him rubbing his scars on his wrist, trying to soothe anxiety, I guess? Tears are splashing on my hands. My heart breaking as fast as it was full. 

I rock us both back and forth, swaying to Ed’s slow song sequence. I kiss the top of Louis’ head, so delicately that he probably didn’t even feel it. What he doesn’t understand is I’ll do anything to save him, even if means I will spend an eternity with him mad at me. “Excuse me,” I mutter in his ear. It pains me to release him from my arms, but I have to step out for a minute and make a phone call. I can feel him looking back at me, pouting and wondering where I’m going. “It’s okay. I promise I’ll be right back. Take videos for me!” 

I step out into the hallway, my brow pooling with sweat. I may lose Louis forever, but it’s a paradox because I am going to lose him anymore. I guess I’d rather have a chance and have him hate me forever than to lose him to depression. 

Sometimes, I think we must make a choice that may not be black and white. There is grey in the world, and it is my hope that Louis can find it again. It is my hope that Louis finds his happiness, even it means he’ll hate me forever. 

He’s a fallen angel - lost, lament, and lethargic. His wings are broken, but he’s still beautiful, bold, and breathtaking. I can see him lively sometimes - like when he went on the Tinder dates or when he wanted me to watch him sleep. Making love to him, I seen it in his eyes. I seen the way he looked at me, almost as if he loved me back. His cheeks were stained with tears, more than a weeping willow on a rainy day. If he has nothing to live for, why was he crying? 

If he has nothing to live for, why did I feel his fire burning inside the both of us? 

“Ligne d'urgence Comment puis-je vous aider?” (Emergency line. How can I help you?) 

“I need to report a suicide plan, I guess. My friend is in crisis.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think is going to happen?


	22. #22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 28 Anniversary! Keep Larrying on! <3 
> 
> This chapter contains smut but you don't have to read it. You can skip through that part if you want. It's kinda important though to the story so you may be confused if you don't read it.

I know Louis hadn’t had a single drop of alcohol today, but he’s acting tipsy nonetheless. I suppose it’s the adrenaline high of going to a concert. He’s swaying our hands two-and-fro and using me to hold himself steady as we walk back to our Cabin.

“So we’re almost to the Eiffel Tower,” he points out. “While you were gone, Ed Sheeran announced that we were about two hours away. That was an hour ago.”

I look down at him. “Is that so? That’ll be a sight to see!” I humor him. “We need to take a picture in front of it.”

“We do,” he agreed. 

We walk into the room, still buzzing from the concert. My heart is racing as fast as a deer galloping through the meadow. I am trying to hide my anxiety. I don’t want Louis to ask questions. I can’t lie to him, and I don’t want him to know what I’ve done. He’s going to hate me as it is. I need one last moment with him, at least. 

Settle down with me  
Cover me up  
Cuddle me in  
Lie down with me  
And hold me in your arms

“Excuse me, what? I can’t hear you,” Louis giggled as he removed his beret and put it lazily on the edge of the bed. 

I continue to hum the tune to ‘Kiss Me’ as I inched closer to him, just like in the concert. I spun him around gracefully until he was standing in front of me, our eyes locking. He wrapped his arms around me, embracing me tightly. It was nice to be the one that was held for once. Sometimes, I need comforted too, even by the man who is breaking my soul.

“Paris is over when we wake up in the morning,” He says, face still buried in my chest. “When you wake up in the morning.”  
“Louis, let’s not talk about things like that. It leads to nothing but dead end conversations.”

“I’m glad I have a best friend who understands my agony and doesn’t want me to suffer anymore. I mean, I know you’ll miss me, but it means so much to me that you understand,” He states calmly. 

“I was made to keep your body warm but I’m as cold as the wind blows so hold me in your arms,” I recite, ignoring his justification for his suicidal thoughts. 

It’s probably going to be the most selfish thing I’ve ever done - crave Louis’ skin at a time like this. If he is going to hate me, I want to have a memory of him, a fond one to add to my collection. I want him to feel me on his skin, too, remember a time when I did love him. 

“Your voice always made me slow down and listen,” Louis looks up at me, his finger brushing against my bottom lip. Before he can move it away, I kiss his fingertips. “And you always did little things like that to keep me alive.”

“You have too, Louis. Every time you kissed me to keep others away, I swear I could fly. I love you so much,” I promised. “But I hate that you’re going through this. We’re almost to the Eiffel Tower and you have plans to jump.”

“I’m tired of swimming against the current, Harry. This depression is tugging at my feet, pulling me down into its hell, and I have used all my energy to try and dig my way out,” He pleas. “Even if you bring a little sunlight in my life.” 

“You bring a lot of sunlight into my life,” I put my hands on his shoulders, slowly laying him on the bed. “I can’t stop thinking about what has happened here. I can never let you go, Louis. I’ve never been able to.”

“You’re going to make me emotional again, Harry. I don’t want to cry anymore,” He sits back up. “I’m at peace with my decision. You should be too. You promised me if I came with you and it didn’t cure me, I could. You’ve never broken a promise to me,” He points out, painfully so.

“Then let me promise to always take care of you, Louis. I always have, haven’t I? I love you even when you can’t get off my couch, or I have to lay with you in the floor and you don’t know who I am. I love you when you are so depressed, you haven’t showered in days and you do nothing but cry in your bed. I love you when you are irritated, as grumpy as a sleepy kitten. I will always take care of you, as long as you let me, anyway,” I get down on my knees in front of him, putting my head in his lap. “Can’t you love me back and stay?’

I rest my head on his thigh as he runs his fingers through my hair. It’s soothing, the way he’s intertwining my ringlets around his fingers but tugging all the same. 

“You don’t want to jump with me? You said you’d always be with me,” Louis pouts, staring at the wall, his hand stills. “I can’t live in a world where you’re not in it, even the afterlife. I want to be with you always.” 

I stand up, putting my knees on the mattress. It lets out a small creaking sounds as I shift my weight on top of Louis. I put my palms on either side of him, our chest colliding together. 

“And your heart's against my chest, your lips pressed in my neck, I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet, And with a feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now,” I thrum in his ear. “I’m in love now,” I repeat as I lustfully watch his adam’s apple bob up and down. 

“I’d want nothing more than to spend my last hour on Earth doing this with you,” Louis admits softly, a tear already staining his cheek.

I grip the hem of his shirt, removing it slowly as I run my hand up and down his torso - no purpose but to feel his delicate skin between my fingers. “Love me back,” I retort, continuing my task of removing all his clothing.  
He draw a deep breath, almost a pained one. It’s shaky and inconsistent, but it radiates wanting vibes. He swathing my neck around his arms, pulling me closer to his face. Our lips meet, collide. Stars. A galaxy of stars like in his note. I’m floating into space. I’m an astronaut with no gravity, and Louis is the moon I want to explore.  


Out of subconscious, I glance down at his thighs. There is a whole new litter of cuts on both thighs. Vertical, horizontal, and crossed over, they speak a language I don’t understand. It’s almost as if they are letting the world know how numb he is, or how fragile, or how teetering over the edge he’s become. I don’t even know when he sneaks and does this to himself. It’s just more proof that I can’t help like I want to.

“Don’t look,” He notices. 

I ignore him, thumbing each one as he shifts around uncomfortably. “Please stop looking at them.”

“Tell me about them,” I kiss the skin beside one of them as I clumsily remove my shirt and jeans at the same time, one handed. “When and why did you do this one?” 

He lets out a breathy sigh, almost a pleasurable one again as he opens his mouth to speak, but goes silent as I kiss all over his thighs, devouring each piece of flesh that my lips can reach. 

“I, uh. Guilty. I saw pain your eyes. Felt guilty,” He moans as I blow hot air on the cut. 

“And this one?” I kiss beside a different cut. It looks deeper, angry. 

“Felt guilty again. Mom was crying on the phone,” He’s sinking his teeth deep into his bottom lip as I rake my tongue in a maze-like state, avoiding the cuts and licking up his thighs, kissing each one of his hip bones. 

“Tell me about one more of your choice,” I move my head over to the other thigh. He glances down, our eyes meeting for a second as he analyzes his cuts.

“I did this one this morning,” He grabs my hand and let’s me feel of the broken skin. “Because I tried to match feeling as alive as I did with you.”

My face softens, lust fading away. I sit on my knees, my feet folded beneath me as I gaze into his eyes, doing nothing but smiling at him. He has tears on his waterline, one starting to wiggle its way down and splashing into the corner of his mouth.

“I love you so much,” I confess again. “Will you love me too?” I ask but I don’t let him reply. 

This kiss is different in ways that maybe words will never be able to capture. Our tongues are like two Swallows fluttering their wings together. I sit on the bed and pick Louis up and place him on my lap, keeping our lips attached. He is putting his legs on either side of me, and God, do you feel that? It’s the feeling of being on a natural high that I’m not quite sure I’ll ever feel again. Can you smell that? It’s the aroma of craving and beauty, floral and cedar - sugar and spice. 

His groin is rocking up and down on top of mine as he deepens our kiss. His fingers are still entangled in my hair, like he has me handcuffed to his hand with my hair. My hair is a rope and his hands are an anchor, keeping us together. 

“Harry,” He pants in my mouth. “I’m not afraid to jump. I’m afraid that you won’t be with me when I do.”

“I’ll always be with you,” I purr as I flip him over, pushing his thighs open more. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” He can’t see me. He’s trying to fish for my hand to cling to as I tease him with my fingers. I’m not pushing in, not just yet. I’m trying to blindly complete my own task of finding the materials we need to make this as comfortable as possible.

“No, don’t.” He catches on. “Health check at Dr. Horans. I promise. I want to feel you. I trust you.” He stills my hand with his.

“You sure?” I ask. “I mean, I know I’m clean too. I’d love to feel you - really feel you,” I blush and he nods with consent. “You’re so, so, so beautiful, Louis. You’re a piece of art,” I coo as I place my fingers in his mouth, letting him suck until he’s satisfied. “One I’d stare at all day if you let me.”

Tears trickle down his face as he releases my fingers out of his mouth. “Harry.”

“I mean it,” I reassure him. I circle my finger around his rim, pushing in slightly as I settle myself back on the mattress, nibbling at the spot just about his collarbone that makes him squirm. He’s softly arching his back. I think the universe gave me these long arms so I can do this very task. I put my fingers back in his mouth as I continue to kiss on his neck. Fleshy goosebumps forms on his skin, making the texture bumpy. 

Without narrating to him, I insert another finger. What he doesn’t know is how turned on I get just by kissing him, much less anticipating the fact that I can make him squirm with just a finger. The fact that he says this makes him feel something and takes his pain away for a little while. It’s the natural endorphins he needs, and I get so needy to give it to him.

He holds onto my arm, nonverbally telling me to pull out. I do so, kissing him frantically. He sits up for a second, taking my length into his hand and guiding it to his mouth. Not hesitating, he begins to bob up and down on my shaft, taking me in entirely.

“Mmm, Lou. Feels good,” I encourage him. He’s looking up at me. His pupils have already darkened. He says words, but I can’t make them out. 

I need to take a picture of this if he’ll let me. It’s the way his cheekbones are prominent as he hallows himself around me. It’s the way his eyes look like they’re breathing for this moment. It's the way he makes me feel - my nervous system connecting every pleasurable signal it has. 

With a loud pop off, he looks up at me and lays back down. His thighs fall carelessly open. I steady myself with his knees, bending down to kiss him as I push in slowly, stalling as I feel his heat around me. 

I lean forward and kiss away his tears, making his cheeks look glossy in the moonlight. He looks embarrassed. “It’s okay to cry, Lou.”

“I don’t know why I get so emotional,” He confesses as he looks away from me. His eyes are focusing on the wall. 

“I’m emotional too. I love you. Can’t you love me?” I repeat my question of the night.

“Our last time,” He whines as he grips my love handles trying to push me forward. I dryly push my way into him until I’ve exhausted all my length. I stay perfectly still as he lets out small puffs of air, trying to calm his nervous system down no doubt. 

“Hurt too much? I can go and get the lu…” I try to pull away but he holds me tighter. 

“No, Harry. We don’t need it,” He dismisses my idea. “You can move,” He says with a smile. 

I softly guide his face to mine, wanting to look at him as I begin to move. His mouth falls open, and his voice seems shaky as he moans in the darkness. The darkness that he is afraid of. The darkness that consumes him. I hope he truly means I bring the light.

I jolt my hips inside of him, nibbling on his ear as his hands explore my spine, my ribs, my love handles. His nails are scratching my back, crimson marks beginning to form. He’s getting lost, his eyes unfocusing, and his voice an octave higher than usual.  
My ego wants to hear him give me feedback. I can’t help it. It’s a character flaw I’ve learned to live with, or is it an insecurity?  
“Good?”

“Yes!’ He squeaked. As he speaks, his lips quiver. I kiss away his anxiety, making him shiver beneath me. His hands hold onto my hips, guiding me to the spot he’s been chasing - at least I think so. “Good for you?”

“Always good for me. I love you,” I Kiss him deeply. “So much.” 

“Do you want me to choke you?” He ask as he moves his hand from my back to my throat.

“I don’t need anything special to get off on you, Lou,” I look at him. “You’re enough.” I hope he hears me, really hears me.

His temperature is rising. My body is aching for release. I can feel it building up inside me, tightening my core. The way my entire shaft drags across him is more than enough. I have the need to come, but I want this moment to last. Louis wants to end his life tonight. I can’t just let go on that thought.

“You know what I’ve always loved about you?” He breathes out. I say no in an amused tone as he opens his mouth to speak but moans instead. “Harry, don’t stop!” He begs. “I've always loved these,” he pokes at my dimples, raising up his upper half to kiss both of them.

I melt at the sensation. “Let me love you,” I implore.

“Let me love you,” He pierces through my soul, flipping us over. His stomach moves in circles, bouncing on my prick fast and gentle. He’s using his abs to roll his lips around me. I can hardly sit up. 

His lips are exploring my inner ear. It usually feels dirty, wet, and invaded. With Louis, right in this moment, it feels natural and soothing.

“We can spend forever just like this,” Louis purrs as he slows down his pace. His body is still around me, both of us chasing love instead of the explosion. “Would you like that?”

“Always,” I close my eyes and tilt my head back as Louis tongue roams all over my neck and tugs at my curls.

My release is still pooling, but I want this to last. “Want to be inside you more,” I growl as I pick him up - keeping our bodies connected. I gently put his back against the wall as he locks his ankle around my waist.

“Mmm,” Louis pants. He is holding onto my neck weakly as his head bangs against the wall, eyes rolling back involuntarily.  
.  
He is so close. The way his hard length is getting needed attention as it is rubbed between our stomach is enough to let me know. The way his face is contorted into silent murmurs as his teeth sink deep into his lip is letting me know.

“Headscarf,” he mutters.

“Yeah?” I ask as he nods. I continue to thrust into him, delicately 

My eyes dart around the room as I find the headscarf and walk us over to the fabric. Louis unlocks his ankles and gets off of me, picking the expensive material off the floor.  
.  
I fondly watch as he wraps the scarf around my wrist, then his own. “Mine.”

I run my fingers over his coarse skin, feeling new cuts just like in his thigh. “The scarf will probably reopen these,” I point out. Louis uses his free hand to shush me.

“Need you,” he whispers. 

I fall on my knees, sucking him off for a second. It is music to my ears to hear that he isn't lying. The need is desperate In his voice. He is pulling me back up, kissing me before his stomach collides with the bed.

“Need you” he repeats, putting himself on display for me. 

I spit on my hand, getting wet and filthy as I rock back into him, peppering his back with kisses as I use my free hand to hold us steady. 

My pace quickens as my endorphins invade my senses, taking over my control. The scarf is sliding up and down his wrist, pink skin beneath it. I can't live him hurting so I am gonna untie it.

“Yes, Harry,” he whines, blindly giving me his hands to hold onto. I use them to grind into him, our orgasm building. “Feel so...you are….ah!”

“I love you, Lou,” I hum into his back as he looks over his shoulder at me.

His pupils are darting between my lips and my neck, a smiling creeping on his lips. “I'm in love with you, Harry Styles.” 

It is like a gunshot misfired in my proximity. The ringing in my ears is blocking out all other sounds. My body is convulsing, sporadic movements pushing into Louis. He calls me white, but it is I seeing it now. He cries but it is I who is sobbing as my body shoots its bullet into him as I continue to kiss his back.  
.  
“Oh my, fu…” he breathlessly sighs as he turns himself over, his own orgasm releasing on his stomach as I nibble on his thigh to help him through it. Hes tugging my curls weakly as his body jolts around before completely stilling.

“I love you,” he repeats, turning over on his side.

“This is your captain speaking. We after coming upon the Eiffel Tower. There will be a one hour time limit before the cruise sets sail again.” There are so many translators over the intercom, but I got the jist of the conversation. 

Louis is turning over, his hand resting behind his head as he stares at the ceiling. I join him, my hands folded on top of my chest. 

“Do you think it’ll hurt?” He blurts out. “It can’t hurt as much as living in this hell everyday, right?” 

“You don’t have to go through this,” I say as I turn my face toward him. “Aren’t you happy with me? Laying here with me?”

“We are approaching the tower,” The captain announced. 

“I’m...I feel things laying here with you, Harry, but I also feel bad things too. I feel everything. You promised that you’d let me go. Will you jump with me?” He ask. “I’m sorta scared.”

I’d do anything for Louis, and he knows it, I assume. We just shared one of the most intimate moments of my life. He just told me he was in love with me. Does he mean it or is the natural endorphins that Dr. Horan so desperately wanted him to have? 

I am a slave to an insane man. I am but a fish trying to swim away from a whirlpool, but I’m continuously trapped. I see the blue sky above me - crystal eyes. Louis’ blue eyes hold me captive, keep me a slave to his endless friendship and longing. 

“We are docking for the Hop-On, Hop-Off experience. Enjoy!” 

I’ve waited 10 days for this moment. I don’t even know what’s going to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this story will have 2 chapters left, maybe an epilogue. I haven't decided yet. What do you think about Louis wanting Harry to jump with him? Is that the ultimate testimony of insanity or is that someone too in love to let go?


	23. #23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning. This is the decision to jump or not to jump.

What a sinister disease - depression. It’s taken the best parts of Louis from me and replaced him with a fraction of his former self. I am in love with him, but is it really nostalgia? How can I love someone that is in this hollow place? I know the answer, and it’s bittersweet. I still can see him, you know. It's the way he giggles at me, gets jealous over me, the way he holds me.  
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear for the love of my life. There is a eerie sense of calm on Louis’ face. He does not look afraid - he looks ready. He’s at peace with his choice. That’s the depression, you know. It seems to tell him how worthless he is. As the boat makes its way to the Eiffel Tower, he becomes more and more relaxed. I, on the other hand, am like a child in a dentist chair - anxious and fidgety. 

The Louis that is tucked under my arm is my favorite thing. He’s like a child on Christmas - excited and eager to take on the world. It doesn’t perplex me anymore. He is excited to take on the world….to be taken out of the world. 

“Wow! Look Harry!” Louis squeals as he holds my hand tightly, shaking me out of my thoughts.

“Amazing,” I coo, trying to hide my worry. “Let’s take a selfie before we get off the boat, yeah?”

“Of course!” Louis says grabbing my phone. “Say cheese.”

I try and produce a smile - but I know the picture is not going to reflect that. I’ve never been a good actor. He looks astounding, though. His pupils have yet to come back to their original size after our intimate session. I suppose he’s still aroused - the adrenaline of his planned act finally coming in his grasp. 

“We should send this photo to our families,” Louis examines. “That way, they’ll not have to ask what happened, right? They’ll know we were happy in Paris, in front of the Eiffel Tower. They won’t blame themselves. They’ll think of us as star crossed lovers.” 

“But we’re not star crossed lovers,” I respond confused. “We can be together., Lou.” 

“On the contrary, I’m afraid,” Louis sighs. “Because you’re an angel,” He kisses my cheeks. “You’ll go somewhere pretty.”

“Hey Lou, can we stop for a second?” I ask as I sit him down on a nearby bench. “You seem happy right now. Why are you still wanting us to jump?”

He’s leaning into me, putting his head on my shoulder. “Did you know there is 1710 steps in the Eiffel Tower? That’s 1710 reasons to give you kisses all the way up here.”

 

“Well that’s irrelevant,” I grab his chin. “I only need one reason to kiss you….because I love you, Louis. Give me a chance. I can love you through anything. I always have, haven’t I?” I graze my fingertips over his lips.

For the hundredth time on this trip, my world stops. Our hearts are beating in sync, I can feel it. His tongue is roaming around mine so gracefully. I feel like the butterfly tattoo on my stomach is going to fly away at any second, too tickled by the tiny butterflies underneath it. 

“One chance,” I breathe into his mouth.

Louis pulls away from the kiss, burying his face in my neck as he mumbles, “Do you remember when we were 17 and went to the lake for that party? We played those games, and everyone kept trying to get us to kiss all night.”

“Yeah, I do,” I thumb his cheek.

“Well, do you remember making out with me in your car?” He looks up. I shake my head no. “We never talked about it so I didn’t think so. I was thankful you didn’t remember, or pretended to not remember. You’ve never been one to hold your alcohol too well. I didn’t want to have to tell you how much I enjoyed it. I was afraid it would ruin our friendship.”

“And now you know, I was in love with you,” I smile as I kiss the top of his head. “We can spend our days being so lazy on the couch, your favorite past time.” 

Louis is staring blankly ahead. I have no idea what’s going in that chaotic, beautiful brain of his head. He looks contemplative, though. His pupils are coming back to their ordinary state, the astounding blue color shimmering off the Eiffel Tower lights. He probably doesn’t even know I love the way his eyelashes flutter in this moonlight. 

“Come on,” he pulls me up as we begin to maneuver our way through the Eiffel Tower.

Just as he pointed out, he kisses me on each stair. Tourist behind us are grunting and rolling their eyes, some saying ‘aww’. I can’t seem to stop myself, though. 1710 kisses with the man I love will still never be enough for me.

“I’m moody,” He growls. “Not a good housekeeper.”

“Tell me something I don’t know,” I laugh in between kisses.

“I can be a sloth, lay in bed for days - no shower, no food, no conversation.”

“I know,” I continue to reassure him.

“And I’m….”

“And you’re loud and sassy. You enjoy trying to sabotage my baked goods by trying to lick the bowl and contaminate the batter. You hate that your birthday is on Christmas Eve because you don’t like the attention it gives you. You try to push people away by acting completely sarcastic at times, but when you finally do, you come home to me and cry. You’re emotional and needy, though you’d never admit it. Your favorite color is….” 

“Okay, okay, I get it!” Louis giggles. “But why me?”

“Why not?” I push him against the iron structure. “I’ve tried to make the best life possible without you as a romantic interest but I can’t, Louis. It’s always you.”

He stops talking, kissing, holding my hand. We continue to walk up the stairs, a slight burning in my thighs emerging. I can tell he’s getting fatigued too, though he probably already was. Depression seems to make someone slowed down - even physically. It’s like it takes so much more effort to do things than it used to. That’s what I’ve observed from Louis, anyway. You’ll have to forgive me if I’m being completely crazy. 

The solitude of my own thoughts can be dark sometimes. I have years of memories with him, a timeline of when things went wrong. Was there something more I could’ve done? Was I blinded too much by my love for him? Should I have carried him into a counselor's office? Should I have went away to Culinary school and left him alone for those seasons? I tried to visit him, and have him stay over with me, but maybe he was lonely while I was gone. 

Maybe I should have take him to University with me. I tried, you know, but he couldn’t maintain socially or academically. Eventually, his funds were cut off and he had no choice but to move into his own apartment. I got one soon after - close to him and the bakery I inherited. It’s a simple equation to me - wherever he goes, I’ll follow. 

 

“Here we are,” He sighs as he and I align our bodies to look into the city of Paris. “I don’t want you to jump, Harry. You have so much going for you, and for me to ask you...is just me being selfish again. I want you to be happy.”

Our bodies are still aligned hip to hip, arm to arm as we take in the breathtaking city. The way the lights reflect off the river is truly a wonder of the world. 

I take his hand in mind, clutching his fingers so hard they may break. It would be poetic justice, really. They would be breaking like my heart is breaking. The idea that Louis is going to try and jump from this very spot has me almost not able to function. 

Earlier, I made a phone call to a crisis line here in Paris. They gave me amazing advice, but I didn’t follow any of it. They requested that I tell the boat captain to seize Louis and let the staff take him to Saint Anne, a psychiatry hospital. I declined. They suggested that I try and be there for him, and I have been. Lastly, they told me I was not in control of his decisions and needed to make myself okay. Well, they don’t know me very well, do they?

“I want you to know,” He turns his body toward me. “It’s never been about you. I meant what I said - my white, my everything.” 

As he wraps his arms around my neck, I can feel tears hitting the nape of my neck. “And I love you,” He hum into it. He’s slowly backing us up, his grip loosening.

I can no longer breathe. All I can do is try to embrace him tighter, but he’s pushing, resisting. For a second, he’s holding on tight too - clenching his fist, bunching up my shirt. I can almost hear him silently screaming, suffocating with each breath he takes as he’s plagued by this decision. I try and soothe him - try to take away the war inside his fragile state of mind.

“I love you so damn much!” He cries. 

My feet are planted firmly on the ground as I try and keep him from tottering over the edge, but we are so close, our weight is shifting. He’s trying to wiggle out of my grasp, but I can feel him holding on still, too. 

 

“I’m falling for your eyes, but they don’t know me yet,” I serenade in. “I’m in love now.” 

“Hazzy,” He calls me for the first time in awhile. 

The way he’s looking at me is a contradiction. It’s like he’s going between a fire that has been drenched in water, fight its last embers. Then, it’s almost as if the blue has speckles of sunlight, trying to burst through a clouded sky. I want nothing more than to save him, hold him in my arms, and never let go. The fire, though, keeps me from reaching him. He’s crawled inside a cave where there is nothing but apathy and numbness to eat. Sometimes, he lets me visit and provide him with comfort. I want to give him the best of me, but he doesn’t know how to receive. He’s in my arms, but he might as well be on Zayn’s plane - far, far away from me.  
Our lips clash together. I want to close my eyes, get drunk off the thin, velvety lips but I’m afraid. I am peering into his closed eyelids, watching the tears stream down his face still. His tongue is wet and willing, utterly phrases that only I can hear, not the tourist around us. His hair smells like me in some ways. A tingle in my spine is emerging, but so is a lump in my throat.

He’s letting go of my shirt, and I am holding him tighter. 

“You do love me enough to kiss me as I fall,” He stands stunned. 

Before I can react, my body is snapped out its trance. I can hear those around me speaking in all kinds of language. 

“Ne saute pas!”  
“¡Por favor no saltes!”  
“Hoppa inte!”  
“Не прыгай!”  
“Don’t jump!” 

The world rushes by hazy, and I know there’s going to be pain. Time is moving fast, but, slow in some ways, we are suspended. I am still holding onto Louis, our eyes meeting with a twinkle.  
My body contorts into a way it shouldn’t upon impact. I feel jangled as I intertwine my body into his, almost the way we do in the sanctuary of our late night intimate sessions. Without even looking, I know there will be crimson liquid seeping out of my skin. I try and lay perfectly still, but I find it hard to breathe. I want to delay having to look at the damage I’ve endured. I blindly fish around for Louis’ hand.  
Wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter + a epilogue. Thanks for staying with me through this crazy story. I've appreciate all the support and feedback. <3 
> 
> In this economy, how can one not be a Larrie?


	24. #24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beyond sorry that this took so long to post! I hope you enjoy it! <3

We've stopped falling, landing softly on unfamiliar ground, our bodies swinging in midair. My eyes are shut tight, unable to open in fear of what I'll see. My arms are wrapped around Louis', keeping him snug in my chest. He hasn't spoken a word, but his breathing is labored. I can feel his heart beating against mine:

Tears stream down my face like water spilling from a dam. The muscles of my lips are quivering. Static is ringing in my ears, a sound that is overpowering the constant screaming of the tourist. My head feels like it's swimming - endless thoughts rushing through my brainwaves.

I tighten my grip on Louis, crying into his chest. Right now, I feel as if I am floating in the ocean and Louis is my anchor, keeping me grounded and safe. A pair of tears raced down my cheeks, both crashing in the creavis of my lips.

"We're alive," I sob heavier into Louis.

I feel his hands exploring the curves of my back, caressing me gently. I bury my nose deep into his shoulder, trying to muffle my sobs, but I can't. In fact, it has the exact opposite effect on me as I can smell his tobacco and vanilla scent invading my senses.

"Shh," he chokes out. He brings one arm up into my tangled mess of curls, massaging my scalp with his fingertips.

Sky blue eyes open for the first time, peering into mine - desperate, pleading, and somber all the same. Desolate tears begin to fall down his face, crashing into mine with a heavy impact. I can faintly still hear the tourist begging us to get off the safety net, but we are both intermeshed in our own little world. Red-rimmed eyes are staring back at me, now, but they're still the most beautiful person in all of Paris.

"Will you...wait..." Louis dry heaves, almost incapable of finishing his sentence. "Wait for me?" He brings the pad of his thumb up to my lips and parts them gently. "I need help, but I think that means I need to go away for awhile."

I furrow my brows in a state of confusion. My hair is plastered to my face, my eyes feel heavy like they've been replaced with weights. My heart is continue to race against his, both beating to the same rhythm. "Go where?"

"Not sure," He mutters, his breathing beginning to slow down. "I want to be happy....but I still feel so depressed...I want...."

It's my turn to shush him. "I understand," I nod.

Before we can continue our moment, there is nothing but white around us. White lights from a helicopter hovering over us. White coats trying to carry us down the Eiffel Tower. White ambulances taking us away. White pills being shoved down my throat. White lighting in the back of my eyes as I drift asleep.

I didn't wake up until the next morning. Imagine trying to explain to the doctor that I didn't want to die, and I was just clinging to Louis' shirt. I only had to spend two days in the hospital, and that was thanks to a broken wrist because I landed funny on impact. My body contorted in ways it shouldn't have, but I wanted to keep Louis safe - fighting against all instincts, gravity itself.

"Harry!" My mother scolded me as she came to pick me up. "What were you thinking?"

"I'm sorry," I blush, trying to hide my face. "I didn't want to die, Mom. You have to believe me. I was trying to save Louis."

"As you've always done," she says as she looks at the ground. "You love him."

"I do," I try and conceal my smile, but like sunlight peeking through the window, it made its way through anyway.

"Johanna is coming to pick him up tomorrow. He has to agree to a long term treatment or she's going to go to court and have him admitted. Do you understand that, Harry? You're going to have to continue to live your life without him for awhile," Mom takes my hand in hers.

"Geez Mom. You act like I am not capable of functioning without him," I chuckle. "Have you forgotten I have my business? My own apartment? "

She shifts in her seat. "I know, sweetheart. You also have a broken wrist because you jumped from the Eiffel Tower."

Touche, I think.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Are you crying again?" Alyssa teases. She's rubbing her belly again for the hundredth time today. "It always makes the baby move around. Feel."

I stretch out my wrist, trying to get some of the stiffness to subside. "I feel it!" I exclaim. "Hey baby. It's your Uncle Harry! I I think you're going to love this Bakery!" I tap on her belly as she giggles.

"You're such a sap," she pushes me. I try and conceal the tears trying to fall from the corner of my eyes, but I can't. "It's almost time for Louis to call, isn't it?"

"5:00 p.m. on the dot," I chirp.

"When is he coming back?" She ask as she turns on the mixer. "I love making Canele! I am glad you took that culinary arts class while you were there."

"Me too," I smile at her. "We need to stock our cookie..." Before I can finish my sentence, my phone buzzes. I skip around in place, watching as Alyssa giggles at us. "Hello?"

"Hey!" Louis exclaims. "How's my Hazzy?"

"That's Uncle Hazzy to you," I wink at Alyssa. "Well, in a few months anyway. How are you?"

"I'm...okay," Louis sighs. "I really miss you."

"I miss you so much," I sigh as I excuse myself to the back of the bakery. "Can I still come see you this weekend?"

Louis hesitates. I can hear heavy breathing coming from the receiver, followed by sniffles. "I'm sorry, Hazzy.....I had a relapse....this morning...."

I begin to pull on the ends of one of my ringlets. "Lou...."

"I know, I'm sorry. I was just overwhelmed...had another night terror, and when I woke up, I just decided I need to self-harm....and now they're saying I lost my privilege to have visitors this week," His voice breaks.

"Don't cry," I beg. "It's going to be okay, yeah? You are strong. You can do this!"

"I love you," He sobs.

"Love you so much," I reassure him. "You're going to be okay."

I can hear him sighing, a staff member telling him he has a minute left. He answers meekly, but quickly turns his attention back to me. "I'm sorry. I do feel a little better though. Dr. Horan says I can start Partial Inpatient soon."

"I'm proud of you," I hum.

"My time is up, but I'll call you tomorrow. I love you."

"Love you too."

In all honesty, that's a snapshot how the following weeks were carried out. I tried to focus on my bakery, but more often than not, I'd find myself daydreaming about Louis. What most didn't know was that even in my dreams, I was having trouble turning my brain off. I kept having this recurring dream that Louis and I jumped off the Eiffel Tower, and just before we hit the bottom, I wake up.

Maybe I should call Dr. Horan too.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Today, I will be picking Louis up from Dr. Horan's clinic. He finally completed his program. Just like the beginning of this story, I am uncertain what the future holds.

"Good morning, Mr. Styles," Nurse Blanch greets me. "

"Morning," I wave as I take a seat and flip through the outdated magazines again.

I glance up at the clock. It's only 10:00 a.m. I can drop Louis off at his apartment have just enough time to finish my catering job so I can pay Liam back. I've been saving any extra money I can to pay him back.

Trying to look interested in the tabloids, Nurse Blanch finally buzzed me back. Louis was just as he always had been: beautifully broken. His feet were curled into the tiny chair, and he had his hoodie string pulled tight so his face isn't showing.

"Good evening, Harry. How are ya?" Dr. Horan ask pointing at the empty chair beside Louis.

"Good," I chirp. "Yourself?"

Dr. Horan rubbed his hands together. "About to go to Ireland to see my family. I need a vacation," He chuckled. "I'm going to be discharging Louis today, but I think a weekly follow up for a while is necessary."

I poke Louis lightly as his feet fall out of the chair, startling him awake. "Harry!" He exclaims.

"Hey," I squeeze his hand.

Dr. Horan motions Nurse Collins to come in and she instructs Louis to follow her to sign papers. A somber look grows across Dr. Horan's face. "When you go home, you cannot be so codependent."

'What?" I asked dumbfounded.

"Codependent. You both need to seperate yourself from your relationship. You are not responsible for his actions, happiness, or anything else. Do you understand that?" He ask putting his thumbs together.

I nod, shrugging. "I love him."

"Most people wouldn't jump from the Eiffel Tower just because the person they love ask them to..." He trails off, waiting on my reply.

I shrug again. "Most people don't have what we do."

Dr. Horan sighs deep in his throat. He looks at me square in the eye. "Well, then, my advice to you is stay home for awhile, Harry."

"Stay home? With all due respect, Doctor Horan, I don't see...."

"You need to take care of yourself. Don't worry so much about Louis. He has a plan for his future, and trust me, it involves you," Doctor Horan patted me on the back and walked back to his quarters.

I walked out of the hospital and climbed into my truck. Louis was already buckled in and nodding off, a sight I've seen so many times before. The ink pen was still between his fingers. Nurse Collins gave me the final form to sign saying I was responsible for him hereon after and bided me ado.

I patted Louis gently on his thigh. He opened one of his eyes, disoriented. He placed his hand on top of mine and fell back to sleep. I wiggled my hand away, though I wish I didn't have to, but I must drive.

Doctor Horan's advice clouded my mind as I made my way to Louis' flat. Unconventional, he says. More like malpractice....though, I would call Paris a success. Maybe this doctor isn't so crazy after all.

"Lou, you're home," I say shaking him lightly. He blinks a couple times as I help him out of the truck. I use my spare key to open the door and guide him to his bedroom. I assist him in untying his shoes and removing his itchy clothing, laying him down, and pulling up the covers.

"I'm going to go back to the bakery. Call if you need anything," I say laying his phone down beside of him.

"Harry, wait!" Louis grabs my hand. "I missed you."

"I missed you," I stroke his cheek.

"Harry?" Louis calls out. "Can you get me another blanket?"

"Of course, Lou," I run to his linen closet, retrieving a plush blanket. "Cozy. See you tomorrow."

"Harry?" He asked again. Immediately, I stop walking and turn my body to him. "Where are you going?" He pouts.

My heart sinks in my chest. This beautiful creature is worried about me. "I have to cater this event at City Hall, but I'll be back as soon as I'm done, okay?"I sit down on the bed for a second, admiring Louis. "So glad you're home."

Suddenly, a large smile appears on his lips. "I want to help!" He throws all the blankets off himself. Lord, help me to tame my hormones right now. "I can help you cook!"

I chuckle at the thought. "My boyfriend who can hardly whisk wants to help me cook an entire 4-course meal for the most important Politicians of Cheshire?"

Blushing, Louis nods. "Yes! I want to help, Hazzy. Please," He pouts. "I can help you and Alyssa."

"How about...." I think for a second. "How about you sit on the counter and look pretty and keep me company?"

"I'd love that!" Louis exclaims excited, running to his closet and putting on black skinny jeans and a maroon v-neck tee. He tiptoed to reach his accessories, his French Beret completing his outfit. "Ready!"

I smirk at him. "You sure are. Come on, we gotta go to the bakery!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I somehow managed to complete the catering menu despite Louis' best efforts to distract me. Alyssa kept rolling her eyes at him, but warmed up when he tried to feed the baby through her stomach. I think she fell in love with Louis that moment, too, and even let him be an honorary Uncle.

"You're so loved," Louis blurts out on the way to his apartment. "The whole city council couldn't help but smile and blush at you."

"They were looking at my lovely boyfriend," I wink at him. "Is that weird to you...being my boyfriend? We haven't really talked about it since coming back from Paris...."

He's scooting next to me, putting his head on the side of my arm. "I...sometimes, I think about us jumping from the tower...and how you didn't really jump...and how I could've killed us both. I regret that day a lot, Harry. Everything just felt so hopeless, you know? No matter what I did, I felt empty inside...and I still do sometimes...but I'm learning to deal with that better now. I guess I'm trying to say I am sorry."

"It's not your fault at all," I shift my eyes down to his slumped demeanor. "At all." I park my truck in front of his apartment complex. "Don't feel guilty, okay?" I kiss the tips of his fingers, watching how he shivers at my touch.

"Um....would you like to come inside?" He scratches the back of his neck.

"Because...you know....um..." Before I can reply, our lips are attached together and Louis is jumping onto me. I catch him effortlessly, adjusting his thighs and letting us ankles lock before making our way up his stairwell.

Somehow, he inserts the key in the lock before I can put him down. I detach my mouth from his, moving down to suck on the sweet spot above his collarbone as he digs his heels into my back.

"Been craving this," He claws at my shoulder blades.

With no time to go to the bedroom, I gently place him down on the couch. My hands begin to migrate down to his skinny jeans, beginning my work of undressing him. "Me too," I mutter as he begins to tug at my clothes.

"I think about our last time...on the cruise, a lot...." Louis begins to bite the inside of his cheek. "When you kissed my...scars."

I can't help but glance down at the Louis' leg, a tanned canvas painted with hues of pink, white, and crimson. I run my finger over a new one. He looks down at me with shameful eyes.

"I'm...still working on that part," He blushes, his face turning toward the wall.

"I still want to kiss them every chance I get," I say as I lay a kiss beside the new, angry cut. "What happened?"

"....Felt guilty, like always. When you were driving the truck, I saw you winch at your wrist. It's my fault you broke it...." Louis sits up, taking my wrist in his hand. "I'm sorry."

I position myself in front of him, continuing to plant kisses on his thigh as he hold my wrist. I feel a tear splash on the top of my head as my lips crash with the new cut. "Don't feel guilty, okay? I missed you!" I sit up, tugging at his shirt. "And I want to show you just how much."

"But....you coulda died,,.,Harry...I'm sorry!" Louis curls himself into a ball. "I'm sorry."

"WE coulda died, but we didn't, yeah? We've been given this second chance at life, at love. I just want to spend my days enjoying you....all of you...." I push him into the couch.

Our lips clatter together - our tongues pirouetting in a secret ensemble. My hands find shirt again, throwing it on the ground, free to roam over the curves of his torso.

"Come on," I whisper as I pull him to his bedroom, grabbing my phone out of my jeans.

Louis ardently begins to attach his teeth to my neck, sucking on a spot just below my jawline. Goosebumps form on my skin, every fiber of my being responding with adoration and electric shock that only he can produce. His hands make their way to my hair as he grabs a fistful of hair, moving my head to the side to have better access to his spot.

"MMM," I whine.

As he continues to make my body jolt with pleasure with just his mouth, I open my music app to allow music to fill the air. Settle down with me, cover me up, cuddle me in.

Instantaneously, he stops to look up at me. He smiles before kissing my dimples. "Our song."

"Our song," I agree as I kiss his new cut again. "And this feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now."

"I'm still depressed, you know," Louis plays with my hair.

"I know..." I continue to kiss him.

"And most days, I still feel a bit hopeless...." He continues, his hands roaming all over my spine.

"Louis," I settle myself between his thighs. "During those days that you can't get out of bed because you're too tired to even think, I'll get your extra fluffy blanket and lay beside of you and sing you this song all day long, well, except when I have to work...because I have to take care of me a little too," I place my hand on his cheek, wiping his tears away. "I love you, all of you, even the parts you consider broken."

"Love you too," Louis smiles at me, taking my hand in his. "I've really missed you, Hazzy."

With one swift motion, I begin to kiss him again, letting my hands explore every piece of skin on his delicate body.

"Can I maybe....." Louis swallows shyly. "I'd like to maybe....make love to you..."

I put his hand in mind, kissing every knuckle on his right hand. "Our first time since Paris," I think out loud.

With his ocean blue eyes, he gazes at me for a second before standing up and rushing to his bathroom. I wait on the bed, looking around his room, realizing it's exactly how we left it when I had to pack it for him. A feel of serendipity comes over me. Louis and I would always find our way to this moment, making love in his apartment, my apartment, anywhere - because love always finds a way.

Timidly approaching me, he hands over the bottle of lubricant. "It's okay Louis," I smile at him as I begin opening the bottle and pouring some onto his fingers.

"Anxious," He looks down at his feet. "Want you to feel good."

"Oh, I will! You have me in a sweaty mess in anticipation already," I promise as I lay down on my back.

"I just feel unsure sometimes. It's hard to comprehend why you love me so much," He confesses as he crawls on top of me, sitting himself on top of my groin. "But I know you deserve to feel good."

"You make me feel good, always," I reassure again as he attaches our lips together for a moment before sliding down my thighs, positing himself in front of me.

"Is this okay?" He checks as I nod, biting my lip as I feel him circle around my tight ring of muscles that is seizing around him.

"More than okay," I whimper as I grip the bed sheets. "Always good." I bark out.

What Louis doesn't know is that while he away seeking treatment, I swore off all offers of intimacy, including my old friend that I never unpacked out of the suitcase. Well, having a broken wrist didn't help much - but it was much more than that. It wasn't in the mood - I missed him, I wanted him. I craved him. In some ways, I lost my own sanity (and it wasn't because he was away.) Paris was...a lot, and it took a while to feel normal again.

Two fingers inside me now, slowly stretching me open. I hold his arm with my hand, trying to touch him anywhere I can reach. "Yes," I moan as the third and final digit slides into me. Louis is being gentle with me, and it's only turning me on more, wanting to throw him against the wall and make love to him instead. It's funny how opposites attract. I need this sometimes too though...take things slow and feel every second of our skin melting together, Sometimes, I get too caught up in chasing my high that I forget the emotional process.

Louis often does the reverse - getting too caught up in the feelings that he forgets there is a pleasurable payoff to happen. I plan on spending the rest of our lives brushing those teardrops away. I consider them water in a time of a major drought - providing me nourishment, reassurance, and love.

"Yeah?" He looks up at me, kissing the tip of my shaft. I sink my teeth deep into my lip, bracing myself for the burning goodness I'm about to feel as he pushes into me. He's bending his body forward, his hands tucked behind my head as he pushes his body into mine. 

 

"Yes!" I echo, a withering sigh in the tone of my voice.

He rolls his hips into me, internal friction exploring the crevices inside of my muscles, my nerves, my body. White invades my senses, as it often does around him. I want to speak, touch him, let my hands roam over his delicate skin, but I'm too paralyzed, overwhelmed by the indulgent nirvana.

With each thrust, I squeak out in ecstasy. Louis' sighing too, his head resting on my shoulder as he begins to slow down his speed. Droplets fall on my neck.

"I love you," I whisper in his ear. His head turns toward my voice, his lips finding their way to mine.

His body become docile in my arms as I roll us over, me gaining control of the movements. I stretch my torso out, sitting on top of his length. He's looking up at me, cheeks moist and red, but his eyes are smiling. Like I said, this is my forever.

My hips gyrate in a circular motion as I move in a midtemp rhythm. His shaft drags along my velvety walls, a sudden jolt of electricity piercing through my fibers. His tip is hitting the soft, walnut sized pleasure point that I've been chasing, and I can't help but begin to bounce vertically, my hips rolling into the thrust.

"Louis," I moan. "Yes!" I buck my hips on his groin. "Love this. Feel so good."

"Hazzy," He cries out, his eyes shut tight as he fishes around for my hands in the darkness. I help him out by lacing our fingers together, clutching on them tight. "I love this too."

"Yeah?" I sigh. My thigh muscles ache, but it feels too good to stop. The knot in the pit in my stomach is about to snap anyway, no way in hell can it get any tighter.

"The best feeling," He mumbles. His eyes are still shut tight, tears still staining his cheek, beauty still radiating off him.

My entire body is about to explode, I'm sure of it. There's ringing in my ears, my heart is racing, and the pulsing coming from Louis' member is sending me into overdrive. I am a slave to him, forever in his debt for giving me purpose.

Exhaustion rushes over me as I collide our chest together, too tired to finish. Louis reaches for my shaft, pumping up and down as he takes control and propels himself into me, over and over. I attach our lips, our tongues gaining the same speed as our thrust.

"Gonna come," I mutter into his mouth as his movements become more purposeful. He's jutting into me hard, fast, and hitting the spot I need him to. "Oh fuck," I let that slip as my come spills all over Louis' hand. He continues his rhythm, gaining speed as I lick into his ear, his neck, his jawline, sucking on a piece of flesh above his collarbone.

"You need to get off," He says trying to push me away. "Gonna come."

"Want you inside me," I promise as I continue to nibble on my skin.

"Fuck, Harry!" He cries out as he sputters his white ribbons of DNA all into my insides. With tears staining his cheeks, I kiss each one before collapsing again.

"I love first times," I breathe heavily. "We still have one left...."

"What's that?" He ask, his eyes closed, still underneath me. One arm is around the dip of my back while the other is counting my spinal bones, small chill bumps forming.

"My place," I smirk at him. "We need to have a sleepover at my place, get my sheets all messy," I run my fingers through his hair.

Louis nods, a small yawn coming out of his mouth. "We do, huh?"

"Uh huh," I kiss the tips of his fingers. "But first, sleepover at your place."

Laying here, watching Louis trying to fight his sleep, I feel calm, not anxious like I used to. Depression used to be my enemy - maybe even a competitor trying to take the love of my life away from me. No matter how hard I fought to keep him happy, depression always had a trick up its sleeve to keep Louis in darkness.

It wasn't until the jump from the Eiffel Tower that I realized something: depression is just one thing. It takes a lot of "one things" to get to a low point in your life. The important and healing factor is having someone in your circle of support to help maintain your oxygen. Maybe sometimes that's all you can do is stay alive, and hope for a better tomorrow.

I'm not saying I'm his saving grace. I just know that no matter what lies behind those eyes - whether it be a uncontrollably emptiness or that bubbly sassiness that I live for, I am suited up with my armor and ready to tackle whatever storm rolls in with him. I'll be there to hold is Umbrella in the rain, and being his parasoul in the sunlight.

"Hazzy," Louis whispers, rolling over on his side.

"Yeah?" I reply, twirling with strands of his hair.

"Love you so much," He scoots closer to me. "You're my everything."

Some people say we are codependent because I act like 'I need him' or I 'take care' of him too much. Some don't understand the definition of love, at least in my opinion. Love is supposed to be unconditional. Just because someone needs you in unconventional ways doesn't make it wrong or irrational, doesn't make me crazy, Louis insane, or our own a product of maladaptive behavior.

Truth is, in fact, I do need him, and he says he needs me too. Isn't that the difference in friendship and love, anyway? It's different, you know. Self-harm and suicide attempts cannot comfort him the way I can, and I think he's learning that. Only one cut in several weeks is a new record. He's doing so well. I'm glad he doesn't feel the need to hide things from me. I'll take that as a small win.

"I love you," I pull him into my chest. "MY everything." I watch as Louis smiles, eyes still closed, tears still dripping down his cheeks. Fatigue is setting in for the both of us as our breath is becoming in sync, quiet.

"I think I'm going to stay home tomorrow," I think back to Dr. Horan's advice. "We should spend the day at my place, huh?"

"Or I can help you at the bakery and we can spend the night at your place," Louis suggest, yawning. "Gotta take care of yourself too, right?"

"Yeah, but I can spare a day. Missed you. Love you," I weakly throw my arm over him, lifting myself up to kiss him deeply.

In his suicide letter, he referred to me as an emerald prism who is a crown jewel in a world full of rhinestones. He called me white, and maybe I am. Maybe I was meant to be in his life to taint the black, make his world a little less heavy, a little more grey. I intend to show him that in my world, he is a aquamarine stone that will never lose its luster. He's my yellow sunflower that needs loves of nurturing, and he said it himself, I'm an emerald, and therefore, have a green thumb.

I fell in love with Louis Tomlinson much like I fell from the Eiffel Tower: sudden, scattered, and sacrificial.

Louis Tomlinson fell in love with me, at least I think, like he jumped from the Eiffel Tower: bashful, bewildered, and backward.

Together, we fell in love in a manner that people spend their entire lives chasing: unweathered, unconventional, and unconditional.

I think that's beautiful, don't you? The art to be loved, and be in love. In these arms, I have my forever - and my forever may not be filled with sunshine always, but it'll always be worth it. I know it will be - because, well, together, we made it this far.

Surely, we can go a little bit more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow. What a ride! I appreciate each and everyone of you who read my story! I am so glad to have readers who enjoy my writing. I, myself, have major depressive disorder and was anxious to post this in fear of people thinking it would be "too dramatic" or "unrealistic" but then I reasoned with myself. It is FICTION so it doesn't have to be realistic, and it's okay to have a mental illness. 
> 
>  
> 
> I guess my final questions are: 
> 
> 1.) Is Harry a reliable narrator? (Did you find any discrepancies in his perspective)
> 
> 2.) Why do you think Louis always cries during sex?
> 
> 3.) What will forever look like for them?
> 
> 4.) Did you agree with the codependency diagnosis? 
> 
> Also: there will be an epilogue posted. I'm not sure when as I am very busy, but I promise there will be one. 
> 
> Again: thanks so much! *Hugs*


	25. Epilogue

“Louis?” I ask as I feel a cold chill rustle in the room. 

I open my eyes as I feel sudden panic wash over me. “Louis!” I call out into the stillness. 

Jumping out of bed, I gulp as I swing the bathroom door open only to find it empty. I switch on the bedroom light, my eyes flickering around the room, but Louis is nowhere to be found. 

“Baby!” I cry out, but nobody answers my pleas. “Oh no! No!” I screech.

My legs run down the stairs as fast as they can - anxiety stuck in my throat. Just as I grab my phone to call doctor Horan, I see Louis asleep in the kitchen floor.

“Baby,” I coo. “You had me so worried. How’d you end up down here?” I put my hands on my hips grumpily, but Louis doesn’t flinch. His lips are slightly parted open and his eyes look like they’re moving rapidly behind his lids. “Let’s get you back to bed.” 

I bend down and scoop him up in my arms, throwing him over my shoulder. He doesn’t even flinch until I try to put him back in the bed, undisturbed. 

“Hazzy?” He mumbles. 

“Hey,” I say softly. “You take your antidepressant tonight?”

“Mmmhmm,” He promises. 

I pull him closer to me, running my fingers through his hair. “Had another night terror.”

“I’m sorry,” He whispers. 

“Shh, don’t be sorry baby,” I put my finger over his lips. 

It’s been two years since we went on vacation to Paris; two years since we almost lost our lives to a suicide I didn’t want. With consistent treatment, Louis has more good days than bad. Sometimes, I’ll come home from the bakery and find him weeping on the couch, no reason to produce. Most of the time, though, he’s cheerful, sarcastic, and my sassy ball of fluff. In fact, he’s even taking classes at a university online - clinical psychology. 

“You’re so pretty under the light of the moon,” I observe as I see a pink coat his perfect jaws. I inch closer to him, unable to contain myself as I plant kisses all over his pretty cheeks. 

Giggling, Louis sits up, his knees burrowing into the mattress as he wraps his arms around my neck. “Hazzy,” he sighs as he kisses me feverishly, our tongues dancing in the pale moonlight. 

I rub my hand down each one of his spinal plates, caressing each part of his exposed flesh. His back arched in pleasure, turning his head to the side as I begin to suck on the sweet spot under his jawline. 

“Love when you carry me upstairs,” Louis whines. “Love when you kiss my neck.” 

“Baby,” I say breathlessly as I tug at his boxers.

“Love that you buy us a house and make your bakery downstairs so I can pretend to be asleep in the floor,” He holds back a giggle.

I look at him confused as he reaches into his boxers and pulls out a piping bag full of frosting. “Want you to use this on me.”

“Are you admitting to scheming, Louis Tomlinson?” I turn on the bedside lamp and smirk at him. 

“All in the name of love and pleasure!” He defended himself. “I was so thirsty so I went downstairs to get something to drink, but when I opened the refrigerator, I saw the prettiest pink frosting just sitting in your decorating bag unused and I thought...you could use it on me,” He blushes. “I can’t help it, Haz. Watch you bake turns me on so much!”

I take the piping bag from his possession and begin to knead it with my hands. I bite my bottom lip as I look at Louis, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “And I knew you’d come looking for me so I pretended to be asleep because I like when you carry me.”

I fondly roll my eyes at him as I put my hands on either side of his waist, gently guiding his back in a lying position. “I like the way you think,” I praise. “You went through so much trouble.” I take the piping bag and make a quick rose on his belly button before writing ‘mine’ on his groin in pretty cursive letters. 

“But the best way to decorate a cake, baby,” I raise my eyebrows. “Is to make sure it’s secure.” 

“Oh, fuck,” He groans as he watches me go over to my closet and retrieve my cashmere headscarf. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see him crossing his arms and legs, anticipating on what I’m about to do to him. “I love this.” 

“Me too,” I groan greedily as I hover over him, tying his wrist together. 

Even on his worse days, I think the universe revolves around him. He makes me feel like I am lost inside our own galaxy, floating aimlessly in the universe. His eyes shine like nebulas that revolve around the moon. His voice is a beautiful symphony that guides me home. His body makes me reach nirvana in ways I never could. 

I take the piping bag and smear some frosting on his lips. He uses his mouth to catch my finger between his teeth, lapping my fingers greedily with his tongue. He’s peering at me seductively, sending electricity straight through my body.

“Eager,” I tease as he continues to lick my fingers. 

I kiss his jawline before slowly sending a trail of licks down his chest, removing the frosting off of his bellybutton. His body arches off of the bed, trying to meet my laps, groaning in pleasure that makes me mock his sounds. 

“Beautiful,” I say as I run my hands up his tan thighs. “Always so beautiful.” I feel the rough skin from his self harm scars under my fingertips. I caress them for a few minutes, watching as Louis’ eyes roll in the back of his head. Maybe it feels good. 

“I want to taste you,” He mutters incoherently. 

“You sure?” I ask as I ready myself by removing my boxers. I know he’s going to say yes with a nod, but I like to ask anyway. 

“Mmmhmm,” He opens his mouth slightly as I position myself on either side of him, the headboard keeping me balanced as I push into him. 

His wrist are pulling on the restraints. 

“Love that little mischievous tongue,” I purr as I try and keep myself upright. 

“Good for you?” He mutters as the vibrations from his voice send shooting pleasure down my legs. 

“So good!” I sigh as I retreat. He whines but I quickly muffle that by replacing my shaft with my lips, our bodies kissing intensely.

“Hazzy,” He says, his eyes still closed. “Need you to touch me.”

‘Here?” I tease as I run my hands over his bony hips. He sinks his teeth deep into his bottom lip, shaking his head no. “Here?” I rub my fingers over his groin, the ‘mine’ smearing all over as he looks at me, pleading. “Oh, you mean here,” I say as I take his length deep into my throat.

Louis bucks his hips forward as I press his hips down with my sticky hands, listening as he softly whines. I place one of my fingers in his mouth again, letting him lick the frosting off before I circle his entrance, teasing ever so slowly. 

“You’re so pretty with your lips wrapped around me, Hazzy,” He breathes out as I push in, keeping my finger there and not moving as I bob my head up and down on his length, nibbling softly at the tip. 

His feet are trying to plant firmly on the mattress, trying to thrust himself on my finger. “Be a good boy,” I warn as I let go of his shaft. “Good things come to those who wait.”

“Don’t wanna!” He complains as he grabs ahold of the restraints tight for leverage, bouncing on my finger as I insert another, just to watch him intensify his movements. 

These are the moments I live for - watching Louis show me mutual love, showing me how his body craves my touch; just as bad as I want his. He’s always been there for me, as a friend, and now as my fiance. He’s the best damn thing that’s ever happened to me, and he’s the only person I want for the rest of our lives.

“Yes!” He moans as I insert a third finger, feeling resistance from his muscles. “Hazzy, don’t stop!” He begs as I scissor him open. “Feels good, feels so good!” 

“You’re so breathtaking,” I sigh as I feel his body loosen on my fingers, quickly pulling and giving his hole a quick kiss. “So, so stunning, love.”

“I wanna touch you,” He begs as he pulls on his restraints.

Smiling, I grant him his request as I untie him. He instantly allows his hands to roam over my chest, my sides, my butterfly and laurel tattoos. “You’re gorgeous, too,” he says seriously. “Don’t know how this depressed fuck up ended up with someone so perfect.”

“Don’t say those things about yourself, Louis,” I warn as I reach over to the bedside, fishing around for a bottle of lube. “What are you feeling tonight? The tingly kind or the warming kind?’ I ask as I hold both of them up. He shrugs, wanting me to pick.”Tingly it is.” 

I use my knees to push his thighs apart, admiring the way he’s clutching onto my sides. I pour the lubricant into my palm as I stroke my length seductively, watching Louis’ pupils blow. He’s licking his lips, laying perfectly still. “I’ve never thought of you as a depressed fuck up,” I say as I push in a little more. “You’ve always been my angel.”

I push my tip inside of him, the sudden invasion causing him to lift up off the mattress and wrap his arms around my back, pulling me closer to him. I still my hips, though my body is urging me to push forward. 

“Good?” I check.

“Very,” He sighs as I push in a little farther, stopping as I feel him stretch a little more around me.  
My thrust make a rhythmic motion, my member driving into him. When I feel myself bottom out, I cradle his head under my arm, staring deeply into the bluest of oceans. 

Louis immediately goes pliant, tears prickling out of his eyes. Although it’s been two years since we first made love, this is always an reaction I can expect. “I love you so much,” he sniffles.

I continue to glide into him, in and out, in and out, slowly, sensually, purposely. The heat radiating off my walls are sending me into another dimension, my body feeling every ounce of electricity shooting through my body. My toes curl and sweat forms on my forehead, almost rendering me dizzy. 

“I love you so much, Louis.” I nuzzle his head into the crook of my neck as I continue my pace, humming the words to Kiss Me.

_And with this feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now_

“You’re enough, baby,” I promise as I drag my shaft along the walls he engulfs me with. His nails are sinking deep into my love handles, keeping me complacent in the same spot - maybe his way of signaling that he’s feeling immense pleasure at the moment.

“Mmm, Hazzy,” He whines. “Please, don’t stop.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” He digs his nails in deeper, my hips snapping forward. 

I kiss his forehead as I remove my arm, placing my palms on either side of his shoulders, quickening my pace as we both moan in the darkness, his body gliding over my part that’s the hardest. 

“Baby, I’m so close,” I whisper in his ear as I sign in ecstasy. 

My body speeds up, driving deep into Louis, my body wanting to explode - I see nothing but a galaxy of stars behind my eyes. 

“Me too,” He says as he lets go of my love hands, his hands gripping the headboard. “Feels amazing, Haz.”

“I love you,” I say as I watch the tears resurface in his eyes. I bend down and kiss each iris gently, a salty flavor that is contrasting with the frosting residue left in my mouth. 

“I love you,” He turns his face away, trying to conceal his tears. 

“Your eyes are so pretty glistening like this,” I complimented. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Louis eyes shut tight to only peer open, engulfing me in endless love as his body stutters, coating us both with his white orgasm. I sink my teeth into the crook of his neck as the sight causes me to release too, filling Louis up with milky come. 

I collapse on top of him, my breathing labored as sweat glistens on my body. I kiss his cheek, and roll off of him, deciding to cuddle into him. 

His eyes are closed, tears still on the corners as reaches for my hand, interlacing our fingers together. 

“I’m going to have to premake my piping bags more often,” I joke as I run my fingers down his spine. I see tiny goosebumps forming, but hear sniffles nonetheless. “What are you thinking about, baby?” I ask as I play with his engagement ring.

“I’m thinking….how lucky am I to have a best friend who would take me to Paris just to try and help me snap out of depression? Or a friend who shared his lunch with me at school when we were kids because always forgot mine? A lover who will stand with you and risk dying because you want to die….”

“Baby,” I try and shush him but he continues.

“I’ve put you through a lot of shit, and yet, you still ask me to marry you….why, Hazzy? I’m so selfish and don’t deserve it!” 

“You love me, don’t you?” I rhetorically ask as he nods, trying to cuddle me closer. “That’s all I could ever ask in this life. Besides, you’re doing so much better, baby. Alyssa even noticed - said Sophia has a glow around you. She wants to be our flower girl.”

“I’d love that,” He nods, smiling. “I love you.”

“And I love you,” I kiss the bridge of his nose.

“Hey, Hazzy?” 

“Yeah, love?”

“You saved my life.” 

I circle his ring around again, bringing it up to my lips to kiss. “You are my life.”

He smiled at me, then, looking perfectly at peace as his eyes flutter shut, his head becoming deadweight on my chest. It is in these moments that I don’t see any pain on Louis’ face that I know I’ll never regret my decision to go to Paris with him all those days ago. 

I met Louis Tomlinson when I was 6 years old and together, we’ve walked through every stage of life - even the darkest of times. Even when an X-acto knife was his best friend, even when I had to borrow money from Liam Payne-Malik (yes, they beat us to the altar) to grow my business; even before Sophia was born and was just a little bun in Alyssa’s oven. Even when a quack Doctor Horan told me to not be codependent, I stayed by Louis side - and he mine.

I will love him when our chemistry is suicidal or utopia. 

Because that’s what love is - unconditional. 

Our love is unbreakable, and of this I am sure: we are enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thanks so much for reading my story. I saw on twitter that a lot of people don't like first person POV so if you're reading this, I really appreciate you taking the chance! This epilogue was probably really terrible. I am going through depression myself, and had a hard time writing a happy ending to be honest. I hope you enjoyed it! <3 
> 
> P.S. HOW SOON IS SOON, LOUIS? hehe


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